HEART FELT

Like The...

2011-12-21T10:56:00.003+05:30

And.....i thought of you once again
You made me smile through all the pain
All those moments, the times we spent
How i loved them, how much they meant.

Like the wave from the ocean sweeping the shore
Hitting the rocks, making them sore
Memories of you keep rushing to my head
Can never forget them, even if i am dead.

Like the falling star to wish upon,
You were my luck, from dusk to dawn
In the tunnel of life, so dark and lonely,
You were my light, the one and only.

Like the shadow, which always stuck by the side
Your heart was the place where i wanted to reside.
In the game of life, you were my perfect move
For all happiness, you were the music to groove

Like the moon in the sky alone at night
You were the star which was never out of sight
You were the fire which kept me warm
You were the charm which kept me from harm

Like the sweet memories which can never be forgotten
Even if this life eventually becomes rotten
You were the beat which made my world dance
You were the eyes in which i wanted to glance

Like the pleasant wind which cooled me down
You were the smile on my face, I was the clown
You were the rose among all the flowers
In the summer heat, the first rain showers.

Like the soul made in heaven only for me
You were my life, you were everything to me
One thing is certain which i keep on repeating
You were the ONLY reason which kept my heart beating.

First Kiss...

2011-12-09T12:05:00.005+05:30

Memories of you, come knocking on my heart.
Take me all the way, where our love did start.
The moment i saw u, i knew fate had a plan
To see you each day, filled me with elan.

Slowly but surely, in love we would fall
The look in our eyes, usually said it all
Talking for hours, we were getting obsessed
We were meant to be together, even before we confessed.

Then came the moment, we both were waiting for
The dancing and the holding hands, and the singing before.
The smell of your hair, the fragrance of your skin.
The touch of your hand made it all begin.

As we moved our faces, closer together
We knew we were made for each other
That kiss on your forehead, followed by the cheek
Made my heart skip a beat and my knees go weak.

That first gentle touch of the lips felt like heaven
You kissed me back and made it even
World had stopped, the moment had frozen
It was only you... my heart had chosen.

That moment, will always be remembered.
Even if death comes, to have my life murdered.
That instant of time, I shall never forget
Same would apply to you, I sure can bet.

Our Life may go on, Our Life may bend,
My love for you can never ever end.
You will always be someone close to my soul
Someone to live with, someone to die for.

Happy Anniversary !!!

2011-11-29T13:35:00.010+05:30

Kris came home from work. Yet another hectic day at office was over. He threw his bag in the corner and just crashed on the bed. He looked at the digital clock hanging on the opposite wall. It displayed 9th Dec 2011 - 7pm. He closed his eyes.
"Its been an year", he thought as a drop of tear escaped through the corner of his eyes.

=======

"Hi Kris, Where have you reached?", an excited Jia asked holding her cellphone close to her ears. "Just 15min more. Will be home soon.", Kris replied.
"Ok baby. I am at grandma's place. Will also reach there in 15min. Come sooooooon. I will be waiting. Bye.", Jia said dropping the call.

It had been more than 3 years since Kris and Jia had been married. They had their intial couple fights, some out of jealousy, some out of thoughts-mismatches etc, but everytime they fought, one of them always made sure that the fight ended within a few hours. Relationships are like a rubberband. When its pulled from each end, its bound to break. One person always has to let go, loosen the hold for the rubberband to stay intact. And this is what Kris and Jia followed.

Kris reached home. Jia had not reached home yet. Today was something special. Today was there marriage anniversary. He carefully removed the box from his bag and placed it on top of the cupboard. The door bell rang. Kris opened the door and saw Jia enter closing the door behind her. Next moment, they were hugging each other tightly with Kris lifting Jia in the air.

"Happy Anniversary baby.", Jia said stealing a gentle peck on the lips.
"Happy Anniversary to you too.", Kris said hugging her even more tightly. After a nice long hug for a couple of minutes and changing into more comfortable clothes,

"Listen...I got to tell u something", Kris said sounding very serious.
"What happened baby? What is it?", Jia replied worried.
"Why dont you sit on the sofa?", Kris said putting his hand on her lowerback and gently moving her towards the sofa.
"Tell me baby, What happened?", Jia said getting even more worried now.
Kris made her comfortable on the sofa and sat on the ground near her legs.
"There is this woman....", he started slowly avoiding eye contact by putting his head down.
Jia's heart had started thumping faster and louder.
"Wat is it Kris? Tell me. You are scaring me now.", Jia said trying to get his attention.
"There is this woman I am falling in love with. She is so wonderful. She makes me feel so happy all the time. She makes me feel so alive. I just could not stop myself from falling for her. She is so charming. Her laughter makes me want to kiss her everytime.", Kris replied in one breath.

Jia was stunned at what she was hearing. It had been three years and not once had she even got a sniff of something about all this. How could her Kris do this to her? How could he cheat on her? Why? So many thoughts running through her head. Mixed emotions. Anger, Sadness, Her heart was shrinking with the pain, Tears were going to burst out anytime from her eyes. Today was their anniversary. Why did Kris had to choose this particular day to tell her? Her head was getting flooded with so many thoughts leaving her speechless. She just kept gazing as Kris spoke.

"Hold on a sec", Kris said walking towards the cupboard. He removed the box. Removed the content and handed it to her.
"Here. This is that woman.", Kris said looking at her.
Jia looked at what she was holding. It was a beautiful mirror held inside a wooden border with the names Kris and Jia carved on each side.
"Isnt she hot ?", Kris said winking. She heaved a sigh of relief, smiled and started hitting Kris who was on the floor laughing away. Jia sat on him as he lay on the ground and kissed him fiercly, then gently biting his lips.
"Aau..Ow..", Kris screamed gently.
"Hehe....I love you", Jia said looking in his eyes.
"I love you more", Kris replied hugging her as she slept on him.
"I got something else for you baby", Kris said breaking their five minutes of sleep.
"What is it? Dont you dare fool me again", Jia replied giving him a fake angry look.
"Haha...no..get off me, sit down and turn around.", Kris said.
He then removed a black satin cloth, and tied it around her eyes from behind.
"What are you doing", Jia replied excited. "SShhhhh.......Just be quiet",Kris whispered in her ears.
He then removed a small box from his pocket and removed a diamond necklace. He sat behind her, slowly moved her hair away to expose her bare neck, put the necklace around it and kissed her hair. He then quickly removed the satin cloth from her eyes. Jia was extremely happy. She took the newly gifted mirror and looked at the necklace.
"WOWWW", she said and turned back to hug Kris.
"I love you soooo much Kris", she said looking at him with extreme love in her eyes.
Kris smiled and said, "Promise me, you will never leave me".
"I am yours baby. Always yours.", Jia replied.

===========

Kris opened his eyes to hear the phone ring. He looked at the time. It was 9pm. He had dozed off for couple of hours.

"Hello", Kris said.
"Hey buddy, what ya doing?". It was Raj, his office colleague on the other line.
"To be honest....i was sleeping!", Kris replied.
"Oh.. Hey...I am throwing this party tonight. Want to join for a drink?", Raj said.
Kris thought for a moment and replied," Uhhh .. Not today Raj, not feeling too good".
"Oh ok...no probs buddy... catchya tomo at work.", said Raj cutting the call.

Kris sat there on the bed just staring at the empty space. He was feeling hungry but somehow had no mood to eat. He got up from his bed and went to wash his face. Drank a glass of water and then switched on the TV.

The TV series LOST was going on.
He heard the exchange of dialgoues.

"just because two people...love each other...dosent mean they are meant to be together."
"Why are you doing this?"
"If i never meet u.......then i will never have to loose u."

Kris changed the channel.
Some romantic movie was going on.

"Don’t you love me?”
“More than yesterday and less than tomorrow".

He switched off the TV and went to have a smoke in the balcony.
He remembered telling to his friend one day who had asked him,"why do u smoke buddy?".
"Well...cigarette...helps me to avoid loneliness ...i think ..someone is burning like me too....", he had replied with a wink.

As he lit the cigarette, he heard a lady scream,
"Jia.....Jia beti come here."
It was some random mother shouting at her baby daughter in the garden below.
He looked up at the sky and smiled smurkishly nodding his head sideways.

Why was life being so cruel to him? The more he tried to get over Jia and her memories, somehow or the other fate or destiny or whatever it is that defines our lives kept reminding him all the more. What had happened just now was not the only instant. He was having such small "encounters" or sightings or some bloody damn thing which kept bringing her memories back again and again for the whole year now.
It was as if someone, so called God had stabbed him, killed him and was stabbing him again and again just for the fun of it.

He lit another cigarette and just stood looking at the night sky. His mind was trying to force him to think about nothing, but his heart always did the opposite.

Jia had left him. Somehow things had not worked out between them as a couple. Then why was he still thinking about her. He knew was that even though he could somehow manage to "exist without her, he could never really "live". He would still like to see her again, to say what he never had said when they were together. To hold her hand and tell her that he loved her very much, more than himself, more than anything or anyone else in this world and he was ready to do anything to make it work. At times, he hoped that one day Jia would just show up at his door and hug him again and never leave him again.

He remembered reading a book - The Zahir, where it was mentioned that each individual in this world has that one person who is made for him/her, that one soul-mate, that Zahir. Kris had understood that no matter what he did to keep himself from not thinking about Jia, no matter how distracted he kept his mind, his Zahir always won, it was always there, making him think, “I wish she was here with me.” His Zahir was Jia.

He knew he had made some mistakes and may make even more, but it was Jia and only Jia he adored. Funny as it may sound, though Jia was so far away from him, she was getting more closer to his heart each passing day. And this was never going to change.
He was going to love her forever.

Kris threw the cigarette bud away.
Went inside his room, lifted the frame holding Jia's pic from his table.
"Happy Anniversary baby!", he said kissing the forehead.

He picked up his cell, called Raj.
"Hey buddy, change of plans. So....Where is your party?", Kris said forcing a smile.

Nadaan Parindey

2011-11-29T00:38:00.003+05:30

This song is dedicated to all those people who have experienced True Love in their life. To those who had held their loved ones in their arms one day in one year and perhaps have no one to hold on to on same day next year. To those who rememeber each and every moment spend with loved ones as if it were like yesterday. That touch. That surprises. That romance. That love. That moment.
If they have their love along with them, well and good.
If they dont, then also they should be happy to have had that chance once.

In the movie ROCKSTAR, love is defined in a very strange but so real way.
The movie starts with a dialouge with Ranbir saying in hindi...translated below..
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there".

These are written by a poet named Rumi. These look like simple lines but they have such a deep meaning which only two people in real love can understand. Love which is transcedental. Love which is heavenly. Love which comes from the soul.

Also would like to quote another line from the same poet as below.
“Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”

Such a simple line but with such a deep meaning. No matter what this society will do. No matter what this life, this luck, this destiny will do, two people in "Real" love can never ever be separated. That "Real" Love is above all these things and will remain FOREVER.

Rockstar Movie ....MUST watch. !!

Now coming to my fav song these days....Nadaan Parindey. Parindey means Birds. The song depicts a situation comparing the loved one to a bird and asking it to come back to its home.
The situation in the movie when the song is played and the way it has been picturised is so lovely that it gives me goosebumps each time i see it.
URL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttIKsnxPrMY

======================

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..

Kyun desh videsh phire maara
Kyun haal behaal thakha haara

Kyun desh videsh phire maara
Tu raat beraat ka banjaara

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..

Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja

Sau dard badan pe failey hai
Har karam ke kapde mailey hai

Kateein chahe jitna
Paroon se hawoon ko
Khud se na bach payega tu..
Todh aasmaanon ko
Phook de jawaanon ko
Khud ko chupa na payega tu..

Koi bhi le rastaa
Tu hi hai tu berastaa
Apne hi ghar aayeha tu..

Oh nadaan..
Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..

Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja

Kaagar kaagar
Morhi itni araj tohse
Chun chun khahiyoo maas

Kaagar kaagar
Morhi itni araj tohse
Chun chun khahiyoo maas
Arajiya re khahiyoo na
Do nain mohe
Khahiyoo na do nain mohe
Piya ke milan ki aas
Khahiyoo na do nain mohe
Khahiyoo na do nain mohe
Piya ke milan ki aas

Oh nadaan..
Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..

Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja
Nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja….

Here is to all those birds out there.
Come back to your loved ones someday.
Come back to your home someday. :-)

Time Of Our Lives....

2011-11-21T19:04:00.003+05:30

Lovely Song. Happened to stumble upon it while watching a TV Series.
The song plays in the background. The lyrics are so touchy.
Separation from friends / loved ones, break ups etc are always painful. Sometimes bitter.
But this song depicts it in a very "practical" manner. And on a happy note to move on...to let go.
Must listen.

URL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFPhEn6ifV0

===============================

This is where the chapter ends
And new one now begins
Time has come for letting go
The hardest part is when you know

All of these years
When we were here
Are ending
But I'll always remember

We have had the time of our lives
And now the page is turned
The stories we will write
We have had the time of our lives
And I will not forget the faces left behind
It's hard to walk away from the best of days
But if it has to end, I'm glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives

Where the water meets the land
There is shifting in the sand
Like the tide that ebbs and flows
Memories will come and go

All of these years
When we were here
Are ending
But I'll always remember
We have had the time of our lives
And now the page is turned
The stories we will write
We have had the time of our lives
And I will not forget the faces left behind
It's hard to walk away from the best of days
But if it has to end, I'm glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives

We say goodbye, we hold on tight
To these memories that never die
We say goodbye, we hold on tight
To these memories that never die

We have had the time of our lives
And now the page is turned
The stories we will write
We have had the time of our lives
And I will not forget the faces left behind
It's hard to walk away from the best of days
But if it has to end, I'm glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives

I'm glad you have been my friend
In the time of our lives

The Routine...

2011-11-11T15:52:00.009+05:30

It was getting late. Rishi was finishing up preparing the last few documents he was supposed to be submit by the end of the day. Working late in office had kind of become a daily ritual these days for him.

"Why do you work so late? ", people used to him almost everyday.
"Oh I love my job", Rishi used to reply with a smile. But deep inside he knew that the real reason was something different. He really had nothing else to do at home. Was alone in the new city he
had shifted to. He thought the new job, new city, new place, new people around would make him forget his past. But sometimes the past just keeps creeping up on you even if you dont want to. In the initial days, those thoughts of the past kept him awake most of the time. But then he had somehow succeeded in finding a way to help get rid of the insomnia he suffered from. And he was going to do just that this night as well.

"SHOUT". the big neon light blinked in the distance. It was the name of the disc, much similar to disc in his hometown.The reason he visited was this was the only disc cum bar which was closest to his house. So no matter how drunk he got, he knew he would reach home safe. He entered, with the gaurd at the gate saluting him. "Salaam Sir", he said. Rishi nodded. Rishi was a regular here and always tipped the guard when he left. Hence the proactive respect came for him each time he visited here. Rishi entered the dark place, lit only by a few lights burning here and there just barely bright enough not to trip over anything. Music was playing loudly. Crowd jeering. There was a reason by the disc was named "SHOUT", People always seemed to be shouting at every single hit the DJ played. Even if they have heard that same song a million times before. The other reason was the music was so loud you literally had to SHOUT or scream at the person next to you. The guys and girls loved it, since it gave them a chance to get close enough to smell each other and probably steal a kiss in the dark.
Rishi headed to the bar section ignoring all the people who were dancing away like crazy.

"The usual?", the bartender asked. "Yes please.", Rishi replied without a smile.
He checked his watch. It was 10:30pm. He scanned around the place. Girls in scantily clad dresses , Guys mostly wearing black. Dancing. Laughing. Jumping. Everyone seemed so happy. He observed the girls properly in his usual manner. Became dissapointed and turned to the drink in front. None of them had that same appeal he longed for. He looked at the glass in front of him. Scotch whiskey on the rocks. This was all he drank every single day here. He never counted the number of glasses. All he did was keep looking at the time. The moment the clock hit 11:30pm, he paid the bartender, got up from his seat and left. This one hour of time was when he would "try" to clear his mind blank. Try and think of nothing and just drink, one glass after another. It was like a game he played with his brain. Trying not to let it think about his past. Sometimes he won. Sometimes he lost. As they say, Sometimes the only way to get rid of an unpleasant feeling is to replace it with another unpleasant feeling. Then he would leave. Tip the gaurd. Get in his car. Drive home and sleep.
This was a daily routine and it really did help him get the good night sleep which everyone wants. As he sipped on this 10th refill, trying to win the game with his mind, he heard a voice.

"Hey", the voice said. he turned to his right to see a girl sitting next to him.

"Hey to you too", he replied back just for formality not sounding interested. The girl smiled and moved a seat closer.

"I came here two weeks back and noticed you sitting here, drinking alone. I come here today and here you are again. Sitting here drinking alone", she smiled.

"Its a small world isnt it?", Rishi replied emotionless.

"Hi, my name is Ruby", she said coming closer to him whispering in his ears. Her hair smelt good. She smelt good. The scent was so familiar. He had smelt it before and he remembered on whom. But Rishi did not respond. Just kept looking at the blank space in front of him and sipped on his glass.

"Well that is a rude way to treat a girl approaching u?", Ruby replied.

Rishi was now getting irritated. Its been more than 3months since he is visiting this bar and no one cared to disturb him in his daily routine "game". And here was this girl sitting next to him. "WHAT do you want?", Rishi replied stressing on the word What.

"Just a conversation", Ruby replied.

"Well... i dont have anything to say. So please. Thank You. Go find someone else to talk to.", Rishi replied in a calm and composed manner.

"Fine", said Ruby walking away. "Is he gay?", she asked the bartender loudly just to get some reaction. Rishi heard it but remained emotionless as always. Once again he continued the game of fighting with his past.But somehow, now he was loosing the fight. Visions started flashing in front of him. Visions of Niharika. The girl he loved.

"Go away. I am not talking to you", Niharika said angrily.

"Haha...sorry baby. I swear I was not looking at her", Rishi replied laughing.

"Shut Up. I saw you staring at her from top to bottom. What haan ? Raping her using your eyes? Go Get lost", Niharika replied.

"Hahaha...No baby. Sorry Sorry. Wont happen again. I love u only baby. Why dont you trust me? Even if i scan other girls, dosent mean I will run away with them? Atleast I am not scanning other boys na ?", Rishi replied with a wink.

"Nooooo. dont say that. Scan girls, its fine. Dont talk about being gay", Niharika replied with both of them laughing and holding hands again.

Rishi and Niharika were together for past 7 years now. They loved each other very much. Small fights like these were common. Rishi being a guy always had his eyes wandering when a nice hot chick passed by. But he knew deep inside none of them would love him like how Niharika did. And hence he was always loyal to her. Niharika too had many guy friends, which made Rishi jealous sometimes. They often fought about it, but always ended up being together within hours because they had become so inseparable. They could not stay without each other. They could not spend a single day without each other.

"You need a refill sir?", the bartender asked breaking Rishi out of his vision. His trance. "Huh....ya..yes.....please...thanks.", Rishi replied. The noisy sound of the disc and people shouting came back to him. Rishi checked his watch. It was 11:30pm. Time to leave. Rishi paid the bartender, tipped him too. Walked about. Today he didnt feel that good. He felt drunk. He was not able to walk properly. This never happend to him before. He walked out. Tipped the gaurd as always. Walked slowly to the parking lot, when a car sped towards him. THUD !!!. The car almost hit him head-on.
"SON OF A B*T#H", Rishi shouted falling on the ground. The car just turned around him and sped off as Rishi lay staring in the air. Everything around him was getting dark as he closed his eyes.

"No. Please dont go", Rishi said crying, holding Niharika's hands. They were standing on the railway platform.

"Promise me, you will come back as mine.", Rishi begged still holding her.

"Dont worry jaan, I will handle this. Everything will be fine.". Niharika replied getting on the train.

"I am sorry Rishi, but I cannot do anything now. Please try to understand the situation. I have to go", Niharika replied. Rishi remained quiet. Niharika looked at him and hugged him tightly. Rishi responded back by hugging even more tightly.

As Rishi was waving her goodbye. He felt a pain in the heart. Would this be the last time he would be ever seeing Niharika? Would this be the last time ever he would ever have hugged her? He thought to himself. "No" he thought. She said she will come back. She will be back.
Niharika had to leave town. Her parents had arranged her meeting with a guy. She had to see him for formality. She had planned to reject him anyway. But that was not meant to be. Once she reached her home, situations were different than she had expected. She was not allowed to call anyone. She was not told that this was not just a meeting but an engagement. Relatives had been invited from all over the state. It was a grand function. And she had no other
option but to go ahead with what her parents had planned. She could not spoil her parents name by doing something stupid. She had to surrender. Rishi was devastated when he came to know the news of Niharika's engagement. His worst fears had come true. He would be loosing her forever. He would be loosing her to the stupid rules and ethics of this society and this country where two people in love are not allowed to be together all on the basis of
caste, religion, region and society.

Rishi opened his eyes. He was lying in a room on the bed. He looked around. But this was not his house. "Oh you are awake", Ruby said handing him a glass of water.

"Youuuuuuuu???" , Rishi said holding his head which was hurting so much.

"Yes. Its me.", Ruby replied.

"Wha....what happened...?", Rishi enquired drinking the glass of water.

"Well, When i left the place with my friends, we saw you lying on the road in the parking lot. We tried waking you up, but you were unconscious. Then my friends helped be bring you to my place, since i told them i knew you. Dont worry. I did not touch you", she said winking.
Rishi checked his watch. It was 7am.
"Thanks. But i need to go.", Rishi replied."Thats it ? Thats all I get for helping you? Mann..You are something. Atleast you should offer me a dinner tonight with you." Ruby said smiling.

Rishi started checking if all his things were there with him. He checked his wallet first for Niharika's pic which he still carried with him and then for the money. Everything was in place.
"Thanks but I never asked for your help. You should have left me there on the road.", he said heading to the door.

"How ungrateful can someone get.?", Ruby said smirking as Rishi opened the door.

"Btw, who is Niharika?", Ruby asked. Rishi stopped and turned back.

"What did you say?" , he asked.

"WHo is Niharika?", Ruby enquired again.

"How do you know Niharika?", Rishi asked getting suspicious.

"Well....you were talking in your sleep yesterday and must have mentioned her name atleast 12times.", Ruby answered. Rishi kept quiet.

Looked at her firmly and said, "No one". and slammed the door when he headed out.
The sun had come up and Rishi started walking towards the disc to get to his car and then home.
"I have no one here baby without you. I am all alone. You were everything to me. I really dont know what to do?" Rishi was crying on the phone.

"Please Rishi. Be practical. Its all over now. You need to move on and let me move on too. Dont worry you will have time to forget me and find some other girl. Think about me. I am here talking to you and within a few days I have to marry someone else.", Niharika replied.

"Please baby. Please dont do this. Please come back", Rishi begged.

"Sorry Rishi, Got to go now. Talk to you later", Niharika said dropping the call.

She had tears in her eyes. She knew what she had done to Rishi was wrong, but she was helpless. Rishi sat there crying still holding on to the phone. He knew Niharika's helplessness. But still he was begging.

Rishi got inside his car and headed home. He had to get ready and head to work. He thought of Ruby. He decided that next time when he meets her, he will buy her a drink or something for helping him. Then he tried to think about him and Ruby being together as a couple. Somehow it did not match. This happened with every other girl. But he knew that one day he had to choose someone, even though he didnt want to. It had been years now and yet Rishi was not able to move on. Each time he looked at another girl, his mind started comparing her with Niharika. The eyes, the hair, the smile, the laughter, the smell. Rishi's mind was so full of everything about Niharika that he was not able to allow anyone else to enter his life even after so many years. Initially he tried his best though, flirting with girls. Now he had all the freedom to scan them, talk to them unlike before, but each time he tried doing that, Niharikas thoughts came to him. Then he decided to stop it completely. He decided to isolate himself from the world and concentrate only on his work. He shifted base to a new city inorder to forget her, but memories are sometimes so tough to let go. He thought about his life. Where it was heading.

Life is a bitch when the only person you can think of belongs to someone else. But then life is such.

"Good Morning Rishi", the receptionist smiled as he entered the office.
Rishi smiled back without replying and got to work.

Yet another day at work.

And yet another night at the "SHOUT" was awaiting him.

Boys Don't Cry...

2011-11-08T20:07:00.003+05:30

Was just watching one episode of "How I met your mother".
And this song comes in the background at the end of it. Just a few lines of the lyrics made me search for the song and find it. Its the lyrics of the song that have such a deep meaning and which touched my heart.
Its always like this in our society. Boys should not cry. Atleast not in public. No matter how much pain they are in. They always have to hide those pain and those tears. Poor Boys. :-)

---------------------------

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

URL : http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=450425333539707212

Rains

2011-11-08T09:38:00.005+05:30

We had this poem and story writing contest in office, during the rainy season this year. There was a word limit and a time limit too. I made an attempt at it. I wrote these things in a couple of days. These are not the best stuff I have written but then I guess they had to be dumped somewhere.

TGIM ( THANK GOD ITS MONDAY )
-------------------------------------------
Monday was a Holiday from office and it was raining heavily. Aditya was hoping the rains should stop soon.He had already made big plans for the day. Biggest perhaps. He had decided to propose to her today."Huh... Goddd.. why these rains cant stop?", he cursed to himself, soon getting distracted by the phone ring "Nivedita calling". His heart skipped a beat like it always did for the past 2 years. She was someone he could share everything with.She even knew all about his past. And thats what made her special.

"Hi", he said picking the call and hoping she would not cancel the plan."What should we Adi?", she enquired."Lets just wait for sometime. If the rains stop, I will come and pick you up.", Aditya replied."Ok. Cool." was the reply as she cut the phone.

Aditya prayed to God like he always did. Having an imaginery conversation."Cmon man. This is it. Its been 2 years since we met. I know had my chances and I missed them. But this time i really want to.Please stop the rains God"

Just then he heard another lightning. And the pour increased. Aditya smiled with anger. A strange mix of emotions."Ok Fine. This is it. You want to test how badly I need her. Fine.", he said storming out of the house.
"Dude.. where the hell you think you are going in this rain", his roomie shouted."Be right back", Aditya shouted back.
Aditya was not knowing what he was doing. But yet he started his bike. Got completely drenched in the first 1minute he drove.Reached Nivedita's place. Rang the bell. The door opened. It was Shilpa, her roomie.She looked surprised.
"Adi !! What are you doing here ?"

"Uhhh .. Hi ... is Nivedita there ?" , he asked.

"Yes, but why are you wet. What are you doing here?", she again asked with her mouth open. "uhhh.. just call Nivedita please.", Aditya screamed.
Nivedita came to the door.

"Adi!! , what happened to you?, what are you doing here", she exclaimed.

"I need to tell you something. Can you come out to the stairs for sometime.", Aditya said wiping his face. "Sure".
He took her to the nearby stairs.

"Nivedita. I really dont know what I am doing here at this time and in this condition.I actually had planned a lot of things but then since the rains just wont stop, I thought i come up here and tell you myself."He kept quiet getting lost in the beauty of her eyes just like the first day he saw her.
"OK", replied Nivedita. "Go on".
"Huh... yaa so i was saying. uhhh...So the thing is, I had planned that after the movie, we would go to sea shore and eat the nice hot roasted corn and the bhajjiya and the .... " , he kept quiet.
Nivedita was quiet too as Aditya stared in her eyes.
"I have been thinking about you Nivi. Thinking a lot. No matter how hard I tried to neglect and prevent your thoughts from coming into my head, I just couldnt stop them. Everytime, everyplace, everywhere I go, you are always there right there in my thoughts, my dreams. I always feel very happy around you. But my past comes to haunt me all the time. I was afraid all this time. But today I was getting a feeling that it was now and never."
Nivedita listened with a little confused state but a state of complete calmness.
"I have lost the ones I loved, Nivedita. I was so scared of this darkness in love, that I stopped to search for the stars anymore. And thats why I decided to live my life on my own. Without love, ignorant of the fact that you were shining over me all this while. But now ....I realised that I am not afraid anymore!! I am not scared of getting hurt anymore. I realised that I was not afraid of loving anymore."
Nivedita was quiet.
"I love you Nivi", he ended after a pause.
"I know this might not be your fairytale proposal. I dont have any flowers or gift to suprise you with. Neither am i on my knees.Neither am i dressed correctly and I am soaking wet. But Whatever i have said was something I wanted to say for a really long time now.And i make a promise that no matter what you reply i would always be there to stand by you and care for you and ...."

Nivedita couldnt stop her tears from rolling out.

"I love you too", she replied interupting him and kissing him on the cheek.
Then there was a pause and then a laughter followed by another silent moment looking at each other.
Aditya looked outside. It had stopped raining.
"You still want to go to the movie and the sea and eat the roasted corn?" , Nivedita asked."Yes", he replied smiling.
"It has stopped raining. Go dry and change yourself first. Let me also get ready.", Nivedita said.
Adtiya ran down the stairs, started his bike, looked up at the sky and smiled. "Thanks for the rains and thanks for the holiday today", he said to God and drove back to his house.

TEARS OF GOD
------------------
In the lane so dark, he walked alone
His heart was heavy, as the moonlight shone.
His mind was confused, lost was his soul
He had prayed so hard, yet missed his goal.
A vision of memories of a time gone by
Flashing in front made him sigh.
Even the Gods seem to be crying, feeling his pain,
To let him know, it began to rain.

As he sat on the bench with eyes all wet
Contemplating a reason. Was it the rain or the pain.

The night had passed, the sun was in sight
He smiled as he felt the warmth of the first light
The chirping of birds, the fresh smell of the wetted earth
He seemed to have been given a whole new birth
The cold, but gentle breeze touched his face
The dark clouds of sorrow had moved away with grace
He looked up at the sky and the Gods he did thank
For washing away his tears, and clearing his mind blank.

With a new beginning and a bucket list
He decided to be alive and not just exist.

Confrontation Zone...

2011-11-07T21:01:00.005+05:30

SCREEECH ! BANG ! THUD !

"Arjun. Wake up Arjun." , said a voice.

Arjun opened his eyes. He was lying flat on the ground.

"huh.. whaa... ", he stood up on his feet.

He looked at himself, saw he was wearing white. All white.
But why was he wearing white?? He was not wearing white 5min back.
He looked around, everything around him was pure white. There was nothing else he cud see.
There was no one else he could see.

"Where am I", he murmured to himself.

"The question you should be asking is not where you are, but what are you doing here". The voice again spoke.

Arjun tried to recollect what he was doing. Yes. He was driving. Driving back home from work.
He was thinking about Naina. Then thinking about "not thinking about Naina".
And then there was this big truck which came in the front. Oh he hated trucks so much.

"Who are you", Arjun asked the voice.

"I am God."

"Huh,....Haha ... Hahahhahaah God?? ", Arjun started laughing loudly.

"Why are you laughing Arjun?"

"HUh .. nothing.. I mean i used to have conversations with God before. But not like this.
so just shut the crap and tell me where the hell am I ?", Arjun was furious.

"You are in the confrontation zone."

"Confrontation Zone ?? Wats that ? AM i dead or something? ", Arjun enquired.

"No Arjun. Not yet. You are in that last stage from where I decide whether and where I shud send you further?"

Arjun suddenly seemed to realise the situation. He remembered the impact he had with the truck.
Then he just blacked out. The next thing he remembered was waking up in this strange place.
So perhaps what this voice was telling him was indeed the truth.

"Ok. So what do you want from me God? You know we havent spoken in years.", Arjun smirked.

"Yes. Arjun. I know. Why did u leave me ? Why did you abandon me like this?"

"Oh...dont you know why ? I thought you are supposed to know everything. Didnt i even tell u why am i doing this to you?", Arjun said angrily.

"Havent I given you everything you wanted Arjun? Right from the time you were born"

"Most of the times, yes. But all those things never really matter. They were things which gave me momentary happiness. Yes. I was happy with all the favors you have done for me whenever I have asked them from you. But.... " , Arjun said the last word in a very low voice.

"But what Arjun?"

"You know WHAT.", Arjun rebuked.

"Naina??"

"Yes... Naina.", Arjun seemed to be getting furious now.

"Wasnt that a miracle?"

"Yes God. It was. It was the best, infact the only miracle which seemed to have happened to me. You made it happen. You listened to me and my prayers and made it happen. Then why God why ?? Why did u end everything? Why did you ...", Arjun was crying now.

"My job is to bring people closer. Its their job to decide to live together"

"But you also create situations right ? You created the situation when we both fell in love. You created that chance. You made it happen. Then when everything was sailing smoothly, YOUUUU created another situation of helplessness for both of us. You bloody brought us closer and you are the one who separated us. Why do you give so much happiness to some person and then snatch it all away in an instant. WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP PLAYING WITH OUR LIVES LIKE THIS", Arjun said shouting and wiping his tears.

God was quiet.

"What happened? Nothing to say now?", Arjun rebuked.

"I am hurt Arjun. I really dont know wat to say. I have done so much for you all these years and I am hurt that you abandon me for one thing which..."

"That ONE THING...was what mattered to me the most in my life so far. So yes. YES i abandoned you. Huh...cmon God Dont you know how much....
JUST HOW MUCH we both had prayed to you to make things better. How much I had prayed to you for not doing the thing you did. We had a deal - You and Me.
I kept my side of it. I was even prepared to give more of my time to you in the future. I was going to surrender my soul to you. But you did not keep you end of the deal God.", Arjun was furious.

"You didnt have to surrender you soul to me. I stay in your heart anyways."

"No God. You dont. Not anymore. Only one person stays in my heart and is going to stay there forever and you know who i am talking about. I am sorry God. But each time i look at you now i see a failed person. I see someone who is not capable of making right and just decisions. Someone who has betrayed me. Someone who has failed me. Someone for whom i did so much and yet for reasons unknown to me , abandoned me. I didnt leave you God. You left me when i wanted you the most. HUh...dont u even remember God that till the LAST day. the last bloody day when a normal person would give up hope on everything. I still put my trust in you. I still prayed to you in the hope that you will listen to my prayer...atleast on the last day you will make something happen that Naina would not get separated from me. But you did not. You just.... You took her away. YOU left me ,,,here... ALONE", Arjun said.

God was quiet.

"You abandoned me God. You were my only hope. I was a person lost of any purpose to exist anymore. Two of the people whom i considered to be part of my soul. Two of the people who were the only ones i ever thought about or cared about. You and Naina left me together. I dont blame Naina. But i will blame YOU. You took her away from me and I had to go away from you. And i was lost God. I was lonely. I didnt have anyone to turn to. I was left with lots of questions. And i did not have any answers. I was left there to cry alone. No one to even share the immense pain i had in my heart. No shoulder to cry on. I thought of doing something bad to myself but I could not. There are other people out there who needed me to be alive. I was in my own world of misery God. I was falling in this hole of darkness of sorrow with no hand to reach out to. I could not even look at your face God. Coz it made me more angry on you. After all that we had between us how could you leave me and Naina so helpless."

Arjun was quiet now. The initial anger seemed to have subsided.

"DO you know Arjun that Naina has not given up on me yet? She worries about you. She even prays for your happiness and well being."

"Yaah. Am sure she does.", Arjun replied.

"What do you want from me Arjun?"

"Oh, I think you know EXACTLY what I want. But i really doubt you will ever make that happen. Listen God. I am sorry. But I have totally lost all faith in you. I have lost all faith in faith for that matter. I really do not know what is right or wrong. What is good or bad. I dont even care if you exist or not. You dont exist God. you are just man-made. You know what I have even removed you from my daily talk. I dont say words like 'Oh God', 'God bless' 'Holy' etc like I used to say before. ANd I made a mistake to realise this too late. I should have taken some "Action" when things were going wrong for me instead of Waiting for you to help me. You dont even help. You just play around. You dont even exit. Why am i even having this conversation", Arjun replied.

God was speechless.

"Ok God. fine. Here is the deal. You know that I have just one prayer on my mind, one wish in my heart right now. I have no idea if you will ever make that come true. But till then,.....till then God, promise me you will take care of Naina. Promise me you will keep her happy always. Promise me you will keep her smiling and laughing always. Coz she has given me so much happiness which i could never repay her back. She had given me so much love, which i could never repay her back. She meant the world to me then and even now. I love her. Even more than you God. So promise me.", Arjun said in a calm voice.

"I promise"

Arjun opened his eyes. He was lying flat on the ground. The road.
The sound of cars honking, people shouting.

"You ok brother?", an unknown face asked.

"Huh ..yaa...", Arjun replied seeing someone lifting his bike for him.

"You are lucky dost, you didnt get much hurt.", another unknown voice spoke.

Arjun sat on his bike. Drove home slowly.

Went home. removed his shirt. He was safe. No scratches on the body except on his left arm.
Blood was oozing out from the mud filled wound.
He washed it with dettol and cleaned it up.
As he was drying the wound, he noticed that the wound made a mark of "N" just above the elbow. Arjun smiled.
Strangely, the wound was not paining at all. Perhaps the pain in the heart was already so much that no amount of physical pain caused any problem.
He went to a doctor. Got some injections and bandages done and came back home.

He looked at the picture of God in his rack. He had not touched it for years now.
It was covered with dust and a couple of cobwebs around it.
He picked it up, cleaned it and placed it back on the rack.

"This is for the promise you made to me God. Dont expect anything else from me.", Arjun said looking at the pic for one last time.

LAST Day in NOC

2011-10-31T19:26:00.004+05:30

Today , Oct 31 2011, will be in my memory as the last working day in the BT NOC. The project I worked for the past 5 and a half years of my life.

It was in March 2006 that I first entered NOC. Coming from Mysore after the initial training, I had not idea wat a project and working in office would be like. But the day I entered the NOC and my mouth just went "wow". When i looked at those screens, filled with colors ( which later i came to know were alarms ) i knew str8 away that yes this was the project I want to work in.

I had never imagined that I would last so long in the project to be the senior most in the team when the project leaves.

Over the past 5.5 years, infosys, work, life etc had all one meaning - NOC. My whole life revolved around it. In these years....there have been so many twist and turn....ups and down...both personally and professionally in my life. It sure was a roller coaster ride.

Entering NOC as Level 1, new to the work culture, learning how to speak to people from different countries with different accents. Handling tickets, escalations, sending mails, calls, alarms, packet drops, erros on link, primary secondary backups.....etc etc etc...phew !

Then as time passed by, new batches started coming. I became senior. Then more batches came.
I became duty manager. Then more batches came. I moved to the SCB/CLSA team.
Then for the past 1.5 years. working as a TEAM LEAD for the SCB/CLSA team has been an honour indeed.

Right now infact..... when i look back and think about last 5.5 years.
I just close my eyes and think .....MY MY MY ...there are soooooo many memories...
So so many memories......that cant even describe all of them.

And over the years, I have changed so much.
I look at myself in the mirror now and compare with the Sudhanshu 5 years back.
Not only have i changed in looks, size and all. But also as an individual. As a professional.
From being the bindaas, free spirited, flirty Sudhanshu to a more responsible, quieter and composed Sudhanshu, NOC has taught me everything.

Life has taught me so many lessons. Some good. Some bad.
It gave me so much happiness, also gave me equal amount of pain.
But then life is such. My life is such.
There have been so so so many wonderful and ever lasting cherishable memories with the people I loved.
So many people came in my life. So many people left.
Some will always remain special. Some will be remembered as names.
All those talks, chats on IM, those night shifts, those Food court visits, those strolls around the campus, the games in NOC, the work too .... those parties, the dances, the small fights, the bitching about others, the smiles, the laughters, the weekend shifts, the conference calls, the movie watching , the listening to songs, the breaks, the talks and more talks.
...uffff.......so many memories.

I am getting so overwhelmed with emotion right now.
Sadly no one to share them with. Hence i felt the blogs the best place to jot them down.

All the people around me, all my friends either left the company, got onsite etc etc.
NOC and work were the only things keeping me going.
I really wonder ....

that tomorrow , when i step foot inside the Infosys campus, where will i be going ?
For the past 5.5 years the only place i headed to was the NOC. But tomorrow will be different.
Not only will I be lonely, I will have no place to sit. :-) eat Breakfast and Lunches alone, and really dont know what to do.

Perhaps its good things, Perhaps this is the time for change.
Perhaps I should change myself now for the good. Perhaps I should again be that free spirited bindaas Sudhanshu. Or Should I be more responsible. I want to change myself.
But I am tired of changes. The changes which I feel are good dont last forever.

Really confused as to where life is going to take me from tomorrow.
Not sure wat else to write. Running short of words.

I just thank NOC from the bottom of my heart.
I thank life and pray that instead of beinfg cruel, it should support me.
I thank all the people who have come in my life, for being there with me for supporting me till whatever time they could. Thanks to all the special persons.
Love them all.

With a smile on my face. Tears in my eyes.
And imaginery shoulders to cry on. Imaginery hands to hold.
I Look forward to a new life tomorrow. I hope and pray its good.

2011-10-26T14:06:00.002+05:30

Dear Readers,

I am sure most of you out there might have logged to my blog to see if i have written anything new. :-)

Today being diwali, I really wanted to write something related to that. However I was not really able to find the right scenario or context. Hence couldnt.

All i wanted to say was that, I have got lot of good stories in my head. And I promise most of them will be happy ones. :-) The ones celebrating life, the ones celebrating hope and the ones celebrating love.

I write coz I got such faithful readers in you. So thank you.

Happy Diwali to you all.
God bless you with all the real happiness this year.

Lots of love,
HeartFelt

Redemption - Part 2

2011-10-25T12:26:00.004+05:30

Akshay drove his bike like a maniac. Speeding past the traffic signals, lucky not to get caught.
Clearly he was in a hurry. He reached the place.

"uhh .. hi, i need to see Dr. Zahira right now" , Akshay said to the receptionist.

"Dr. Zahira is busy with another patient. You will have to wait.", came the reply.

"No..no...no .. you dont understand. I NEED TO SPEAK TO HER RIGHT NOW", Akshay said banging the desk.

"Sir, i am afraid this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated, you will have to wait....". Just as she was about to complete the sentence, the patient inside came out.

Akshay did not waste any time and dashed to Dr. Zahira's cabin.

"Hi doc, sorry to bust in like this, but i really needed to speak to u", Akshay said gasping for breath.

"Cool down Akshay. Here have this glass of water. Sit down. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Then speak"., Dr. Zahira spoke in her calm voice as always.

After taking about a couple of minutes to settle down Akshay spoke.

"She called me today. After a very long time." Akshay said with a smile on his face and a bit of sadness in his heart.

Then he fell silent staring at the empty space.

"Yes Akshay go on. I am listening. What did she say ?" , Dr. Zahira tried breaking his silence.

"Felt so good to hear her voice doc. Even if it is for a couple of seconds. Feels good to hear her sweet voice. It was my birthday yesterday. She called to wish me. She said I need to marry before my next bday." Akshay replied calmly.

Dr. Zahira was a bit worried now. Akshay was still staring at emptiness.

"She also said that its all over now. And that nothing is going to happen now. And that we have to accept fate and move on. She said that i need to understand. Then the line got disconnected." Akshay smirked.

"And did u understand Akshay?", Dr. Zahira asked.

"No not at first. I was in the mindset and false hope that she will come back to me. And then we will marry each other. I was ready to accept her anytime back. Coz i love her so much. All i needed to live this life was her. I would not mind what people would say. And when she said that i need to marry someone else, I thought to myself, how can i do that. I am waiting for her so that i can marry her. But then i looked at her pics again. The ones with her husband. She seemed happy doc. I guess she has moved on with her life. I guess she has accepted what fate had written for us.". Akshay said all this in one breath.

Dr Zahira was feeling a bit relaxed now.

"Go on Akshay.", she said.

"Well.. doc. I think i have decided to move on now. Come out of my dreamland and face the reality. She was right. Nothing is going to happen now. So i guess i need to tell her that i am ready to accept her decision. If she is happy with her new life, i do not want to ruin it by forcing her out of it. All i need is her to be happy and smiling as always. Oh doc she has the most amazing laughter. You know doc, when she laughs a lot, her eyes usually close. i just loved to make her laugh doc.", Akshay said smiling himself.

Dr Zahira was happy to see a smile on his face after a long time.

"Doc. i just ... i mean i can never ever forget her. I just needed to know from her that she will never forget me. I just needed to know whether she will remember that there was a guy called Akshay in her life who loved her so so so much. Thats all i need to know. Thats all i need to continue living. But doc, i wont be giving up hope about being with her one day. Perhaps when we are old. When situations are such that we both would be alone that time. Perhaps our respective spouses have died or something like that. I just need to know from her that when that day comes, she will want to be with me. When that day comes, she will choose me. When that day comes, we will be together. I dont think I can wait for next life. I want her in this life, perhaps later in my life will also be ok.", Akshay continued.

Dr Zahira was getting emotional. She had never seen anyone love anyone else so much before.

"You know wat doc. I just have this one wish. That before i die, All i want is Aditi to be next to me and I would show her all the letters I have been writing for her. All the collection of pics I have made. And I would want to kiss her forehead and hug her and tell her that I loved her so so much. And a promise from her that in the next life, she will choose me." Akshay ended.

Dr zahira had tears in her eyes.

"Oh doc, i am sorry. here take this tissue", said AKshay handing the box.

"Akshay, seeing the love u have for her. I wish and pray with all my heart that one day whatever you wish for will come true. Your love for Aditi is divine. She should consider herself lucky to have got you in her life for whatever duration. And you should consider yourself lucky that you were able to find and recognise true love in her. Love which comes from the soul. Very few people in this world are as lucky as you and Aditi.", Dr Zahira said wiping her tears.

"Thanks doc for hearing me out. I will leave now. Guess I wont need to see you again.". Akshay said.
"Yes. I hope the same too". Dr Zahira said smiling.

Akshay then drove off on his bike.
The air brushing against his face made him feel lighter in some strange way.

" Be happy Aditi. God bless you. " he thought to himself.

I Love You...

2011-10-24T18:40:00.001+05:30

When U Were Only 5 Yrs Old, I Said I... Love U...
U Asked Me: "What Is It?"

When U Were 15 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Blushed.. U Look Down And Smile..

When U Were 20 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Put Ur Head On My Shoulder And Hold My Hand.. Afraid That I Might Dissapear..

When U Were 25 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Prepare Breakfast And Serve It In Front Of Me, And Kiss My Forhead N
Said : "U Better Be Quick, Is’s Gonna Be Late.."

When U Were 30 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Said: "If U Really Love Me, Please Come Back Early After Work.."

When U Were 40 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Were Cleaning The Dining Table And Said: "Ok Dear, But It’s Time For U To Help Our Child With His/Her Revision.."

When U Were 50 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Were Knitting And U Laugh At Me..

When U Were 60 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Smile At Me..

When U Were 70 Yrs Old. I Said I Love U....
We Sitting On The Rocking Chair With Our Glasses On.. I’m Reading Your Love Letter That U Sent To Me 50 Yrs Ago..With Our Hand Crossing Together..

When U Were 80 Yrs Old, U Said U Love Me!
I Didn’t Say Anything But Cried.

We may not express it but when we say "I Love You" we want our partner also to say the same... there are many ways of expressing love but nothing can play the same magic that these 3 words can play when said in return. :-)

God bless you all.

Redemption....

2011-10-24T15:58:00.009+05:30

Akshay washed his face and stared at the mirror.
Drops of waters trickling down his face.
He was staring at his own eyes. They had cried a lot for years now.
Was this the right thing to do ? Should i really go there ? he asked himself.

30min later he was at the place.
"Dr. Zahira Khan". The board outside read.

He went inside. There were hardly any people inside.
Mr. Akshay ? , the receptionist asked.
Yes., he replied.
Please go inside. Madam is expecting you.

Hands trembling, he went inside.

"Akshay ??right ? . Come, have a seat" , Dr. Zahira spoke.
The voice was calm soothing. People in her profession need to have that kind of a voice.
"Thanks doc for seeing me in such short notice", Akshay replied.

"No problem, make yourself comfortable. We have a lot to talk", she said.

Akshay had been going through some very bad days. He was not getting sleep, his work was getting affected, he had lost clarity of thoughts, he always wanted to be in isolation.
The separation from his beloved was getting to him in worse possible ways. It was then that his friend suggested he should visit Dr. Zahira, hopefully to get his life back in order. So here he was. Not sure what to say or do. He sat patiently looking at the doc.

"Okayy .." said Dr. Zahira as she was scanning through some papers.
"So tell me Akshay, what is it thats bothering you."

Akshay seemed puzzled. " uhh .where should i start? " , he replied.
"Just speak your heart out Akshay,' , Dr Zahira smiled.

Akshay took one sip from the glass of water kept on the table and then took a deep breath and began.

" Its been 5 years now ever since we got separated." , he started.
"We ? " , doc replied.

" Me and Aditi. We were so madly in love. We are soul mates. we had planned so much for life. We had imagined so many things. Oh we loved each other so much doc. It was magical. We dreamt so many things but then fate just had other plans. Somehow things started going wrong. Everything seemed to fall apart. I tried my best to hold on to her. But she had to choose. It was her choice. And she did not choose me.", Akshay said in one go.

"Do you blame her? ", Dr. Zahira enquired.

"No...never.. I would never blame my baby. I loved her so much. I still do. You know wat doc its been 5 years and i have tried my best to move on in life. To try to forget her. To try to wipe her memories off, but nothing seems to be working. There is not a single moment when i dont think about her. No matter what i do, i end up thinking about her. Worse part is that even when i am asleep, i get dreams about her. Almost every single day doc. Oh Doc, the visions in the dreams, her face is so clear, so distinct. The touch of her hand on my hand in my dream seems so real even to this day. I really dont know what do to. I try my best to convince myself thats its all over. But deep inside i know that my heart will always have a hole. My life will always be incomplete without her.", Akshay burst into tears.

Dr. Zahira handed him the tissue paper asking " So are you both still in touch ?"

"No ..she has not called for a long time now. I keep dying to hear her voice. So i listen to the recording we once took. I keep looking at her pics when i miss her and most often than not, tears and pain always come. I always wonder how life would have been with her. The thing is doc, i really dont know whom to blame. Should i blame myself, her or god or fate. Whom should i go asking for the answer to my Q. The Q being ... why why did all this happen to us. When we were meant to be together, then why are we separated like this".

"Do you have her pic Akshay?", the doc asked.

Akshay removed his wallet, and showed the doc her pic.
"I was there with her when she took this pic in the studio. And i have been carrying it
in my wallet ever since. I talk to this pic when i feel like talking to her. I kiss this pic good night before i go to bed. This pic is the only thing which makes me be closer to her. I know its madness, but then this is how it is."

Dr. Zahira paused and looked at Akshay staring at Aditi's pic in his hand.

"Akshay, have u tried going out, seeing other girls. getting into another relationship, marriage perhaps. Doing things to make you not think about her.." she asked.

"Huh ..doc..i already told u.... i try and keep myself busy with work or other activities, but i end up thinking about her. If i talk with other girls, i feel a guilty feeling that i am cheating on her. Being into another relationship is just not possible with Aditi still in my heart. Marriage... huh .. my parents are forcing me for long time now. But i keep refusing them coz i know that Aditi will come back to me one day. I just know it deep inside my heart that we will be together soon." , Akshay smiled.

Dr. Zahira had a worried look on her face now. She knew this was a tough case.
She was sitting in front of a patient who just didnt want to let go. She was sitting in front of a patient who was living in a fantasy world he has created for himself and was living in the past. Afraid to see the truth. But she had to show him the truth.

"Do you know Akshay that Aditi is married now.?". Dr. Zahira asked.

"Yes i know. But i also know that no matter what one day she will..."

"Akshay Akshay ..." the doc interuptted. " I got to show you some thing."

She removed some pics from her file and placed in the table in front of Akshay.
Pics of Aditi and her husband. Akshay was stunned looking at them. He felt heartbroken once again. Seeing Aditi holding hands with someone else, seeing their faces close to each other, he was devastated. Anger seemed to be quickly rushing through. He stood up and banged his hands on the table.

" NOooooooooooooo" , he said and threw the pics on the ground.

Dr. Zahira did not utter a word. She gave him time to calm down.

Akshay sat down again holding his head in this hands and crying profusely.
Then after 5min, he started smiling and then laughing.

"Doc...dont think i am crazy or something. I am fine. I know the reality. I just want to ask my baby whether she has moved on. I want to hear from her that she has moved on. I want to know if she is happy. I want to know from her that she is living the life fate has given to her, but i want to know that she will never forget me. I want to know if she thinks about me. I want to know if she sheds tears thinking about me. Coz i have been crying every single day since we were separated. Every god damned single day. About the pics which you just showed me. Pics can be deceptive. They dont always show the real feelings inside. I know when my baby smiles. I Know when she pretends to smile. She is pretending to smile in all these pics. Its like sometimes you dont want to, but you have to". Akshay said.

"Yes Akshay. Perhaps you are right. perhaps she is pretending to be happy with her new life.
But she has moved on unlike u. She has accepted the decision of fate with a heavy heart perhaps. But she has and thats what important. Perhaps she is sad. Perhaps she too might be thinking about u every now and then. Perhaps she too might be shedding some tears when your thoughts come. Perhaps she too worries about u. But what you have to see is that she has decided to move on with her new life, but i am sure she would never forget u and the time you both had when you were together. I am sure she will treasure that time as long as she is alive. But you have to be practical Akshay. I know you love her so much and will always do. but this is how life is.
You do not always get what you want. You have to think about your parents too. You have to make sure they are happy too. You said she decided not to choose you when she had a choice, coz perhaps she cared for her parents too. And now you have to do it too." , Dr Zahira spoke.

"But doc, wat is the point. Its a fake life I would be living. Its a fake life she is living too. Its like you have someone else in your heart but have to live with some other person. what point of living a life like that."

"Sometimes Akshay, your life has many other people dependent on you. And you have no other choice but to live your life for others happiness. Trust me AKshay, Aditi will not want you to waste your life like this. She would want you to marry someone else and find love again and move on."

"Ahhgg...doc....you dont know anything. You do not know how much we prayed to be together. We always wanted to be together. If somehow we would get to go back to that time when we had to make a decision, i am sure we would choose each other. Even now, suppose somehow it was possible that i had one wish. I am sure that one wish would be to be together with Aditi again. Huh. I know doc, i understand what you are trying to say. Trust me. I know it. I know i have to move on. But i still feel that hoping that one day she will come back is the thing that keeps me alive. I miss her so much doc." , Akshay burst into tears again.

"Akshay. You have to gather yourself. Its not wrong in hoping or wishing that one day you will be together. But till that day comes, you need to move on with what life has planned for you. You have to be happy that you were able to get true love in your life. Not many are able to find that. Even though you are not together now, whatever time you had with each other was special and you both know it and you both should treasure it. And dont worry seeing the love you both have for each other, I am sure that one day will def come, that you both will be together.
But do not waste your life till that day." , Dr. Zahira smiled.

Akshay left the place, went back home. It was late.
He washed his face, looked at himself in the mirror and smiled.
He knew all along what he had to know and what he had to do. Its just that he had to hear it from someone else. He knew he had to move on. He knew that his life was always going to incomplete no matter what he did. But he was never going to give up hope of being together with Aditi one day. He will be waiting for her. One day will def come.

He smiled.
Removed his wallet. Removed Aditi's pic.
Kissed her good night and went to sleep.

Then Again...

2011-10-05T13:04:00.000+05:30

Then again... the thoughts come to their head

that dig out the wounds and the fears ahead

try as they might to make the mind to hop

the bloody tears just dont seem to stop.

Then again... they wonder why it all ended

if it had begun, why it could not be mended

lots of questions, sadly answers none

they had lost someone special, they had lost the one.

Then again... the road seems dark and lonely

They know they can tread it with their, their-only

life seems like a hole, an emptiness, a void

fighting with themselves and their thoughts to avoid

Then again... they put a brave face, an ocassional smile

But back home they cry, oh... they cry a river nile

They sink in the pain, their hearts do shrink

everytime their memories come and make them think.

Then again... they console themselves, wipes their own tears

Talk themselves out of it, to overcome their fears

They try hard to accept their destiny, their goal

But deep inside they know, their hearts will always have a hole

Then again... they wait for one another, they make a wish

long for another surprise, for fate to unleash

for their souls once again to be brought closer

only this time to bring them together forever

then again... to bring them together forever.....

Till Death Do Us Part

2011-10-01T23:30:00.000+05:30

Years have sped by, time has flown.

To forget you, that is what I had sworn.

To wipe off your memories from my heart,

To live on, knowing that we are poles apart.

But often on silent, lonely nights,

When the moon is shining bright,

Your thoughts come stealthing to my mind,

And prod other memories left far behind.

Of times we had, both good and bad

Of tears we shared and fun we had.

But what went wrong, I have no clue,

But as long as it lasted, I know it was true.

With your memories, the mood changes gears

A smile a laughter and lots of tears

Thinking about life together we had seen

Thinking about things which could have been

You have touched my life in many ways,

I try explaning but just cannot say

Have you moved on? and so should I?

Must I accept the truth, though with a sigh?

I ask to myself will this all be really over

the love we had and the memories we savour

No. comes the answer it never will be

Want to open my heart, the love for you to see

Time heals all wounds, but not this one,

The scar remains, the harm is done.

Memories are to be treasured, or so they say,

Thats why you remain in my heart

to this very day....

Yet i live in hope and I pray and wait.

For you to come back sooner than late.

A silent wish will always live in my heart

To bring us together till death do us part.

If I let you go..........

2011-09-28T22:47:00.004+05:30

Happened to find this song on a friends profile on Fb and loved it the moment i heard it. The lyrics are touching.

=========================

Day after day
Time pass away
And I just can´t get you off my mind
Nobody knows ... I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can´t find
The courage to show ...
To letting you know ...
I´ve never felt so much love before
And once again I´m thinking about
Taking the easy way out ...

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know?
If I let you go ...

Night after night
I hear myself sayin´
Why can´t this feeling just fade away?
There´s no one like you ...
You speak to my heart...
It´s such a shame we´re worlds apart ...
I´m too shy to ask ...
I´m too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I´m thinking about
Taking the easy way out ...

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me
How will I know?
If I let you go ...

Once again I´m thinking about ....
Taking the easy way out ....

==========================

Video URL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7NrQei36fJk

Re-Union

2011-09-24T19:58:00.006+05:30

I have got so many things on my mind.
So many things to tell.
So many things to share.
But i feel words would not make justice to the actual
feelings and emotions of all the people involved.
But I will be writing and i will be writing very soon.

Please be patient.
Me and all you people out there.
We shall have re-union.
and we shall have it soon. Very soon.
Trust me.

This goes out 2 all you special readers.
I just have 1 thing to say.
That love may be 4 letter word.
But it takes 3 words to say it
U dont need a 6th sense to feel it.
Coz it stays with u forever.
and sometimes waiting for it is the best thing to do.
:-)

Coming Soon......

Teri Kami ---

2011-08-09T11:31:00.003+05:30

YET another song which touched my heart the first time i heard it.
Teri Kami by Agaman...
simple lyrics but beautifully sung.....

========================================

teri nazar ka nishana hoke
firta hu me sabse begana hoke
teri ghani zulfe yeh jaane jana
uljhati he mere dil ko rozana
tere na me bhi haan lage
yun na ab tarasaa

teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan
teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan

dekha tujhe to meine yeh jana
tera mera rishta purana
teri adaye lubhati rahee gungunati rahee
mere jaan

tu bas khadi muskuratee rahee
kuch batatee nahi meri jaaan
tere na me bhi haan lage
yun na ab tarasaa
teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan
teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan

tere bina kaise jiyu me
rasta tera takti rahu ab
aaake mujhe sang leja zara
tere na me bhi haan lage
yun na ab tarasaa
teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan
teri kami he...tu kahan
tere liye hu....me yahan

==============================================

URL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwnCBI3ryZ8

Good Life - by Francis Dunnery

2011-07-23T21:48:00.002+05:30

Seldom are songs made which really touch your heart.
I was watching Scrubs, the first season where a certain Dr.Cox is checking out old pics of him and his divorced wife. The song starts playing in the background and he goes into flashback mode. His past. Recollecting all the wonderful moments, the fun they had, the marriage etc etc. and then there is smile on his face.
Then he looks up and sees his junior doctor standing at the door and says to him
"She was never boring". There was a smile on his face. But the pain in his heart was so evident. The lyrics of the song went so well with what had happened between the two. The scene touched my heart so much that i went online searched the whole song, downloaded the mp3, the lyrics.

This song deserves a place on my blog. :-)

=======================================

Softly Now,
You owe it to the world
And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and your not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a Good life
From Me
Good Life

Softer Now,
You owe it to yourself
And don't think that you will be left on the shelf
Cause there's someone for you and there's someone for me
Like me you'll meet them eventually
Here's to your lover
And here's to my wife
Here's to your children and here's to you having a good life
From Me
Good Life

Baby Baby Baby Baby
Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby

Louder Now,
You've lost all your pain
You're married with children and happy again
And now I'm regretting the move that I made
Fatal mistakes are so easily made
Enough of my problems they only cause fights
Forget that I rang you
And promise you'll have such a
Beautifully happy and painlessly romantic
Good life
From Me
Good Life

===============

URL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuRY44kD2Gk&feature=player_embedded

2011 - Here I Come

2011-01-01T12:45:00.000+05:30

============
wow...

writing here after one whole year !!
no entry for the year 2010 !! ...
its surprising that the writer in me was dead for that much time.
hmmm i wudnt say dead...maybe pre-occupied with other important things perhaps.

well....i guess i shud start writing again.
too many feelings are getting bottled up inside. have to remove them out else i will "implode" !!

But no worries....Sudz is back...

so where do i start. ok let me talk abut 2010. wat an eventful year.
full of laughter,sadness,pain,joy....ahh that that happens every year dosent it.

2010 ...this was the year i had decided to be more serious towards life.
decided to think about my future both personal and professional.

i really dont remember much of the first part of 2010.
Jan to May. things were going on normally on the professional front.
personally life was good. happy. a bits of shocks here and there but somehow things resumed to normal..

but come June... got a chance to achieve something on the professional front atleast.
worked like a donkey from June to October. never ever in my past 4-5 years of infy have i ever slogged so hard.
i guess the pressure of being a team lead got to me.
but somehow i enjoyed spending 15 hours a day in office and they say hardwork pays.
i did get the rewards for the efforts i had put in.

Needed a break which came in Nov. a full month of araam back in doha,qatar. my home.
it was a much needed break on the speed at which my life was zooming.
Got to clear up the mess inside my head on the personal front.
Was ready and not scared to make some bold decisions.

But then in Dec, things didnt go at all my way.
Sometimes in life u have to make spontaneous decisions. Coz if you choose to think too much on it, it might be too late.
The chance the opportunity just goes away. Things which seemes to be attainable suddenly seems to so distant.
Come Dec 31.
Decided not to be outside but just be with family. Just prayed to God for the next year.

HAPPPY NEW YEAR people.
2011.-- I can feel is going to be a very very eventful year for me.
I might buy a bike.
I might complete my long pending certifications.
I might get a new job, better salary.
I might get a house.
I might get married !!

Uff... big plans. Lets see how things turn up.
I never planned my life uptil now. Was letting life take me where it wanted.
But I guess there comes a point in life where you have to decide what you want from life.
That time is now.
And i guess i am ready for that.
God bless me. God bless everyone.
============

Tu Jaane Na.....

2009-11-29T05:53:00.003+05:30

I havent written anything in a very long time... dunno what wrong... i have so many thoughts in my head but somehow they are not coming out.

Well...with the current stuff going on in my head.... i happened to listen to this song...and somehow i felt i found my medicine to guide me through this night atleast. Lovely song by Atif...touched my heart str8 away...

===============================

Lyrics Song: Tu Jaane Na

Kaise Batayein,Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,Yaara bata na Paaye
Baatein dil o ki, Dekho Jo Baaki, Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye
Tu Jaane Na, Tu Jaane Na,Tu Jaane Na, Tu Jaane Na

mil ke bhi, Hum na Mile,tumse na jaane Kyu,

Milo ke hai Fansle..Tumse Na jaane kyu,

Anjaane Hai SilSile,Tum Se Na Jaane Kyu,

Sapno hai Palko Tale,Tum Se Na Jaane Kyu,

Nigahon mein dekho, jo hai bas gaya,woh hai milta tumse, hu ba hu..
Jaane teri Aankhein thi, ya baatein thi,Wajah.. hue tum jo,dil ki aarzoo
hum pass ho ke bhi,tum aas ho ke bhi,ehsaas ho ke bhi…apne nahi..

aise hai hum ko gileh..tumse najaane kyu..
meelo ke hai fansletum se na jaane kyu..

tu jaane na..tu jaane na..tu jaane na..ohhjaane na.

jaane na, jaane na tu jaane na..

Khyalon mein laakohn baatein,yu toh keh gaya,bola kuch na tere sahmney..
hue na begaane bhi tum hoke,aur dekho tum mere hi na bane..

afsos hota hai,dil bhi yeh rota hai...Sapne sanjota hoa..pagla hua,

soche yeh..hum the mile tume se na jaane kyu,
meelo ke hai fansle tum se na jaane kyu..

anjaane hai silsile,tumse najaane kyu,

sapne hai palko tale,tumse najaane kyu..

Kaise Batayein,Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,Yaara bata na Paaye
Baatein dil o ki,Dekho Jo Baaki,Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye
Tu Jaane Na,Tu Jaane Na.................

Homecoming..... : The ping-pong drink :

2009-10-21T11:32:00.004+05:30

Oct 20 2009

I went to the local supermarket with dad ....aptly called the INDIAN SUPERMARKET.... This was one stop where we used to get the vegetables from. Although there were many other things available there, when it came to buying the veggies...mom loved this one place. And here i was again today. While just loitering around i suddenly came across a whole crate of cans kept stacked on each other and i just happened to have glanced across them and there it was SHANI. Oh how I missed this drink. Lots of memories attached to this one as well. Without giving second thought i bought it.

When i opened the can and took that first sip inside my mouth......aaaaahaaaa...that taste.....that sweetness ...i closed my eyes and it took me back to the past...

===========

I must have been in the 6th std. I had joined the Table-tennis coaching classes after school hours. I remember I and my neighbour and friend Nitin, we used to go to learn and play ping pong together. I was not much into sports as a kid. But then when I used to see other kids or my seniors play and perform...I used to feel....Oh..I wish I could do that....Oh...someday I wish i could. Well the only reason I joined the TT classes was to make an attempt towards that goal. I was just amazed by the way those guys used to hit that small little ping pong ball so hard and yet everytime it used to somehow find its way on to that table. I used to love the way that ball used to swirl in the air and spin on the table. And i wanted to learn all that. Hence one day...I go to my dad and say...."Dad...I wana join TT coaching. Nitin is joining too." And dad looks up at me in a very diff way with a bit of a shock. I am sure he was thinking and wanted to ask me " are you sure son?" ....hehe....but he didnt. He said "Ok". So there I was, my first day at the coaching, holding my new TT bat in my hand, waiting for my turn to hit that ball and boy-o-boy i really had fun. That evening Nitin's dad came to take us home. We were all sweaty and tired and exhausted and I really needed something cool to drink. A pepsi or a mirinda could do coz that was all i loved that time. But then there sitting in the back seat of his car, Nitin removed 2 cans of some strange drink I had never seen in my 6 years till then and handed one can to me. I held the chilled drink in my hand and saw the name SHAANI and i wondered "..hmmm...how will this taste." I was always reluctant to change so i refused it at first and asked Nitin, "dont you have pepsi?". And he said "no....but try this...its nice." I had no choice, I was thirsty and i really needed something to drink. So there it was ....my first ever sip of SHANI. The moment I sipped that drink on my tounge and down my throat and savoured that taste, i knew this one was going to be a regular for a long time to come. And it was.

I went for a month to learn and play TT and every single time, while coming back home, I had a can of SHANI. Every single time. Ofcourse later too whenever we used to go out shopping, I used to buy that drink and another good thing then, my bro didnt like it much....so I could have the whole drink for myself and nothing to share...hehehhahha... I later took part in various TT tournaments and I made sure I used to drink that before and after my game. SHANI to me what spinach was to Popeye. hehe... I won some of them ...I came to the finals and lost some of them....But one thing was there, i had achieved what i had set out for. I could swing that ball in the air and spin it on the table anytime now. TT became one of the sports where I could say I was and still am good at. And Shaani had a part in this achievement of mine. hehe.. I love SHANI...

===========

And here I was back home after 7 years and drinking that same drink and enjoying it in the same way i had enjoyed it the first time I had tasted it.
Now how nostalgic is that.

Homecoming.... :The arrival:

2009-10-16T14:09:00.004+05:30

Oct 15th 2009
The pilot spoke "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to land at Doha International Airport. Please fasten your seat belts."I peeped out of my window, there it was the land I grew up, the land where I spent my whole childhood, the land where I spent 12 years of my life, the land which laid the foundation to what I am today. And I am returning to that land after 7 whole years.

The time was about 5:30pm there.As the plane hovered closer to the groud I could see the seaface ( called the corniche ) , building, roads and most predominantly...sand. Oh I missed this sand. The plane had landed 15min early. Luckily, I got through the customs and security check quickly and got my baggage too in no time. I came out of the airport hoping to see mom, dad, bro but no one was there...yet.A couple of minutes later, saw dad and bro walking up towards me. A few tight hugs and broad smiles were exchanged as we made our way to the parking lot. While walking they suddenly turned towards a light-greenish blue car. For a moment I wondered why
were they doing that......coz i was expecting our nice and old Mistubishi tradea (light blue ) to be there. But then it had slipped off my mind that we had got a new car and this was the 1st time i was seeing it. Wow...Amazing...Nissan Sunny. As I was admiring the car, I suddenly realised that there was someone sitting inside in the front seat. At first I didnt recognise her. The creamish colored salwaar and the few white hair on her head, Mom was there smiling. I opened the door and hugged her while dad and bro put my luggage in the car.

My family ....for the first time in 7 years we were together here in Qatar in our new car. As dad drove towards the house, with me looking outside like a small kid who was seeing something amazing, bro kept askeing me..."do u remember this....do u remember that".....and I trying to wake up those dead cells of my brain which had saved all the info about the streets and
roads and buildings and people of qatar. I was sadly unable to remember most of it. Qatar had changed. Many new bulidings, more cars on the road, people driving on the roads at speeds above 80. same was the speed at which our car was going. As we reached the streets near our area, thats when I started to recollect where we were. The roads, streets and buildings around
my house were the only familiar things. As dad drove the car towards the parking lot and I saw the same old building. The same building I spent my 1st std to the 12th std.

We got down from the car and dad opened the door. The same arabian style door handle. And there it was my home. Dad mom and bro walked in. I entered last. slowly and steadily looking aroud. Old memories coming back with each and every little thing I was seeing around me. Mannn that feeeeeling can never be described to anyone. It can only be felt. As I made my way to the hall, the sofa, the Tv, the curtains, the showcase which had my medals, my cups, my momentos. The carpet below , the chandilier , and there were the 3 most closest people of my life standing and watching me getting amazed by all this. I needed a hug and I got a group hug. My tears had to escape from the eyes. And this was just the hall.

We then moved to my room. The same white cupboard which I had decorated with stickers all over. The same study table. The same little place where we kept the Gods. There were a few new things/sofas/pc and stuff but apart from that everything else was just the same.I opened the drawers of my study table. And saw the same old pencil-boxes, the same pens, found my school diary, some books with Sudhanshu Std VII written on them. Then I found something really close to my heart. Something which I was really proud about. My school badge. "Asst. HEAD BOY" written on it. We moved to the other rooms, the kitchen, the store room ( where I ended up seeing my old toys, games, deflated football, my old cycle etc etc etc...etc ).

I went to the bathroom. The same mirror hanging at the same height on the wall above the basin. I stood in front of it.There was a time when I couldnt see myself in the mirror, so I used to take a small little stool and climb on it to see. Well I couldnt see my self this time too, I had to bend myself to see. Mann.... Time has gone so fast.

We had dinner , a nice family talk and I went to sleep early. It was only 9:15 pm there but thats 11:45 pm IST and I was tired.

NUMB ----

2009-09-18T14:28:00.001+05:30

what an amazing song...for what I am feeling right now......

=======================================

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

_--Linkin park..

==================================

The Break Up

2009-08-30T05:52:00.005+05:30

Her name is Meera. Today she said it. She said something which was a fact which both of us knew but were finding it hard to face it. A fact which we knew would show its ugly face in front of us someday in the future.

"What are we going to do Abdul?", she started. I looked at her wondering where this is headed even though in the back of my head there was this lurking doubt about what its gonna be.

"Will our parents agree for this?", she continued.
"We know our parents will never agree for this. Should we stop all this...... thinking that the future seems dark or continue living the present which is full of happiness", she smiled. I wondered why she smiled. I could see her pain in that smile, but was I wrong?. No....I couldnt be....not after 3 years of a relationship......Or could I ?

I snapped out of going into a deadlock situation in the head and asked" So...what are you trying to say" in a blunt and to the face style question.

"See AB...(she called me by that name)...We fell in love without considering the fact that we are from different religion. Its been 3 years 2 months and ...7hours since it all started" . She said looking in her watch and smiling. Again that smile. Why was she smiling. It put me in a state of confusion again.

"We just went with the flow. We loved each other. We still do. Whenever thoughts about the future used to haunt us....we brushed them away......why?....coz we were so damn happy in the present...We tried convincing our parents but we know what their reply is going to be....We knew it right from the start but yet we continued......why...?.......all for the sake of the present. Its so lovely. You have given me so much love that I do not think anyone else can give me ever. But now ....as our present is slowly moving towards that future we both were scared to face....we have to realise that utlimately fate decides everything. I....i mean.......We....
AB....hope u understand what i am saying.", she looked at me with those big round eyes, those same eyes who i fell in love with.

"No....." i replied bluntly, expressionless trying to figure out what is happening here. She looked at me with a "how can i make you understand this" look.

"Are you trying to breakup? Do you want to end all this?" I asked her without showing any sign of the pain I was feeling inside.

"No....No..AB ...nothing like that" , she replied trying to persuade me to believe her. Or maybe realising that I was feeling the pain.

Three years in a relationship, we tend to understand whats going on in the other person's mind as well as heart. Maybe I was still learning how to understand her's while she could read mine easily.

"Then...?" was my next question.

"See...AB.....We are so happy with each other arent we....We have a present so very beautiful....Why cant we enjoy it till it lasts rather than wasting it away."..she replied.

"Way...way..wait..."I replied interuptting her...confused."A few minutes before you were saying something else.

"See. AB....listen all I am saying is that we both know that we can never be in the future together. So why not stay happy in the present and enjoy every moment till it lasts ......till one day we might have to get separated...Separation in any way....I mean what if I have an accident or something in the next 2 months.....so isnt it better to live those 2 months full of happiness than breaking up now?", she replied.

Finally she said the word. Breakup. But what was she really trying to say. I am confused. She was confusing me even more.

"Meera...Meera.....Meera.....Let me get this straight. You are trying to say that we continue being like this....enjoying the present .......till one day you or me get married to someone else whom our parents choose for us?" , I asked trying to put this in a simple sentence.

"Yes..." she replies stressing on the s.

"Oh..Hmmm...." I replied wondering where that leaves me.

"I know ...AB...it will be very painful. For both of us....But then its a fact....we have to face", she replied putting the finishing touches.

I knew in the back of my head that what she was saying was infact right.
...that this was going to be tough. Being of different religions and falling in love always had a murky future. I knew that one day either or both of the parents were going to oppose our relationship and that we would have to separated in a ugly and painful ...very painful way. I knew that what we had was so very beautiful. But the thing that Meera herself gathered so much courage and was telling me something ....which infact both of us knew .....was making me feel all the more terrible.

On one hand I feel as if I am being used and also I am using myself for the thing so called a very happy present. There seems to be a bit of selfishnes in both of us not to give up something we have so easily. On the other hand I was feeling......"hey its ok....this is life....accept it."

On one hand I was feeling angry, terrible and sad all at the same time.
On the other hand I was feeling whatever she is saying is right.

On one hand I was feeling why cant we go against fate or destiny which is written and write our own.
On the other hand all my strength was draining away knowing where my limitations are and which boundaries I could not cross.

Its like having something with you so close but knowing that it would be taken away one day. And then leaving you to think....now what....fight or surrender to fate.

I closed my eyes.
I just couldnt imagine Meera with someone else. My whole body used to fill with anger on that vision. Then a feeling of sadness engulfed me. I felt heartbroken already even though she was right there sitting in front of me.
Where is this going. Where are we headed. Whats going to happen.
Should we try to alter what is written. Or maybe its written that- we should write it on our own. Still feeling so confused, I looked up at her.
She was not smiling anymore.
Why was she not smiling anymore. Did she see the tear in my eye.

"Ab.....what happened dear....I know I cannot live without you....I know there is no life for each other without us. But then we have to face the future one day....OK...listen just forget everything I said...Lets not be sad wondering what going to happen and all......lets go with the flow."
She took her hand in mine. fingers interlocked.

Perhaps that was the best thing to do. To wait. Wait for that future to come. We cannot decide NOW...what is going to happen to us in the future. Hence let future come and show itself to us. Maybe we would still have a happy ending. Maybe we may not. But then that is life. We have to live with it. I tried to console myself with these thoughts still having that dreaded feeling of the immense pain I would be facing incase things dont work out our way. But then I have to be strong. Atleast for now.

"I love you and I always will no matter what happens", she said honestly.
"I love you too." , I replied smiling.

the time is NOW....

2009-06-07T10:43:00.003+05:30

......its the time when all one needs is a little space of their own. when words cannot find a way out from the screwed up head. the words are jumbled up, tangled up.
its the time when there is too much love, that even a little misunderstanding can end it all together. when hanging out with ones enemies seems like paradise.
its the time when sin becomes a part of ones life even though one know its wrong. when you are trying too hard to forget the past.
its the time when the whole world seems like heaven and hell at the same time. when life dosent seem to have any meaning and keeps dragging and dragging itself.
its the time when you wanna live for the present. To hell with the past and the future. when the one you always thought about makes you dont wana think anymore about anything.
its the time when you experience all emotions.....all at one time. when you feel life is to be wasted away by enjoying it to the fullest.
its the time when you can keep doing a same thing again and again and get bored and yet you keep enjoying that boredom. when trying something new is the need of the hour.
its the time when love leads to hate and hate to love......a vicious cirlce. when all you wana do it keep your mind blank and keep erasing old and fresh memories .
its the time when evil prevails over the good. But we still love it. when there is no purpose , no boundaries, no worries, no responsibilties, no questions, no answers, no explanations, no .............no nothing.

the time is NOW.

Ankhon ka hai dhokha, Aisa tera pyaar

2009-06-07T07:21:00.008+05:30

Bharpa jo ek shor hai,
Pukhta hai purzorr hai,
Rag rag jalte iske sarmaye…

Kal mera bebaaak tha,
Aaj magar kamzor hai..
Khud se ankhein hi na mil payein.

Aankhon ke aage jo hai,
Manzar lava barsaaye…
Jalta hai dil jalta hai…
Til til main jalta hoon…

Is lamhe ki haqeeqat..
Gawaara na kar paaye…
Jalta hai dil…
Til til main jalta hoon…

Hat ja re hat jaa,
pare hat ja re nazron se,
pare Hat ja re hat jaa re,
pare hat jaa re..arrey jaa re…

Mere lavss ke haar jaise,
hain yaadon mein chubte jaise..
Aasoon mere behte rehte..
Khoon ke…khoon ke…khoon ke.......

Ankhon ka hai dhokha, Aisa tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachaar!!!
Ankhon ka hai dhokha,Aisa tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachaar!!!

- Emosanal Attyachaar ( ROCK version)

How easily....

2009-05-26T17:59:00.007+05:30

how easily people come into our life,
and how easily they leave,
how easily some become friends,
and some of them enemies.

how easily people fall in love,
and how easily they become happy,
how easily they trust someone,
and get betrayed by many.

how easily a heart beats for someone,
and how easily it breaks,
how easily someone calls you your own,
and later throws you away.

how easily you tread on a journey,
and end up loosing the way,
how easily you find your aim,
and then end up loosing the game.

how easily you try to pick up the roses,
and end up with thorns all the time,
how easily you keep waiting for that someone ,
and keep loosing yourself all the time.

Wish everything was not so easy,
wish everything was very tough,
when a lot of time would have been spent on everything,
the lesser it would have hurt.

.................THE CARD................

2009-04-28T13:00:00.004+05:30

It was just another day at office. The stress levels didnt seem to surge. Mr.Kanvinde was doing it again. He thinks he can live longer by putting us under the hammer. Cant blame him though. Its just the whole corporate world thing. I needed a break, badly. "Kanvinde sir." I said. "Yes", he replied in the same grouchy old way. "I want a leave of 5 days, sir." I almost whispered. He looked at me shocked , surprised as if I had said something I was not supposed to say, as if I had commited a crime, a sin, a deadly one for that matter. "What for?" he said. "I have shared my folders with Karan. He should be able to handle while I am away. The TL has agreed too." WHAT FOR???,MR.DASGUPTA", he almost shouted. "My sister is getting married." I dont know how but the sentence just slipped through. He was not at all convinced. But i used my acting skills to overpower that monster. Its true that whatever we learn in school comes handy throughout life.

I, Raj Dasgupta had a record in school for taking part and winning in drama competitions for 10 consecutive years. I was a born actor but somehow landed up doing a software job. Maybe I would have fared better in that field. I rushed to the room started packing. I was going home.
It was raining as usual at Kalapur. It was a small town, hardly 1000 people populating it. No one was as succesful as I was. No one had gone to Calcutta for higher studies. I was famous in my town. By the time I rang the door bell, I was drenched up. "Monta,", my mother came with a towel in her hand, trying to reach my head." Dry up fast..you will catch a cold". I never grew up for my mother. Maybe its a case with everyone. I wondered how my other name Monta came into being considering Raj was my name. I mean a mere Raju was the obvious pet name but then there it was--- Monta!!! . It felt good though.

The next few days were full of hustle bustle, relatives pouring in from all over just to see me. They say success is a relative term.....well it does bring in many relatives. How true it was. It felt good at first but then my nerves were snapping up. I caught up with my school friends and also with Bhagwandas' store. This was the place where we used to hang out after school. We used to buy chana and chocolates here. The school was fun. Everytime I hear the song, The summer of 69. , I get reminded of my school days.'Those were the best days of my life!!!'. Quite true for everybody I guess. Getting nostalgic about my school days, something struck me. I rushed home straight to the basement. It was dark, not opened for many many years. the only source of illumination was a small crack through which a small ray of light was trespassing. I found what I was looking for. There on top of an old cupboard laden with dust was that box, my treaure. It was where I kept all my secrets throughout my school life. Nobody knew about it. I lifted it up and brought it closer to that crack for some kind of visibility. Blowing of the dust, I opened it. A squeeking sound ripped my ear but the sight inside was beautiful. Some broken pencils, leaking pens and some exam papers with gold, silver stars on it. Then there was a picture and a card, both decaying from all sides. It was that of me and Paul. It had been years since I last saw him. I started to recollect those good old days.

Paul was from Goa . His dad worked with the Hindustan Bank. So he had to travel after every 2 years or so. We spent exactly 2 years together and man we were best buddies. We used to go to school together, eat our lunch together, play together, walk home together, do homework together. I used to spend more time at his home than mine. He was the only son and his parents treated me as one of their own. But then he had to go. We went and brought 2 same cards. One for each and promised that when we meet again we get them along. I remember I cried a lot that day and the next and next. It was painful. But then within a month it was all over. His memories wiped out from my head. It had been 14 years. Wonder what he must be doing now. I opened the card. It had his writing..couldnt make out exactly what was written but could guess it was an address. I noted it down. I couldnt sleep that night. Memories of Paul were calling me. I felt this desparate urge to meet him. I had to go as soon as possible. I wouldnt be getting holidays for atleast sometime now. I left the next day leaving mother sad.

It was the first time I had been to Goa. It was beautiful. Asking people for directions I somehow managed to reach the place. In front of me stood an old bungalow. I opened the gate and went inside. Knocked about four times, yet no one answered. I tried once more. The door slowly opened. "Hello" I said. An old wrinkled face stared at me. It was his mom, I recognised the eyes. "Who are you and what do you want?"came the reply. "Auntie, I am Raj...from Kalapur...I am a friend of Paul.". She kept staring at me for some time. Didnt seem to recognise me I guess." Raj... Raj Dasgupta!!!"., she replied." "Yes". No sooner I said those words she started crying letting me in. Sipping hot coffee I waited for her to calm down. On the shelf I saw the family photo, and a photo similar to the one I had all framed up. "Where's Paul" I enquired impatiently. She started crying again, this time louder. Then she spoke."Paul died 2 years ago. Met with an accident."she said still weeping. I was shocked, numbed, was not able to think. She kept on talking. I couldnt hear. I was loosing ground. My tears glands seemed to be activated after many many years. She got up and gave me a packet. I opened it. Inside was a card. I left.

Sometimes in life we tend to forget the ones who are very close to us and who mean a lot to us. I decided to contact all my friends that day and keep in touch. God has given us this life, with friends to guide us through. Friendship is everything ,appreciate it before its too late.

Doubting Happiness

2009-03-20T11:48:00.004+05:30

Sometimes, life dosent give you what you want.You like or love something or someone but you dont get it. Then you begin to doubt yourself. You feel something is wrong with you. Then you begin to crib about what is written for you....about whats your destiny. You feel you are trapped in a long and dark tunnel which never seems to end.

Then one day, something happens.You see a ray of light at the end. You feel a sudden and extreme amount of happiness at one time, that you are not able to cope up with it. Sometimes you are not able to believe it. You feel happy. Everyone around you feel happy. Everything seems to be going just right.

But then again something happens. You start doubting again about the duration of this new found happiness. When someone else tries to take it away from you. You not only feel insecure, but also sometimes get scared....very scared. You get scared about facing the fact that the dark tunnel might begin again. In that feeling, you sometimes being to doubt the authenticity of the happiness.You forget that its better to enjoy the hapiness while it lasts than to keep doubting about it. You may not know how long it will last. Happiness is knowing that somewhere there is someone who only cares for you,someone who will pick you up when you fall, someone who only knows you, and who will hold you when you cry and embrace you when you smile, Happiness is when you know that person is just for you.. In the future, it may or maynot be there with you.
But till whatever time it lasts, you need to make happy memories out of it. Then you can value the true feeling of happiness.

The world without you...

2009-03-12T10:20:00.004+05:30

I lie awake on the bed all night.
Thinking about you now out of my sight
Have lost my senses, dunno if this is right.
The world without you seems to be lonely all the time.

The warmth of your hug is all i miss
the smell of your hair, i long for that kiss.
When i just hold your hand, i feel enternal bliss.
The world without you seems to be lonely all the time.

When we walk hand in hand, the road never ends.
Time just stops and in it happiness just blends.
A warm feeling your look always sends.
The world without you seems to be lonely all the time.

I know I have made mistakes and may make even more
but please remember its you and only you I adore
My love for you cannot be described by words galore.
The world without you seems to be lonely all the time.

No matter what happens in the future my dear,
whether you go far away or your are near,
In my heart, yes..you will always be here,
The world without you seems to be lonely all the time.

Amor Fati Memoirs

2008-12-28T17:27:00.011+05:30

"Have you ever been in love grandpa", Nikhil asked. The grandfather was perplexed at such a question coming from a 19 year old, just like that, out of no where.
"Yes...with your grandmother", he replied. "But now she is no more."
"No...No.. I mean before you got married. Before grandma came into the picture. Was there anyone else you loved?", Nikhil asked again.

Grandpa was silent for a while. It was as if he had to walk all the way down memory lane to come up with an answer. 76 years is a long life he had already lived. He had seen so much. He had met so many people. So many things to remember. His life had become like a book. Each and every moment was like a page. And he had so many pages. It was as if he had to flip over through his book of life trying to find that page, that very special page. And he found it, rather quicker than he himself expected.

"Grandpa??....Grandpa..", Nikhil said shaking him up.
"Haan...yes.", he replied."Yes, I was in love", he replied silently.
"Tell me...tell me more....I would love to hear", Nikhil replied with full enthusiasm.
"It was a long time ago. I must be around your age. Maybe older than you. We met by chance. We..." "What was her name?", Nikhil interupted. "Devika", Grandpa replied after a pause and a breath taken.
"Nice name...", replied Nikhil.

"Thats what I had told her once", grandpa continued.

"We connected instantly. It was as if destiny had planned it all up. I was at the bus stop, and she was new to the place. It was she who enquired to me about a place where she had to go. Luckily, I had to go to the same destination. We got talking waiting for the bus. We talked in the bus..and then talked quiet a lot after that.", Grandpa said smiling.
"When did you propose? Did she love you back?", Nikhil enquired.
Grandpa fell silent but spoke slowly. "She loved me. Very much.", he replied quietly.
Noticing, grandpa go into a different mood, Nikhil put his hand on his shoulders and said."And you, grandpa...did you?"
Grandpa was quiet. Nikhil saw his eyes getting moist."Yes..", he replied. "I loved her too".
"What happened?", Nikhil enquired.

"I...We...We did not realise when we started getting attracted towards each other. As they say, love just happens. And so it did, with us. I still remember the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed. Oh...Nikhil....It was special, very special...it was my first and her too...and it was mutual and unexpected." Nikhil saw a smile on his face and a tear escape the clutches of his eye too, both at the same time.
"She was a good girl. She had proposed to me. I knew it would be coming. But I guess I was not ready for a relationship at that stage. Or maybe I was. But i was not ready to be committed so soon. You know many guys have this problem. I did too. She wanted commitment too early in the relationship. I couldnt give it to her. We used to have constant fights over this."

Nikhil saw grandpa staring at the empty space in front of him, as if trying to recollect the days. A little while later, he spoke.

"Many days passed like this, until one day she informed me that she might have to leave town as her dad had got a transfer. It was then I realised that someone who was so close to me was being taken away. Someone I shared so much with, someone who loved me, someone who cared for me. The person, without whom a day would not pass, was being snatched away from me by destiny. The same destiny who had planned it up to make us meet. I felt a pain in my heart. I could feel a sense of emptiness already seeping in, just thinking not being with her. I felt complete with her. It was then I realised that I was in love with her."

Nikhil listened with full concentration. Grandpa was able to recollect so much even after so many years. Devika seemed to be really someone special.

"I went straight to buy her a ring. Not a fancy one. but a simple one. Didnt have much money then. I was going to propose to her before she could leave me. I was so happy on that day ...until...", Grandpa stopped silent.
The silence was taking a longer time than usual this time. Nikhil had to interupt to break it.

"Until....??", Nikhil enquired.
"...until that phone call. She called me up when I was just getting out of the shop with the ring. She said she wanted to meet me and tell me something urgent. I said the same thing to her. We met in the park. I still remember she was wearing blue. Her favourite color and mine too. She looked so pretty. It was the last time I saw her. That was my last vision of her. We never met after that."

Nikhil wanted to know more about what exactly happened. But seeing the moist eyes of his grandpa, he chose to remain silent. Grandpa sensed that. He understood what Nikhil was thinking and what he wanted to hear. Hence, he continued.

"I made a mistake that day. I let her speak first. She said that she was not very sure where our relationship was heading and that her dad's transfer was a sign to end it. She said she was tired of me keeping her in a dilemna and that she was always waiting for answers from me to her questions. She said that I never understood her. She said....", Grandpa stopped.

Another tear fell down.
"...She said a lot of things...But it was not like that. It was just that sometimes when you love someone so much, its just tough to say it out. And many guys have this problem of expressing their love as easily as girls do. I was no different. But then she said that having loved me was the biggest mistake she ever did. I know she didnt mean it. But she said it. And it hurt then and it is still hurting now. My wounds have once again opened up.", grandpa stopped.

Nikhil was speechless. "Why didnt you tell her then that you loved her too. And what about the ring?", Nikhil asked.

"I couldnt speak anything after that. I just didnt remove the ring out from my pocket. She said what she had to say. It was as if she had thought hard and long about what she was going to tell me that day. It was a fully prepared and planned visit. And she didnt want to look back from that day onwards. She wanted a new beginning ...a new life. She said Goodbye to me and walked off without looking back. I am sure she must have cried. I hope she did. She left me on the bench alone. I stayed there throughout the night just recollecting each and every moment I spent with her. I just sat there cursing destiny of playing with my life. But then, what happened was meant to happen.", Grandpa continued.

"She got married off in a couple of years. I came to know from a common friend. I concentrated on my career, trying hard to forget her and keep looking ahead, which I did. Then I married your grandma, then your dad happend, then you happened!", Grandpa ended with a light smile.
Nikhil returned it back.

"Is she still alive?", Nikhil enquired.
"I do not know. She had moved out of India, that was the last I heard about her. Maybe she is. Maybe not. I am not sure.", Grandpa replied.

"Why dont you try searching for her and telling her what you had planned to do that day?",
Nikhil said. Grandpa smiled.

"Will it change anything? Will it bring back all these years.", he replied.
"No...maybe not. But dont you think she should know it", Nikhil counter questioned.
"She will know it. I will tell her.", Grandpa replied with a sly smile leaving Nikhil confused.

===========================================

That night, before he went to sleep, grandpa opened his casket and removed a book, a diary and a small little box. It was a diary filled with her memories. A diary where each and every day spent with her was recorded. A diary where each and every moment captured. The happy times, the sad times, the movies they saw, their trips, their fights.......it contained everything. It also
contained all those things which he wanted to tell her, but couldnt. He flipped through the pages to the last written page. The page which ended it all. He removed a pen and started writing.

"Dear Devika,

Today, after these many years, I am writing to you all because of Nikhil, my grandson. I just wanted to say that ....that...I loved you. I loved you very much. Its just that I was not able to say it at the time you wanted to hear it. And unfortunately, when I decided to
say it, you did not want to hear it. Life can be cruel at times. But then whatever was meant to happen, happened. I accept what destiny had planned for me. I also thank it for making me meet the one I truly truly loved more than anything else and will always will ...till whatever life is left. If I ever get that day back, I will not let you speak first. You will always be special to me Devika. I love you. Will you promise to be with me in our next life."

He kept the pen down. And opened the small box. He removed the ring and then kept it on the book and went to sleep for one last time. The shadow of the ring on the book said all he had to say.

Tonight I wanna cry...

2008-12-27T19:35:00.005+05:30

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
All By Myself, would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
==========================================
A beautiful one....by Keith Urban ....
Tonight I wanna cry.
URL : http://www.dizzler.com/music/Keith_Urban

KLATPARC <---

2008-12-21T19:41:00.006+05:30

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the people whom I want to be there close to me always tend to go away. I do not know whether its a plan made by the heavens to hurt me or just pure and plain DESTINY. Whatever the reason, it always happens. It has been happening since the time I started realising the importance of having people in my life. I dont know how to react now-a-days. Maybe I am getting used to it nowadays. Accepting whatever comes my way. Not fighting for it. Well, I have been doing it all this while. So nothing has changed, but infact everything has changed. Whatever.

Or maybe...I guess I am tired of being good anymore. I am tired of being in this trance of living life as if its just one big dream and that everything is going to be OK. I am tired of just dragging along in the hands of destiny. I am tired of being used as a source of temporary happiness by others who may be infact using many others for the same reason. I am tired of waking up everyday thinking of what I would be doing today, thinking of how the day would go, thinking if there is someone out there who would be thinking of me. I am tired of being in a state of imbalance, a state where I have to fake happiness for the sake of others. I am tired of putting that smile on my face when I do not want to actually smile. Am i being too demanding? All I need is a sense of wantedness. A feeling of importance to somebody or something, a situation perhaps. Its not that I dont care. Or I didnt care. Its not that I didnt show or made them realise how much I need them. But unfortunately my words always seem to fall on deaf ears. I am tired of showing people how important they are to me and getting nothing in return. I am tired of them helding out their hand to me and then when I go to hold it, backing away. People just dont seem to care. They use and they throw whenever they feel like. Bas aisehi. I am tired of them showing me acceptance at one stage and then refusal just like that at some other stage. I have realised that the state of temporary acceptance, though may bring that smile on my face for sometime, is infact very deceptive. I have lost its importance these days. Its high time....Its high time to give it back. Its high time to make people realise that they cannot just treat me as if they own me. Its high time to make them realise that I have a life of my own and that they are not the only thing I need to survive. Its high time to realise the fact that to persist in the face of continual rejection requires a deep love of the self. If people hurt you, its high time to start hurting back. But then, that wont leave much difference between them and me. But you know what.....I dont care.
What the f%$#. Have i lost it?

life is such...

2008-12-10T03:10:00.007+05:30

Life can be very funny sometimes. We try to live it the way we want to yet sometimes we have to surrender to it. Some people walk ahead, holding the hand of life which follows them. Some other let life walk ahead and hold its hand and quietly follow it from behind. The choices are left to the individuals. Choices have to be made with two factors. The mind and the heart. They can never work together. Its always one at a time.

Sometimes... the mind and the heart are in a constant fight. The fight for what is wrong and what is right. We tend to do things which we dont intend do, things which we don't plan to. Well, maybe we want to some things, but never thought that we could do them or get a chance to do them. Sometimes, we just loose self control and just go with the flow. And before we know it, We let our heart take over the mind. Things just happen. Sometimes for a reason. Many times without one. And we tend to enjoy that period of being taken over. That period of surrendering to the heart. But the mind is more stronger than the heart. It strikes back and then we rethink over things or the actions done by the heart and start to analyse them. We sometimes regret over the things done. And at other times are happy that it happened.

Sometimes We have so much to say, but are unable to say it thinking of loosing on the way.We can speak so many words just by being silent. And at other times, we can say nothing by speaking so much. But then its better to just say it before its too late. There is a quote: the bitterst tears slide over graves for words unsaid and deeds undone. Life gives you opportunities sometimes. Other times you have to make your own.
At times, life can be so very cruel. We grow older filled with regrets for things not done.... For words not said....for love not expressed. Life is too short and too fragile. It needs to be handled with care. We need to live it and do things that make us happy.
Life can be very confusing.

But then life is such.

When You Find yourself...

2008-11-12T19:25:00.005+05:30

I know some might say that animated movies are for kids ! but hey I dont care . I love all types of movies. Infact ... animated movies have a different flair all together. I mean the whole concept of putting life into something non-living and how !! ,,, its just fascinates me. ..this whole animation thing! ...And disney's Pixar Animation Studios absolutely rock in this effort. Saw two animated movie recently. CARS and WALL-E. Both were amazing, the latter being the slightly better one of the two, in terms of story perhaps. But when it came to animation , both rocked.

There was a song composed for this movie, sung by Brad Paisley. When you find yourself. The lyrics depicting the journey of this race car who finds himself stuck in the most unlikey town at the unlikely time. The song is a melodius number but what was more attractive were the lyrics....which I feel many of us "living" beings can easily relate to. You can find the vdo/movie anywhere on the net. Below are the lyrics.

---------------------

When you find yourself in some far off place
and it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself...

When you make new friends in a brand new town
and you start to think about settling down
The things that would have been lost on you
are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself

Well you go through life
so sure of where you're heading
And you wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
because you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself.

When you meet the one, that you've been waiting for
and she's everything, that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for someone else
And then you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself

Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
Because you find yourself,
Yeah thats when you find yourself.

....Nothing makes sense....

2008-11-12T19:06:00.006+05:30

He looks at her picture one last time,
As if having loved her was such a crime.
She is smiling, while he cries in pain.
This cant happen, this is insane.

He tears it apart, then joins the pieces.
Burns them up and then eats the ashes.
His strengths all gone yet again, oh no.
His bags are packed, he's ready to go.

To travel far and to travel wide
To some far off place where one does not reside
To make way for all the memories to clear
the ones that were ugly and the ones that were dear.

But he does not succeed in his mission
The past haunts him and puts him in submission.
The harder he tries, for her thoughts to erase
The stronger they come back, he's stuck in a maze.

He sees her everywhere, with every other blink.
In the air he breathes, in the wine he drinks.
He longs for someone to help him now
Someone to end his life, or to show him how.

But alas for him, there is no one around
A pin drop silence, not a word nor a sound.
For the better or worse, he is all by himself
But he has to do, do what he intends for self

He shatters the glass hard on the ground.
Picks up a piece, the first one he found.
He takes a deep breath and then thinks no more
He cuts his wrist, the hand goes sore.

He closes his eyes, and sees a vision
He relives his life, till this decision.
The tears dont stop rolling, the world seems dull
The time has gone silent, the moment seems lull

Mixed emotions are running through his veins
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing makes sense
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing makes sense
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing .........

Sleeping With The Light On

2008-10-25T21:41:00.004+05:30

Here's a song by the band BUSTED. ---> Sleeping with the lights on.

The vdo aint that gr8.....but the lyrics are good...in parts....

And the timing, the date couldnt have been more perfect !!

====================================

Along she came, with her picture,

Put it in a frame, so I won't miss her,

Got on a plane, from London; Heathrow,

It seems such a shame, yea..

[Chorus:]

I feel her. Slipping through my fingers,<

Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,

And shocks went through my veins now, that she's gone,

I'm sleeping with the light on

Heard she's engaged, spoke to her best friend,<

No ones to blame, here's where it all ends,<

And I feel the pain, 'cause I'm without her,<

I feel the pain.<

I see the sight, with a different light,

Words cannot describe the way I'm feeling,<

'Cause I've been searching in my head,

For the words I thought she'd said,

For too long.

URL :
http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/sleeping+with+the+lights+on/video/x2v4p1_busted-sleeping-with-the-light-on_music

I cant seem to find the switch to turn of the lights !!

I really do....

2008-10-23T11:38:00.016+05:30

"Rajiv ....Dinner's ready!!", Mrs. Mane shouted from the dining room.
"Rajiv.....RAJIV....", she repeated a few moments later. Not getting any response from her son, he strolled towards the study.

"Raaaaaajiv !!! ....OH MY GOD.....RAAAJ.. ", she shouted as she saw her son on the floor...still. Minutes later at the hospital.

"What is it doctor?", Mrs. Mane asked with a worried look.

"Mrs. Mane. I......I am really sorry to say this. But we couldnt save him."
Mrs. Mane fell back as if all the energy in her body was sucked out. Her hands covered her face the next moment. "NO...NO...this cant happen", she cried. "I ...He......", and she just cudnt stop the tears from escaping the clutches of her eyes. But she as a strong woman. She collected herself a few moments later.

Seeing that the doctor continued. "Your son......had got tumour....brain tumour...", replied the doc. "It was severe, I am surprised that the first attack itself was life- tak... ". the doctor stopped seeing Mrs. Mane cover her face again.

A day later.

Mrs. Mane, went towards the desk where she last saw Rajiv. The desk was neat. He liked it that way. A few sheets were right in the centre below the paper weight. She went ahead and picked them up. She read.

A few moments later, Mrs. Mane had tears in her eyes. The last page.

She could see that the pen had dragged away towards the end. This was the moment when he had passed away. Probably he wanted to say so much more. She knew about him and Radhika. She knew that he loved her. She knew that this letter had to be delivered to her at all cost.

Later in the evening, she was at Radhika's door.

"Mom, you see that house over there. Thats where she stays." Rajiv has showed her once, when they were passing that area. His words echoed in her head as she rang the bell.
"Hi Radhika ??, she enquired.

"Yes"., the girl replied.

"I am Rajiv's mother. Rajiv died yesterday. He left you this. Please read it.", so saying she handed the letter to her and turned away crying.
Before Radikha could gather her senses and realise what she had heard, what had just happened, Mrs Mane had gone far away, disappearing behind the corner. When she recollected what she had heard, she was shocked herself. She closed the door and went inside, glancing at the paper in her hand. It was Rajiv's handwriting. She recognised it. She began to read.
====================================

Dear Radhika,

I picked up the phone today yet again, but i just couldnt dial your number. I do not know why but all my strength seems to just vanish in thin air whenever I try to do this. Dont think that I am low on self confidence or something. NO. That is not the point. Its just that sometimes, its so hard to speak to someone, to tell someone how much someone keeps thinking about the person. Sometimes its just so hard to say it in words. But its easier to write them down I think. And you must be knowing that I have always been a better writer than an orator. Hence, this paper you are holding in your hand. I hope it reaches you somehow.

I love you. I really do. I ..I.....I know I may sound desparate, trying to tell you again and again how much I ....you know...but the fact is no matter how much I try to avoid doing it I end up doing it. I know what you feel about me and I know that is never going to change. Yet for some reason I just cant stop thinking about you. I think of you in the day and I think of you in the night. I really do, I am not saying this just to sound poetic, its a fact. No matter how much I say to myself to stop thinking about you, I end up thinking about you more and more in the process of trying to forget you. Funny thing!! I sometimes think, that I should move on with life. Forget you once and for all. But whenever I see your picture or whenever I see you in front of me, I tend to go into a different mode all together. I like to be alone, thinking of you. Just me and you. And i dream. And I imagine. And i sulk in between. Shed a tear or two. And I smile again. And then i laugh thinking of what I am doing. Its very wierd you see. I know you wont be able to understand this. And do not think that I am making any effort to make you do so too. Its just that the heart is so so full. It has to leak somehow, somewhere.

I love you. I really do. I know you already know this. But I am saying it again and again , hoping that one day i get to hear a " i love you too". But I know that day would never come but yet I think, it just may.
I went to the shore again today. I know how much you love the sea. I do too. But here I walk alone, thinking of you. I sit alone, thinking of you. And I wish that I was never alone.I wish you were there with me. We could just walk for hours together holding hands, with nothing on our minds, not a word said, but yet so much spoken. Just you and me and the sea. I know this is never going to happen, but yet I imagine someday it just may. I am bored of shedding tears nowadays. But the heart keeps pushing them out. Cant stop them either. SO i let them flow. I keep fighting with myself. One part says to forget you. Other says dont let go. Fortunately or Unfortunately, there is no clear winner. Its always a tie between them. So I let it be. Let life go on as it is.

I love you. I really do. Wish you could understand. I cant force you. I know. But Wish you could understand.
You know something....I have been getting headaches lately. Dunno what the reason is. NO...Dont worry . Its not because of thinking of you too much. Dunno ...just natural i guess. As i write this, my head has already started paining. You know what I am seeing at the moment. A vision. A vision of you. Smiling. At me? I am not sure. But you are smiling.And you are looking very very beautiful. Like you always do. And will always do. I know it. I see the sea. The breeze is blowing gently. The smell is intoxicating, fresh neverthless. There is no one around. I see myself. I see a small hill. I am walking. Walking towards it ...walking alone..Oh!. I am alone yet again...as usual....Where are you?.... Why cant I see you?....Maybe you are behind the hill. Waiting for me. Are you? I hope you are. I am coming. Please dont go. Please wait. For me. Because you know it and I know you know it too, that I love you. The vision is getting blur now. Its getting dark. How can it get dark so soon. I still havent found you. I still havent reached you. Can you come over to me. Please. Oh!!..its getting more dark. Please come quick. Give me your hand.
I love you Radhika....I really d..............................

====================================

Radhika kept staring at the paper in her hand. There were tears in her eyes. One tear managed to free itself and fall down on the paper. She looked at the paper again and read the last line.

I love you Radhika....I really d O.............................
It seemed complete now. The tear had fallen right at the end completing the "O".

More tears followed.

kabhi...kabhi

2008-10-23T10:59:00.008+05:30

pyaar koi labz nahi hotonse batane ko,

woh to ek ehsaas he aankho se samjhaane ko,

zindagi guzar jayegi pal zapakte hi,

jilo ise jaise har pal me ho wajah muskuraane ko.

koi yaad kare aapko to kuch baat he,

koi ruthe, koi to ho manane ko.
fir kabhi sochte he hum, kya roega yeh zamana

jab chale jayenge hum door kahi, kabhi bhi wapas na aane ko.

===========================

kabhi lagti ho aap parayee, koi ajnabee ho,
woh saath guzare hue pal, beeta hua kal ho,

tasveer jab saamne aa jaati he aapki,

lagti ho aap kuch apni si , aap hamari jaan ho.

kabhi sochte he hum raat raat bhar,

ki kya mila hume aapko dil de kar,

aankh band karke jab jhankte hu khud he andar,

bas ek hi chehra aapka, aa jaata he nazar.

kabhi rehta hu yaadon ki kaid me aapki,

na rihaai na zamaanat milti he,

sirf pyaar karne ka gunaah kiya tha humne,

uski bhi itni badi saza milti he.

yeh dard ka silsila tut hi nahi raha he,

dooriyon ka faasla mit hi nahi raha he,

ashq ab sookh gaye he ...ro ro ke,

aap par iska kuch asar bhi ho nahi raha he.

khwaabon ke itne tukde ho gaye he,

kuch paas me, kuch door bikhar gaye he,

jab bhi koshish karta hu unhe jodne ki,

sachai ki talwaar se fir se kut gaye he.

haalat ab kuch aise ban gaye he,

na bhul sakte he hum aapko, na yaad bhi kar sakte he,

bas jiye jaa rahe he hum isi ghum me,

ki kabhi aap ho nahi saki hamari, aur hum kuch kar bhi nahi sakte he.

BLAH BLAH BLAH....

2008-10-18T21:33:00.010+05:30

Hi....
Yo...
How you doing?
Great....and what about you.
Not too bad.
Hmmm.....

You know something....its been close to two months!! and I havent written any new poem nor any story.
2 months!! ....Great ...keep it up.....and dont worry ...bad habits do take time to leave....but eventually they do...

Haha.....very funny....But you see...I am not so sure what has happened. Its not that I am short of ideas or have hit the writers block. NO. I got plenty of them stuck in my head. But when it comes to getting them out, the mood changes. ....Dunno why.
You know something....I always hated that stuff.

Ya....I know....whatever... !! Anyways, somehow I feel that the fuzz inside me has fizzled away !! .
..fizzled away?? ....sheeeeeeeshh.....i wonder if there is even a word like that !! ...

To be frank, I guess I been pre-occupied with work. Yes, its true. Probably that might be one reason. Also, that perhaps nothing interesting or happening is happening!!

happening is happening"!!!!...sheesh!!...whats happening dude ...control !! ..... :-)

No...I mean I have so much to write but not finding the time perhaps. And when I do find the time, the mood goes under cover. Now mood does decide what I put up here. Not that I am a very moody person, but still it holds quite some significance.

Dude!! Tell me frankly... Does anyone read the stuff you write?
Yes ..I guess...maybe.

Does anyone wait for it eagerly?
hmmmm.. I dont think so. And why should they. I started writing this blog for my own and not for anyone else...i think!!. ..

Precisely.!! Does anyone even care about what you put in here or what you dont? Does it matter? Does it make any difference to the thinking of the person reading it? Does it make any difference to the world!! ? .......Sheeeeeeesh !!! ....For all I can say, stop this crap.
Crap?? Dont call this crap buddy......Its the only outlet I have for my feelings....for my emotions.....

Feelings....Emotions!! ....ya right....What the heck dude....There is no such things as feelings ...emotions....its all for the books and fairy tales...and movies ..and stuff like that.....In reality...its just how to be practical..Everything else just goes for a toss...Its happening dude...look around..
NO....No....its not like that with everyone. Sometimes they do hold importance.

Oh do they now??...Look who is talking !!.....Well...tell me what have you got out of
them ?? ...Have they helped you in any way? Have they even been considered ? ..forget about being responded to ??
Well....I ......I mean....

Grow up buddy.....Get over with this....Life cannot be lived with soft and weak stuff like
these.....Live life the hard way....the tough way....The practical way!!....like many do. ...People dont give a damn of what you think ...of what you feel....or of what your so called 'emotions' which are hiding inside you...waiting to find their ...what was the word you used "OUTLET" !! ....yes ...outlet!! ....
Its not like that ...Sometimes they do....

There.... you said it yourself... "Sometimes" !!.....And what about the other times ??
I dunno. But I feel they do.

Ya ..Ya...thats what you think.....!!....Keep thinking.....Thats all you can do. I sometimes wonder, why do you do things that should not be done. I mean....you know....what I am talking about right....I mean.... its all about choices... I believe. And people have choices. And you cant change other people's choices, unless they themselves want to. And sometimes, when they realise and want to change their choices, it can sometimes be too late to do so. I mean you cannot change the way a person thinks about you, feels about you ...can you? And its very difficult to change their choice if you cant change their feelings.
Aha....thats my point..now you said it yourself...FEELINGS.....!! My only aim is to find the outlet for my feelings...irrespective of what other people think or act or choose. Let their choices remain to themselves, changed or unchanged ...it dosent matter to me.

Now you are talking sense.
Hmmm... We both are right in our own ways arent we ....Its just that I had lost in somewhere. I guess I had got too attached to what I was writing.

Uhhh....excuse me...Lost it ?? ...when did you "Have" it to loose it!! .. :-)
No...No...but having said that something is wrong here. Dead wrong. I cant do this. I cant just write for the sake of writing. I cant just write without having any attachment. It wont make that great a thing to read. Will it ?

Huh...What was that ??
Having said that I do standby what you said....I need to stop over doing it.....I mean.... Its time to take some decisions. Some strong decisions.
What?
Its about time.
Whaaaaa?
The strength has to seep in.
Huhhhh !!
Its time for change. A new start. ..........BLAH BLAH BLAH......
Oh ENUF...DUDE...ENUF......
BLAH BLAH BLAH......
STOP IT ...cant take your bullshit anymore. ...
BLAH BLAH BLAH......
You seriously need to take some medications!!.....
BLAH BLAH BLAH......

ROG ..when love is a disease...!!

2008-09-24T04:12:00.006+05:30

I was just lazying around at home, watching TV when i saw a song featuring Irfan Khan. I really admire his acting abilities and must have seen almost all his recent movies. But I was unable to recollect what I was seeing on TV that day. The song looked so familiar, but the video was new to me. Later the name of the movie flashed across. Movie : ROG ...and I was like ....yeaaaaah.....a movie with this name had come and gone with the blink of an eyelid. There were a few songs which I remember listening to them when the audio was realeased way back in 2004, Guzar na jaaye was a decent track then. Its been 4 years !! and I am listening to songs from the movie now! ....

The song I was seeing on TV was Maine Dil se Kaha.

===========================
Maine Dil Se Kaha :

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi

Bechaara kahan jaanta tha
Khalish hai yeh kya khala hai
Shehar bhar ki khushi se
Yeh dard mera bhala hai
Jashna yeh raaz na aaye
Mazaa toh bas gam main aaya hai

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Kabhi hai ishq ka ujaala
Kabhi hai maut ka andhera
Bataao kaun bes hoga
Main jogi banu ya lutera
Kayi chehre hai is dil ke
Najaane kaunsa mera

Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Hazaaron aaise phaasle the
Jo Tai karne chale the
raahe magar chal padi thi
Aur peeche hum rah gaye the
kadam Do chaar chal paaye
Kiye phere tere mann ke

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
================================

But there was another song, which was even better than this one. Yet another beautiful song gone unnoticed. The songs Khoobsurat he Woh ...sung by Kreem MM ( music director ) and also by Udit narayan, 2 versions. The song is simply ...LOVELY!! ...They lyrics so simple ...yet so beautiful....

Khoobsurat hai woh:

Khoobsurat hai woh itna sahaa nahi jaata
kaise hum khud ko rok leraha nahi jaata
Chaand me daag hai yeh jaante hai hum lekin
raat bhar dekhe bina uskoraha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itna sahaa nahi jaata

jo mera ho nahi paayega is jahaa me kahi
rooh ban kar miloonga usko aasma me kahi
Pyaar dharti par farishton sekiya nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

un nigaho me mohabbat nahi to kaho aur kya hai
par woh mujh se yeh keh raha woh kisi aur ka hai
zarasa jhoot bhi dhang sekaha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

Aankh me kaid kiye baithame ek haseen lamha
jab me is neend se jagoongato dil tutega
woh mujhe khwaab koi kyondikha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

==============================

URL :http://www.songs.pk/rog.html
I guess ... its time I see the movie.

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

2008-09-08T23:11:00.004+05:30

I had never heard of this song, neither of the album, neither the band.
But the moment I heard it, found some kind of connection towards it......unexplainable...

================================

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

URL : http://www.radioblogclub.com/open/151996/iris/Iris-%20Goo%20Goo%20Dolls

Over a cup of espresso...

2008-08-24T20:37:00.000+05:30

"I am 29 and still single dude", Amod said to Nilesh sipping his espresso at the barista.
"So what.....you are not the first of your kind", Nilesh replied.
"Yes I know dude, but hey the number of "my kind" is very less. I know loads of other guys going out with more than one girl at a time. How do they manage to do that", Amod continued.
"Well, they are different.", Nilesh said.
"What do you mean different?, Amod sulked.
"Cmon dude, you can get any girl you want. Maybe you are just not trying hard enough. Or Maybe your timing is not right. When the right time comes, you will get her. Besides, its time you let your parents find a girl for you and you get married. That will solve all your problems". Nilesh concluded.
"No dude, you dont understand. I mean....I wish.....Ahhh forget it, you wont understand"., Amod sulked sipping his espresso again looking around the place. He spotted a couple enter the door.

"See...chk that girl out. Isnt she pretty? and look who she is with! ..Sheesh. That guy has a bloody beer belly hanging out.....Dont you think I and her would have made a better pair?, Amod tried again.
"Wellll.........Hmmm....yes", Nilesh replied after a long pause.

"See..See...thats my whole point. Why is that the cocky guy, sometimes who is least interested in the girl, is usually the one who get the girl? Why cant a nice guy like me get one?, Amod kept his point of argument. "I keep hearing the words "Amod...You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend!" I mean, why do they ditch me, a guy, who would treat them like a princess and give them everything they want.........and go after someone who treats them like nothing special?", Amod had a crooked smile on his face now.
"Well...not all girls are like that Amod". Nilesh responded.
"Aha...not all, but most of them are...I know dude..I have faced it.", Amod was sulking again. "You know everthing right".

Nilesh thought enough was enough. Amod was not going to listen to him the easy way. So its better if he took the tough way out.

"Ok Dude, you want the answers. Honest answers." Nilesh replied.
"Yes..please", Amod said eagerly waiting to hear him speak.

"OK. Listen carefully now. You said you were "nice" isnt it?. Well, firstly "nice" equates with boring and predictable."
"Huh", Amod replied.

"Yes...Look up "nice" in the dictionary. You will find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy, Nilesh explained.
"uhh...Ok...Go on", Amod said.

"Well...I'll bet you've never heard a girl say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard her say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry." Sadly, for you, you hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. "Nice" Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you.... and..... unfortunately that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work." Amod said.

"So what do you want me to do. Become a casanova. Heart-breaker a.k.a Ranbir Kapoor in Bachna ae haseeno types!! Amod said. "Or do you want me to mistreat them or even ..."

"No, dude no, I am not saying that you mistreat them or disrespect them in any way. What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more!!" , Nilesh replied.
Amod gave a confused look.

"Well, let me explain. The problem is you, Mr.Nice guy..."
"STOP CALLING ME THAT ALL THE TIME", Amod shouted.

"Haha ..OK OK sorry. See, the fact is you care too much, too soon. You make the girls too important and too valuable and it shows in everything you say and do. You are too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and give too much -- all without getting anything or wanting anything in return. By doing so, you have made yourself appear desperate!!....or... insecure, needy of the girl's attention, affection, and approval."

Amod listened now with eyes and mouth wide open. He took another sip of from his espresso, as if to get back into the concentration mode.

"You have stripped yourself of any value in her eyes. After all, if you are already doing and giving everything, without the girl doing or giving anything - why would she value you? She won't. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable." Amod still has his eyes and mouth wide open.

"Uhhh...dude when did you learn to speak like that? Anyways....continue....", Amod requested.

"Haha...OK..Ok...See it works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Guys in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.

"Hmm..." , Amod nodded.

"See buddy, it's human nature. Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value......The secret to why the cocky guy wins over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one girl's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options."

"Well, what you said is really true. But dosent love hold any significance ?", Amod enquired.

"Love is just a 4 letter word. For some, it works. For some it dosent. For you it dosent. Love can be indecisive. But then, indecision is itself a decision in way. Its like a choice you make not to decide. So keep it that away. Be more cocky and you will get the girl you want. Love will happen later. Never force it to happen. Be strong. Be confident. Bring your attitude in the picture. Make them feel they need you rather than you need them. Simple. "Nilesh said concluding.

"Hmm, maybe you are right. I guess I need to be not so nice now.... Oh..my espresso is over. Shit!, It's time. Lets move. We are getting late." Amod said.

"OK . Mr. Not so "nice" guy" , replied Nilesh winking as they both left the place laughing.

The Silent Flute...

2008-08-14T16:16:00.000+05:30

Jay woke up to a saturday morning with the phone ring. "Mr.Jay Dixit", said the voice on the phone as he answered it. "Speaking..", replied Jay in a sleepy tone.
"Hi, this is Mr. Mathur here. We met the other day. Just wanted to confirm your coming to Pune for the concert." , continued the voice. "Yes, definitely. I am really looking forward to it." , Jay replied suddenly waking up and filled with excitement. "Good, well see you tomorrow at the Natya Mandir", the voice replied hanging the phone.

An hour later, Jay was busy practising what he did best, playing the flute. Jay had never imagined he would be making the 'flute' his source of income and his way of life. But then he treaded a path, many others do not dare to - Making your dream your career. Jay had given up his well paying job in the bank to now struggle with something he loved to do. Having done that, he faced flak from all the people he loved. "Son, you are taking a huge gamble with life. From a settled banker to a struggling musician!! Well, all I can say is May Luck be with you, his dad had told him."
A small time musician he was now, but his popularity was ever increasing and the day would not be far when he would be popular throught India, or maybe the world. Pune was just a start.

The next day, Jay was in a volvo going to Pune. The low temperature inside the volvo always made him drowsy and having nothing better to do, he thought sleeping was the best thing to do. Minutes later, he woke up. Woke up to a smell, a scent he recognised. A scent from the past. He opened his eyes to find someone standing next to him. A saree clad female. He noticed she was married from her accesories and that big red dot smeared on her forehead.
"Excuse me, mine is the window seat", she said in a voice so familiar. Jay got up from his aisle seat, trying to be courteus, as she sat next to the window. A mutual quick glance again at each other and....
"JAY!!.....is it you?" ."Neha!!!.....Hi", replied Jay. "Hi..." replied Neha slowly, sending both of them into a silence. The suddent excitement of meeting each other was very quickly buried down by the memories from the past.

===================================
It was love at first sight for him when he first saw Neha in the bank. They soon became very good colleagues, then friends and later had started enjoying each other's company. Jay had once proposed to her. "You are a nice guy, Jay", she had replied."But I am not ready for a relationship yet. Not with you, not with anyone. Hope you understand. I have got a career ahead of me and moreover I also ....". Joe had not heard the remaining lines. The fact that he was rejected had hurt him so much. But yet he continued to be friends with her. Jay was not among those to give up easily, he kept on proposing to her in many different ways, at different times and reminding her that he was always there for her. She soon started falling for him, as she knew no one would ever love her as much as Jay did but she was still confused and scared to say YES, leaving Jay confused, on what her problem might be. Jay also had the ongoing confusion about his career and life ahead and Neha's behaviour was adding more to it. Years passed, Jay had soon started giving up hope and one day, he quit his job in frustration without informing her and disappeared from her life completely. It was then, that he made the decision to make a career out of his passion.
===================================

And now here he was sitting next to the woman he once loved, now having nothing to say.Jay had so many thoughts running through his head. So many questions to ask her. So many things to say. But he chose to keep mum.He had two options, either to let her know that he still loved her and thought about her. But it had not been of any use earlier and it would definitely be of no use now. He had noticed she was married. The other option was to pretend everything was good in his life and be at his witty best. He chose the latter.

"So....howz life?" , Neha broke the silence.
"Ya its good. I am going to perform in the concert tomorrow at the Natya Mandir"., Jay replied noticing some scars on her face and hands. She didnt have these, he thought'.
"Oh cool. Nice." she replied. "So got your career confusion solved in the end is it?" she gave a light smile.
"Hmmm...Yes. For the good, I guess. Now I want to be a world famous flute player. " Jay replied.
"Hmmmm..", Neha replied.
A minute later.
"You just disappeard without telling anyone in the bank.", Neha again broke the silence giving that smile.
"I didnt have many friends there", Jay replied now opening up a bit. She smiled again.
"You could have told me one last time. I was your friend." she replied.
"Friend...hmmm...yes...well...all I can say is Oops!! .....", Jay replied again noticing those scars as she smiled yet again."Anyways...howz your life been?", Jay continued.
"Well, my life has been good.. I got job in another bank now. I work and stay in Pune and every weekend go home to visit my parents in Mumbai." Neha replied.
"Hmm...good....So married or not or still waiting for me?", Jay asked blinking trying to act funny.
"Haha.... I got married last year. My parents ....arranged. He was an engineer working with General Motors", she replied calmly.A silent moment later as if thinking something in her head, she continued. "He loves me a lot".
"Well I bet, not more than me",Jay said blinking.
"Haha.....maybe.....he keeps me happy though."
"Not more than I would have", Joe smiled. She didnt reply. She just smiled.
"Hmmm..Maybe", she said softly.
Jay couldnt stop noticing the scars. His curiosity got the better of him.
"If you dont mind, can I ask you a question", Jay asked. "Sure Sure", she replied.
"How did you get those...", he said pointing towards her face and hands.
"Oh these.....I know....many people do ask me that time and again.
I had an accident a few months back......My scooty has got more scars than me.", she smiled.
"Hmmmmmm....well how many times I have told you not to drink and drive", Jay winked at her laughing.
"Hahaha......", she laughed. But Jay noticed the laugh was very different from her usual style to which he had got used to years back. Maybe he had forgotten how it was like.

The conversation continued. They talked about the colleauges in the bank, the times they spent, the movies they had watched, the outings, the fun they had, their friends, families, their future, about Jay's dream of becoming world famous one day. All spoken about with a pinch of humour.Time flew away so fast that Neha reached her destination.

"I have to get down here. Bye. May your dreams come true Jay. I will pray for you. Keep in touch. Take care of your self." Neha said hurrying down from the bus.
"You too", he shouted waving to her as the volvo drove away."Pray for me ...Thank you for that Neha...but How do I keep in touch with you ..... you didnt even give me your phone number", he murmured to himself.

Joe gathered himself now. He had lived the past all over again in those 3 hours. But now it was back to reality. He had an important concert the next day. Neha was his past. He loved her and still does, but she never loved him back and will never do. She is happily married now and moving on with her life. This was a reality and he had to accept it and move ahead in his life like he has always done.

Mr. Mathur had come to pick him up. "We have made your lodging arrangements Mr. Jay. You can relax and be fresh for the big day tomorrow.", he said dropping him off at the hotel lobby. The concert was a success. Not many people had turned up for the show, but the numbers were no doubt increasing. Maybe Neha's prayers are being heard but at a very slow pace, he thought.
The same night, Jay was as usual practising in his hotel room. Someone knocked calling his name. "Jay...jay...".He stopped playing his flute and opened the door to see Abhinav. His foul-mouthed friend from the bank.
"Hi Mann......how r you doing" , Jay asked.
"I am fine you bas***d , you are getting popular day by day. I saw your pic in the newspaper today. Came to know from that grumpy Mr. Mathur, that you are staying here. What yaar, you just left without telling anyone in the bank. And now you are leaving back again without even trying to get in touch with us.... you f***er, he continued.
"Its not like that Abhi,. Its just that I chose a new life for myself.", Jay replied.
"Oho....Mr. popular, trying to get used to the celebrity life eh....Stop giving bul***t reasons....There is only one life you have..The one you are living.....Ahhh anyways....how have u been...did you happen to meet with anyone else from the bank or am I the first..hehe.."., he continued.
"Yes, I happened to meet Neha in the bus yesterday", Jay replied not giving Abhi the credit of being the first," And apart from her...."
"Oho....Neha....your old item.!!", Abhinav interupted leaving Jay clenching his fists.
"But you know what Jay, I really feel sorry for her yaar", he continued. "She did not deserve this. You could have kept her more happy than that bloody husband of hers. If I had come to know about it earlier na, I swear I would have killed that bas***d. Ahhh Anyways you must be knowing everything about her right..." , Abhinav continued.
"What about her", Jay had a puzzled look on his face.
"You met her yesterday right. Didnt she tell you ?.......Ohhhh.....she did not tell you is it? " Abhinav was smurking.
"DID NOT TELL ME WHAT??" , Jay was getting angry now clinching the flute he was holding in his hands.
"Well, after you left the bank, a few months later, her parents got her married off to this engineer guy. At first he was good to her but later on the ba***d started showing his true colors. Fu***r was a hardcore alcoholic. Everynight he used to get drunk, come home and beat her up just for the heck of it. It seems that he was unhappy with the marriage and wanted to marry someone else he loved. Ahhh..dont know whats his side of the story. Neha had surrendered herself to her destiny and did not tell about this to anybody. Apparently, one day the ass got so drunk, he beat her up till she fell unconscious. Fearing she was dead, he drove off in his car and met with an accident. Good that he died on the spot. Ba***d. His soul must be burning in hell now. Poor Neha...she used to be so pretty and now she has to roam about with those scars. I cant understand why she still prefers to act as if she is a married woman. But now she stays alone, works alone here in Pune and goes home every weekend to meet her parents. Feel pity for her yaar...." , he stopped.
"I wonder why she did not tell you about this", he continued after a pause.
Jay was left speechless. He felt weak.
"I guess I know why", he replied.
The flute he was holding in his hands fell to the ground silent.

Neha opened the drawer of her cupboard and removed her diary. She began writing.

"Dear Dairy,
I met Jay yesterday after these many years. When he was with me in the bank, I was confused about his love for me, or rather my love for him. He loved me a lot. I guess I know about it and he does too. But as you know I was not very clear about the whole thing. The day I came to know he had left, I felt a strange kind of emptiness in my heart. The days following that the emptiness increased all the more. I had realised that I had already been in love with him. Its just that I didnt know about it. I guess if he had informed me that he would be leaving, I would have stopped him and accepted his proposal. He didnt leave me any hint to get to him, to reach him. My parents were worried and were pressurising me to get married. I had no other option but to give in to their demands. I thought maybe this was going to be a new start. A happy married life without Jay. I thought the emptiness Jay had left me with would be filled up with the love of my husband. Unfortunately, life had different plans for me. the rest you know. Maybe this is my punishment for rejecting the love which had come my way. The scars on my body will always remind me of the mistake I did. But its those scars deep inside my heart which will never be washed away. I guess Jay has moved on with his life. He seemed to be very happy in the bus. He had found his passion and had made it his life. I did not want to interfere with his dream and his goals again. That is why I had to hide the truth from him. I also did not give him my number or address yesterday for the same reason. You can understand me right. I hope he does too. Anyways, I beg you to pray with me... for him. May he get all the happiness in the world. And all the pain which I might have given him be washed away. Its getting late now. I have to sleep. May God bless me and May God bless Jay. Good night."

I will always be there.

2008-08-04T17:52:00.000+05:30

When the times are hard, and the moments rough
When your strengths' all gone, and your life is tough.
When you feel very lonely, when you feel all low
When you want to smile, when you want to glow.
Just think of me, I will always be there.

When people you need are no more around
When friends you want are hard to be found.
When you feel hurt, when you feel very lost,
When you feel like crying, thinking of your past.
Just think of me, I will always be there.

When the whole world feels like a maze
When there is no where you can gaze
When you feel you are hounded by troubles,
When your heart seems to be bursting like bubbles,
Just think of me , I will always be there.

When the future seems no more bright,
When love seems to be out of your sight
When there is no pillow for you to shed that tear
I will make sure my shoulder would be somewhere near.
Just think if me, I will always be there.

Your are dear to me than the heaven above.
Give me one chance to prove my love,
Trust me on this, please dont go
Take my hand now, I will never let go.

Candle...unlit

2008-07-14T22:53:00.000+05:30

"Ok see you at the church", Shaun said over the phone. Shirley hung the phone. She was excited. Today was going to be the day. A day she would like to remember.

She knew Shaun for sometime now. They had first met at the church. Sunday Mass. He was kneeling down in the same row as hers, next to his mother. She noticed him because even after kneeling down, he looked so tall. It was love at first sight for her. She noticed him every Sunday. As luck would have it, their moms started talking and inturn... them. "Thank you Christ", she had said for letting us know each other.

They soon became very good friends. But she had already given her heart to him the first day. She loved him. She had never told him. She thought he loved her too. 'But with guys you can never be sure', she used to think. She used to get so jealous when she found him staring at other girls. That jealousy used to turn to anger when he spoke with them. She used to tell him that she didnt like it. But he used to laugh it off.

Here she was now, standing outside the church, recollecting all the days she had spent with him, going to do something she had never done before. She noticed him, he was standing on the opposite site of the road, buying a candle. He looked as good as ever. He waved to her with a smile crossing the road."I will light an extra candle if he says YES today", she thought.

"Hey, Good morning", he said coming closer. "Someones looking fresh", he said winking. "I am always fresh, But you are the one who is smelling good for a change" , she replied smiling. "By the way, there is something I..... ", "Come lets go inside", he interupted her, laughing.
Inside the choir had already started. A while later, all were on their knees. She was beside him.

She looked at him, he had closed his eyes. "Cmon Shirley, this is it. This is the moment.", she thought to herself. Without thinking much, she moved closer to him, wanting to whisper something in his ears. "I love you", she tried to whisper. But only her lips moved, no sound came out. She smiled and got back to normal position.

After the mass ended, just as they were about to leave, she pulled Shaun aside in the church corner and spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell you something. Hope you dont get angry. I .. I ....", she stopped seeing Micheal who was coming towards them. Micheal, their common friend.
"Hi Shirley.", he said quickly moving his head towards Shaun. "Dude, coming to the ground for cricket, the whole gang is coming.", he said."Yaa....sure...just a second....will join you.", he replied turning towards Shirley again. Micheal left.

Shirley thought to herself. "Maybe I should tell him some other time". "No Shirley NO.....this is the time. You might never have as much courage as you have now. You have to say it NOW.

"Shirley....Shirley", Shaun said snapping his fingers in front of her face. "You were saying something." Without thinking much, Shirley spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell this for a long time now. I love you. I cannot live without you.", she said in one go. Her hands were trembling. Her eyes were down. She looked up from what seemed like an eternity even though it was not even a second.Shaun was looking at her. His eyebrows had twichted. No reaction on his face. She repeated," Shaun I really love you. I am telling you this in the home of God. I know its not good to swear. But I swear on God, I cant live without you." This time she sounded more confident.

Shaun smiled. "You know something", he spoke. " You should have told me ....""HEY SHAUN. YOU COMING OR WHAT? " , Micheal shouted from the door.
"Gotta go now, meet me at 4 in the evening. Same place.", he shouted and ran out with Micheal, leaving Shirley perplexed.

"You should have told me ..."..what does he mean? Was it a wrong time to tell him? Was it the wrong place? Or was it the wrong thing? But there is no proper time, place where you can tell such a thing. I had to tell it now, or it could have been never. Does he love me too ? Did he not like me saying it? Damn that Micheal !! Damn the game of cricket!! Oh God,
what do I do now. Wait till 4 pm. what will he say then. Oh God , please help me through this. Let me light another candle."

Shaun was at the nearby bus stop now, just around the corner. Micheal was there and so were many of his friends. Everybody was talking about the match day before. The diving catch by Yuvraj, the sixer hit by Dhoni and how Gilchrist was clean bowled by R.P Singh. But Shaun was a non existent listener in the group. He was thinking about what Shirley had said. Her face was coming in front of his eyes. Her eyes that spoke so much. The slight dimple on her cheek. That lovely smile. That ...
"What are you staring at the road and smiling, dude....the bus is here.", Micheal interupted yet again. The bus came, the bus stopped. Micheal was the first to hop in followed by the rest of the crowd. It was Shaun's turn next. He put one foot on the steps of the bus. The conductor
shouted, "Fast fast" ...

"I cant wait till 4. Let me settle this matter right away. Cricket can wait." he stepped down, leaving Micheal shouting "Dude, What the ..." The bus zoomed away.

Shaun began to walk back towards the church. It had started to drizzle now. "Maybe she is still there" . he thought. He came to his senses, when he heard some people running around the corner, towards the church. He overheard someone saying "Someones been hit........A car....A girl..."
Shaun's heartbeat stopped. He started running towards the church with a silent prayer in the head. The rains were getting heavier. He was totally drenched now. As he turned the corner, he saw a group of people surrounding someone.He saw a red car. As he came closer, he saw a body on the road. It was a girl for sure. He pushed people aside.

"Poor girl", someone said.

"Someone call the ambulance."

"Wait I will call the police"

"SO sad."

"She was going to the church with the candle."

Shaun moved closer. It was her. It was Shirley. She was bleeding from the head. She was soaked more in blood than the rain water. He went closer. There was a candle near her body.

"Dont go close to the body", someone shouted. "Let the police come."

Shaun didnt heed. He picked the candle and went on his knees near her. He put the candle in her hand. He was too shocked to cry. His heart had stopped beating. His lips were dry. He
picked her wet body up and hugged her. His eyes soon burst open. Tears were running down his cheeks with full flow.

"...I LOVE YOU TOO..." , he shouted at the top of his voice hugging her as tightly as he could. The sound of the ambulance echoing in the background.

=======================

"Wow, that was ....sad....touching", I said to Jobin as he was lighting the candle in the church.
"This is the very candle. Shirley's candle. Light it after I pass away", was what he had said to me", he continued. "He had kept it with him for these many years." Jobin had tears in his eyes.

"My grandfather used to always tell me. If you love someone, you say it right then and there. At that very moment you feel like saying it. That one chance you get can sometimes be the only because at times God can be cruel and not give you any another chance. Whatever you have to think, think NOW. Whatever you have to say, say NOW. Whatever you have to do , do NOW. If you love someone say it NOW. Dont worry about the outcome." Jobin continued.

"I will miss him", Jobin said wiping his tears. I put my hand on his shoulders. It had started to drizzle outside.

You fill up my senses...I love you till the end...

2008-07-08T01:07:00.000+05:30

I had gone to one of my friend's house the other day and he just played a couple of songs in his laptop. When the below song started playing, he asked to me close my eyes and listen to it. I did just that and what I felt cannot be described. It was such a lovely song I had never heard before. He told me that it was his girlfriend's favourite song and now his too. :-)
"Well....its one of mine too now", I had said.
"you can have the song, but not my girl", he had winked.

Anyways..here is the song.

==========================================
You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

INSTRUMENTAL VERSE......Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

---> ANNIE'S SONG (John Denver)
===========================================
Incidentally, this song was written by the singer John Denver for his wife named Annie.
The song became more famous as "Annie's song"!!

Listen to it :
URL : http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/1/annie_s_song/1.html

Well, there was another song I heard that day. It was also pretty good.

I LOVE YOU TILL THE END.... : POGUES
==============================
I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end...
==============================

Incidentally again, I came across this song again when I was seeing a movie "P.S. I Love You" which a friend had asked me to see.
This ones a lovely song too. I like the way it ends.

URL: http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/7/love_you_till_the_end/1.html

Sometimes...life

2008-07-04T10:37:00.000+05:30

Sometimes you feel life is like a jigsaw puzzle. Everything you do, everything you want, you need, you desire, you wish etc etc are all scattered around. And all you do throughout your life is to put those pieces, or infact try to put those pieces together. Sometimes you end up putting a few pieces together and then you realize that "no... this one wasn’t meant to be here, it should be somewhere else.". You take decisions. You remove those pieces stuck together and try to adjust different ones in that place, hoping those fit in there. Some do....some dont.

You keep on searching for the right ones. Search , search and search. Search the ones farthest from you, forgetting to look at the near ones first. Sometimes after you have finished looking for the ones farthest away from you, you realize that the one you were looking for is the one closest to you. It has been there with you all this while. You just didn’t look. You ignored it. Well, your whole life goes in searching for those pieces, putting them together and trying to solve the puzzle. Some people manage to put all the pieces together before their time gets over. Some dont.
Their scattered pieces remain scattered all the time. No matter how much they try, they just are not able to solve the puzzle. Unlucky chaps. Sometimes, they wish they were given a different jigsaw puzzle to solve. But you can only wish. Coz what you have been given, is what you have. You cant change, you cant ask. You have no choice. Solve it. Keep trying. Well the puzzle solving goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes you feel life is like a boat. You are the captain. You are in control of the sails. You sail away from the shore out towards the unknown sea. Not because you want to but because you have to. Again a choice you have to make. With the same amount of pain in your heart for leaving the safety zone of the shore is the amount of excitement to look forward for something new. You pull those sails and explore.

You keep on sailing towards the unpredictable sea waiting for you. Speaking of unpredictable, here, sometimes you feel life is like the sea. Life is indeed unpredictable. Also, just like the sea which keeps returning to the shore, no matter how far you go from your loved ones, you just feel like going back to them. Hey, but we were talking about the boat here. You keep moving on, having to face the calmness and the smooth ride sometimes and at other times turbulence and storms. Well the boat sails on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like playing cards. You know what you have and what you dont. With what you have, you have to try to make the most of it and try to win. You may have some good cards, some bad ones, but you cant do anything much. All you have to do is play and you have to make decisions, which ones to play with, and when, at what time. And you have to make those decisions quick.

You have to sometimes keep track of your oppositions, take into account other peoples cards and see what they do with theirs. Its always i, me, myself attitude most of us have which we carry all the time with life. Some people succeed in the game, feeling happy but loosing out the trust of other people on the way. Some people dont. They carry on even if they loose and want to start a new game. Well the game goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like ……….aaaahhgg forget it.
What the heck. What is this I am writing?? Don’t I have anything better to do??
Don’t youuuu have anything better to do. All you people reading this, get back to your life.

I need to solve my own jigsaw puzzle, I need to sail out towards the sea and oh shit, its my move next for throwing the playing card. Adios Amigos.

The Shining Star

2008-06-22T21:22:00.000+05:30

Sipping his last peg of vodka, Akshay said," Guys, I am in love". What followed was a roar of laughter from his friends.HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

"Dude, guess you are really drunk". one guy said. Another roar followed. This time the decibel levels were even higher.

"Guys, I know I am drunk. But what I am saying is true. 200 %. I swear."

"OK ..dude...we believe you. Whos the girl?", Rob asked.

"Nivedita!" , Akshay replied with a smile on his face.

--------

Next day at the canteen, Rob asked, "Akki, do you know what you said yesterday?"

Rob was Akshay's very good friend. Infact one of the very close friends he had. He knew what was happening in Akki's life and was always there with him in good as well as bad times.

"uhhh....", Akshay tried hard to remember. "Nivedita!!......" Rob replied as if giving a hint.
"Oh Shit!!!! ......Did I really say so ? ...NO way dude.....I was drunk ...It must have slipped....I possible cant....Couldnt....." , Akshay said clearing things.

"Dude, there is a saying --people say the truth when they are drunk. All the secrets from their hearts leak out. And I know you dude, I could see the love in your eyes for her.....Cmon dude....She loves you too..." Rob explained.

"STOP!! Mann...STOP!!" ,Akshay interrupted him. "You know I possibly cant. Not after all that has happened to me."

"Look at me", Rob ordered Akshay. "Now, tell me honestly, DO you love her?"
There was silence. After some time, he replied " YES".

"Well, then cmon dude, why didnt you tell her then when she had proposed to you? And why dont you tell her now, that you do love her!!". Akshay was silent. Rob continued.

"Listen buddy, whatever happened was in the past. Get over it. Look as if its a new
beginning. If you love her, tell her." Rob said.

"No, yaar, I cant....Cmon ..you know what I went through. Its true that I love Nivedita. I know she loves me too. But I dont think I would be able to...you know pull it off this time as well. What do you think Rob? DO you think I can pull this one off? Ahhh ...No...No...No way dude. Its spooky. I dont think I am ready for another relationship. I would prefer being single."

"Listen dude", Rob said. "You know what your problem is. You are so afraid of being hurt that you are going to end up all alone.!! Probably some time in the future, you would realise that you missed a chance. A chance to have forgotten the past. A chance to have started something new with someone who loves you. A chance to be happy for the rest of you life..."

Rob continued with his talk. He could see Akki listening with full alert. He could see the confidence seeping inside him.

===========================

Nivedita was sitting in her balcony. Her roomates were not at home. She was alone. She was on her favourite place there...the swing. She was reading a book. But her concentration was somewhere else. She was thinking about Akshay.
She remembered the day she had proposed to him and how he didnt say a YES, neither did
he say a NO and how all he said was ," I am not ready ".She loved him very much. She just couldnt love anyone else now.

Lost in her thoughts, she got disturbed by her mobile ring. "Akshay Calling".

She gets startled. "Hello", she says.

"Hi Nivi. There is something I wanted to tell you. Will you come down?" , Akshay said.
"Uhh, Down?...where are you? ", she enquired.
"Look below" was the reply leaving Nivedita to peep over the balcony.

She saw Akshay there. "Coming", she said running down.
Akshay had meanwhile started climbling the 3-storeyed building. They met on the stairs. 2nd floor.

"HI", Akshay said. 'HI' was the reply.
"These are for you", Akshay handed the white daisies. Nivedita loved daisies.

She looked up after admiring the flowers. There were a lot of things going on in her head. Questions after questions were popping. Before she could say anything, Akshay spoke.

"I have been thinking about you Nivi. Thinking a lot. No matter how hard I tried to neglect and prevent your thoughts from coming into my head, I just couldnt stop them. Everytime, everyplace, everywhere I go, you are always there right there in my thoughts, my dreams. When you told me the other day that you loved me, I felt very happy, but my past came haunting me. It was not that I didnt love you. It was just that I was afraid. I was not afraid of loving, I was afraid of loosing you."

Nivedita listened with complete calmness.

"I have lost the ones I loved, Nivedita", he started again. "I was so scared of this darkness
in love, that I stopped to search for the stars anymore. And thats why I decided to live my life on my own. Without love, ignorant of the fact that you were shining over me all this while. But now ....I realised that I am not afraid anymore!! I am not scared of getting hurt anymore!!"

"I love you", he ended after a pause.

Nivedita couldnt stop her tears from rolling out. "I love you too", she replied.

"Hmmm...I know" , Akshay winked hugging her.

The Way You Look Tonight

2008-06-22T19:47:00.000+05:30

Dosent it happen with you guys too, that you are just sitting doing something or maybe doing nothing at all, and suddenly you remember a song you heard long time ago. And there it is, just pops up in your head. Well. I was doing nothing today at work and out of no where, the below song was what I remembered.
=========
Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you…
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart…
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely … Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
‘Cause I love you … Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.
=========
--by Tony Bennett.

Also FYI, this song featured in the movie " My best friends wedding " . It was here when i heard it first. Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney ,having their last dance on the boat. This was "their" song. The scene was heart touchin and the song lovely.

URL:
http://croonerculture.com/the-way-you-look-tonight-tony-bennett-mp3-and-lyrics/

Dont worry, be happy

2008-06-07T21:48:00.000+05:30

Raj sat in the cab ready to go home. He had a busy day at work. He was really tired. He had his worries. But at that moment, with the radio playing some of his favourite songs, all he was thinking was of sleep.

"Sir, take this", said the driver handing him a box of sweets. Surprised, he looked up taking one sweet out of the box. "Thank you", whats this for?", he enquired.
"I got a baby boy", replied the driver."Oh cool, congrats yaar. I am so happy for you" , Raj replied." Thank you sir", he said starting the car.
"What about Arun? I guess even he was expecting a baby. Ooops, I mean his wife was expecting a baby!! ," Raj enquired tounge in cheek, smiling.
"Yes sir, Even Arun had a baby boy last week". "Cool", Raj replied smiling, wondering how proud these guys must be feeling of becoming a dad. And then his thoughts started drifting to a situation where even he would one day be holding his own baby in his hands. But before he could run away with them, his thoughts were intercepted.
"Sir, Arun has gone to his hometown. His baby had some problem.", the driver replied.
"Problem!!...what problem? " Raj replied.
"Not very sure. But the baby cant swallow anything. I mean when they feed her milk or anything, it just comes out from the nose and mouth and everywhere. I guess the baby has a hole in the upper jaw. The doctors said that since the baby is so small, it would not be possible for them to operate her to fix the problem right away. They have asked to wait for 6 months to see and hope the jaw gets filled by itself, naturally. Else, after 6 months the baby would have to undergo an operation." Raj listened to all this with complete calm.
"So how are they feeding the baby? What are they feeding the baby"?, he enquired.
"Dunno sir, prob its on saline. Not very sure" was the reply. "Hmmm. Sad", was the only thing Raj would say. Raj was lost in his thoughts when he realised that he had reached his house. "Thanks", he said getting out of the cab.

Same day, Raj spoke to his cousin studying medicine. He came to know that the condition the baby had was called CLEFT PALATE!! A congenital deformity caused by abnormal facial development. Such conditions occur somewhere between 1 in 800 births!! The good thing is that it can be successfully treated with surgery.

A few days late, Arun came to pick him up. Raj wanted to enquire about his son and tell him how sad he felt for him. But before he could say anything, Arun spoke, "Raj sir, did you see yesterdays match", he started. He went on talking about it with the normal excitement he shows every other day.
Later...
"You know sir, the petrol rates are going to change soon. There was this huge line at the petrol pump. I was in the line from 10. My turn came at 1." , he said smiling.

Raj thought to himself. This guy seems happy but inside he must be feeling very sad. He wondered what must be going on with Arun and his family. He had known him since 15 months and had never seen him without a smile on his face. He seemed the most cheerful person around. No one would guess that he had problems going on. Speaking of problems. Everyone of us has problems, dont we, but then some of us just cant stop cribbing about them and then let others get affected by them. While there are others, like Arun, who just dont let them come and interfere in their professional life. Wish it was possible for everyone to be like him.

Raj wondered why God sometimes just cant see people happy. Why does he have to put in troubles in the life of a person who chooses to be happy under any situation, come what may. Raj felt his troubles were nothing in comparison to what Arun must be going through. He kept mum till he was dropped off to office. He didnt want to change Arun's attitude.
"Maybe six months later would be a right time to enquire about the baby. ", he thought.
He promised to himself to pray for the little baby.
========================
Hope you guys reading this will pray for the baby too.
Cheers.

dark...till the very end...

2008-06-06T22:00:00.000+05:30

He was trapped. He didnt know where. He didnt know why. He tried to remember where he was.

What he was doing. But he couldnt, even after trying so hard. But he had to. He had to try. He closed his eyes. Didnt make a difference as it was already pitch dark. Then he remembered. He remembered her. He felt the room getting filled with brightness as soon as he remembered her. He felt free. He felt happy. He saw her image standing there right in front of him. He saw her face. He noticed a smile on her face. He felt a breeze creep in from nowhere and blow her hair. She was looking so pretty. Her smile was as lovely as ever. He stretched his hand towards her, but she was not within reach. He felt tied up. He tried to break free. But he couldnt. He asked her to come close to him. But she did not. Maybe she couldnt. Maybe she tried but couldnt. Maybe she didnt try and hence couldnt. He didnt know what was going on in her head. He tried very hard, used up all his strength to reach her, but he couldnt. He didnt want to give up. He called out her name. Please, please come. Help me. But she couldnt. He tried to see the expression on her face but he couldnt. Was she still smiling? Why was she still smiling? Did she not hear his voice? Did she not hear his calls? He didnt get any answers. The more he tried to go towards her, the more she kept moving away from him. And before he could realise her image suddenly vanished, leaving him in darkness yet again. There was silence. Absolute silence. He could hear nothing. No, he could hear something. It was his heart. It beating very fast. He could hear his breath. He was quiet. Moment passed. Suddenly, he felt a pain. He felt something piercing his heart. He felt as if someone had put a dagger straight into him. The pain was terrible. He felt the blood ooze out. He felt his tears roll out as if trying to compete which one would drain out faster. He opened his eyes. There was still darkness around. He couldnt feel anything. He felt his body becoming empty. He felt the emptiness inside. He felt the hollow inside. He felt he was getting cold. Very cold. But yet he was thinking about her. He felt weak. Suddenly, memories which he felt had been wiped out, came back. He felt scared. They were haunting him. He shouted. He screamed. He screamed so loud that he felt one of his vein burst. But no one heard him. No one could hear him. He was alone. He was tired. He felt the sweat on his face. He felt his body getting wet, making him feel more cold. He felt his hands get numb. He felt he couldnt move his legs. He felt his brain going hazy. His heartbeat was slowing down. Her vision again appeared in front of his eyes. He felt happy and he felt sad both at the same time. It was a strange feeling. Slowly, steadily, the heartbeat dropped. His eyes were closing. He didnt want to close. He wanted her vision to be there till the very end. He didnt want to loose it. He didnt want to loose her. But the eye lids seemed to be very heavy. He tried his best to keep them open. His brain was now numb. He gave out one last gasp of air.
His hearbeat stopped.
His body was still.
But his eyes were open.
He kept them open.
He kept them open till the very end...till the very end.

Bundeya hoo ---KHUDA KAY LIYE

2008-05-20T20:36:00.000+05:30

Hi Guys,
The other day I was travelling back home in my cab and the radio played a song. The moment the song started playing, I felt so connected to it. I mean, there are some songs, the moment you hear it, you feel this strange feeling inside. A feeling indescribale. A divine connection. The last time I felt it was when i heard Khwaja mere Khwaja from Jodha Akbar. And then this song from KHUDA KAY LIYE. Dunno which language it is in. I guess Punjabi or Pashto maybe.
Anyways., it dosent matter. ( I really wanna see the movie now!! Have heard really good reviews about it.)

Lyrics
====
Bullay Noun Samjhawan Ayaan
Bheynaan Tay Bherjaiyaan
Man Lay Bulleya Sada Kena
Chad Day Pala Rayaan

Aal Nabi Ullad Ali Noun
To Kyoun Leekaan Layaan
"Jeyra Saanoun Syed Saday
Dozukh Milan Sazaiyaan"

Bundeya hoo Bundeya Bundeya hoo..oo…ooo Bundeya hoo Bundeya Bundeya hoo..oo…ooo

Raain, Saain, Sabhan Thaain
Rab Deyaan Bay Parwaaiyaan
Sohniyaan Paray Hatayaan Tay
Khoojiyaan Lay Gall Laiyaan

Jay To Loorain Baagh Baharaan
Chaakar Hoo Ja Raiyaan
Bulley Shah Dee Zaat Kee Puchni
Shakar Ho Razayaan

Bundeya hoo BundeyaBundeya hoo..oo…ooo Bundeya hoo BundeyaBundeya hoo..oo…ooo
hoo BundeyaBundeya hoo..oo…ooo Bundeya hoo Bundeya Bundeya hoo..oo…ooo..!!!

NJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
URL :
http://boomp3.com/listen/ajnfxch/khuda-kay-liye-bandya

some crap - Part 2

2008-05-06T17:38:00.000+05:30

Its been a month and no new update in the blog!! I wonder whats happened. Its not that I dont have anything to say. I have so much to say, so much to tell. Prob so much that the blogspace maynot be enuf. Aaah whatever. Prob so much that its hard to put everything down in words.Or maybe i have hit the writers block. Or maybe i havent.Somethings wrong thats for sure. Somethings different. Its a wierd
situation. A strange feeling. Nothing seems the same. I sometimes feel
I am fighting with myself. Fighting about what I want and what I need.
About what I get and what I deserve. What I wish for and what I
avoid. Its all so very confusing. Nothing seems the same.Its prob the worst phase of my life. Or am i making it one. They say you can shape up your life....hmmm.,...can you?No idea.They say life is all about choices. But what happens if the only choice
you have is to make choices between your choices. uhh..whatever that
meant!!Whack ...I hit myself. Wake up buddy. Whats the matter.Life was all fun before, why all 'ghum' now. There is so much to do.So
much left. So many dreams. But yet it dosent work. No matter how
hard I try. No matter what I do. What I need is what I dont get. I read what I have written above. Sheesh!! .What the heck.Cant write anymore of this bullshit anymore. Anything more would be ......uhh not finding a word...god damnit....my
vocabulary fails me....
Anyways....Bye 4 now.

khwaabo k rishte

2008-04-15T00:48:00.000+05:30

Hey Guys..
Latest album of Najam Shiraz / Pak singer.
The song making waves all over the music channels nowadays, not only for the music and the lyircs but also the video which has highlighted some social issues.
Do check it out. Lovely song.
===============================

raaste dekhe manzil na payi
saathi mile to par woh kali naa aayi
mere baahon me khilke woh phool ban jaati
in andhero se milke woh dhoop ban jaati

khwaabo k rishte he khwaabo me yaar
yeh kitaabo k kisse he bas kitaabon me yaar

hum doob jaate gar jaam hota
dekha majnoono ka agar anjaam hota
uski baahon me khilke woh phool jaati
un andheron se milti to dhoop ban jaati.

khwaabo k rishte he khwaabo me yaar
yeh kitaabo k kisse he bas kitaabon me yaar
khwaabo k rishte he khwaabo me yaar
yeh kitaabo k kisse he bas kitaabon me yaar

URL :
http://videozfirst.com/

That Somebody's Me

2008-03-31T20:15:00.000+05:30

Yet another Enrique number. My current fav. Mann this guy is too good. A song which is somewhat special. You can close your eyes and feel that pain in the words. And without doubt, the lyircs are just too good.
A song for that somebody. A message for that somebody --> That somebody's me.
Have fun people.
=========================================

You, do you remember me? Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone ....I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

[CHORUS]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it's gone
And I pray at night that our paths will soon cross
And what we had isn't lost
Cause you're always right here in my thoughts

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

You'll always be in my life Even if I'm not in your life
Because you're in my memory
You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me ...
That Somebody's Me...

URL : http://www.muvids.com/enrique_iglesias_videos/somebodys_me.html

The Request...

2008-02-27T01:33:00.000+05:30

My Dear heart,

There is something I must tell you
Hope you keep it between us, just me and you.
I know its going to be tough but I have to be bold.
There are lots of things to tell, so many more untold.

I know how much you love her, how much you have to say.
And how much you hope that she will be ours some fine day.
But day after day, night after night
My hopes fade away, but still I see her in ur sight.

While the wheels of my life keep on turning
The passion in you for her just keeps on burning
The life I have is so empty, so lonely.
But yet you keep thinking of her, thinking "if only-".

I cant stop you no matter how hard I try,
You dont seem to care for me, you dont see me cry.
But still I beg to you, dont ever say goodbye
You just live for her and slowly let me die.

I sometimes wonder, how much pain do you bear
You love her so so much, I would not dare
Can you do me a favor, can you help me out
Throughout my life, keep her in you, dont scream or shout.

Dont ever stop beating for her, even if I ask you to
If you stop beating for her, then stop beating for me too.

A Lamp and a Heart Beat...

2008-02-10T11:46:00.000+05:30

"Meet me at Mac D, sharp 3:00 PM. I will come to pick you up", Rishabh spoke on the phone.
"Sure, See you there", she replied dropping the call.
"What a Sweet voice.", Rishabh thought and smiled.

Rishabh was just like any other guy. With good friends around him, friends who loved him, others whom he loved. He had always so much to do, but so little time. Just like others, he too had dreams. He too had hopes. Like many others, he too wanted to become something. But ended up becoming something else. Like many others, he too had loved and lost. There was so much to talk, so much to speak, so much to discuss, so much to share. But there was no one to share it with. There was a sense of emptiness in his life. He wondered why he was feeling that
emptiness but he could not help it. It was there. It was this emptiness that forced him to call her up.

The Mac D was crowded as expected on a Sunday evening. There was a shopping mall nearby and loads of people around. She felt a bit uneasy as always. She hated crowded places. But she had got used to this. She was waiting for Rishabh to show up, searching for a blue Pulsar to stop near her. Five min later, it came

"Mona?", the man behind the helmet asked.
"Yes......Rishabh?", she counter questioned.
"Wow, she is looking so pretty.", he thought.
"Hop on!!", he said as the car behind started honking.

She wondered what today had in store for her as they drove off.

The bike stopped at CCD. "Lets grab a bite, I am famished.", he said removing his helmet.
"Wow!!" was the word which came to her mind on seeing him.
"So tell me more about yourself Mona", he asked biting the sandwich.

"Well, what do you want to know." was the reply.
"Anything and Everything...Where were you born, where did you grow up...anything....I would love to know....you can start by telling me your real name.", he said winking.
"So you dont think Mona is my real name?", she enquired.
"Maybe, it is. But something inside me tells me its not. Moreover, more than half the people on the website post fake names. And a girl as sweet as you must be having a really sweet name...i feel....not something extravagant as MONA!!"
She blushed. "My name is Sanika", she replied.
"Thats good. See i was right. Cute name indeed", he said winking. She was blushing all the more.

No one had spoken to her like this before ever. She felt free. She felt good. She felt she could open up her book of life to a stranger.There was something in him, which made her feel so. She felt she could trust him. Reason? She was not aware. But his eyes....it had so much of honesty and care in them with a tinge of naughtiness. She felt safe. She read out the pages of her life to him. He was a patient listener.

"......Well, thats its about me. Well , there is one more thing actually. I normally dont tell it to anyone. When I go home at the end of the day, I light a lamp in front of God and ask him to forgive me for all the sins I have done in the day. You might find it funny. But I do it.", She said ending her book of life so far.

"No...No ..I dont find it funny. Infact I find it quite interesting. Am sure he must be forgiving you.", he replied. She smiled.

"Should I ask him about him?", she wondered."Should I ask him, why he chose me. Should I ask him why he needed me here. No, I better not. What do I care. Tomorrow we will be on separate paths. Maybe later. No, No, it would get personal. I should not get personal."
"Heyy..whats up...what r u thinking so much?", he asked."huhhhh...no no...nothing...", she replied gathering herself and sipping her coffee.

Minutes later, they were on the bike again.

"So, where are we going now." she asked.
"Well, its only 4:00pm. We got a long way to go. I was thinking of catching a movie. What say?". She was now really surprised. "OK", she said smiling.

"Wait here, Lemme see if I can get the tickets."he said assuringly. Rishabh went and stood in a line. She was admiring him from far away. "Is this guy really that good? Or is he faking it? What does he really want? Why is wasting so much time? Does he like me? Or he would have done
this with any other girl? But he is a very nice guy. Or he is pretending to be one? Oh cmon, Sanika...Dont think so much...Just enjoy the moment."

"Hey, got the tkts 4:30pm show. The Lake House.That was the only thing available. The reviews were good in the papers. Hope you have not seen it already."
"No I havent", she replied.
"Good..Good..Cmon it starts any time now.

Seated inside, Rishabh was on the end seat in the row, with no one next to him. People were walking next to him and finding their seats. The movie started. The lights went dim. Slowly, he moved his face closer to her. She noticed it, but kept on looking straight at the screen. Her heart had started beating faster now.
"This guy is just like the rest. For Gods sake, the movie has not yet started. How can anyone be so desparate. All men are dogs...#$$%^& ", she thought. He moved towards her ear. He could smell her hair. They smelt good. She smelt good. He slowly whispered."Lets exchange seats".
She was taken aback. "Whaaa...whhhy...huhhh"?
"I dont want you to sit next to him." he said pointing his fingers at the guy seated next to her."Come on...Get up". She did so. She was smiling now.
"Hmmm...jealous already?", she said adjusting herself in her seat.
"Naah..not jealous...just like that....now shut up and watch the movie...Dont ask too many questions", he replied.
She was smiling all the more. "So this guy is not that bad. He is different."

The movie was good. With Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock as the leads, the performance was without doubt, excellent. The story was quite good too. It was about love. It was about two very lonely people, meant for each other but separated by time!! They lived two years apart in the same lake house. There was a mailbox through which they used to communicate.They say love dosent see age, love dosent see status ,love dosent have boundaries, but here they showed that love dosent even see time. It showed that sometimes waiting is the right thing to do.

Sanika felt so much connected to the movie. Even she was lonely. But unfortunately, love never came to her. She searched and searched, waited and waited, but it never came.
Was today the day, that wait was going to be over. Was Rishabh what she was searching for. Was Rishabh meant for her. Maybe no. Maybe Yes.

They came out. Rishabh was quiter. The naughtiness in his eyes seemed to have disappered somewhere in the dark cinema hall.There was a more serious look on his face. The movie seemed to have changed his mood.
"Come lets go", he said. Even his tone of voice had changed.
She followed, hopping on the bike again.

Minutes later, she felt the air suddenly getting a bit cooler. She noticed that the sea was nearby. They found a place to sit down. The sun was setting. The gentle breeze blowing the hair.The cold moist air on the face. The scent of freshly wet sand. The birds heading home. A ship on the horizon. It was fantastic. It was romantic.

But Rishabh was quiet.

"Should I ask him?, she thought. But before she could think further, he spoke out.
"Sanika, you have told everything about yourself to me. But you didnt ask about me", he asked. She was quite. He went on.
"You know what, I am a very lonely guy. Not that I have no one in the world or something. Ofcourse, I got friends and people around me. And when I am with them, I really enjoy sometimes. But there are times, when I feel alone even when a crowd is there. I got parents siblings who love me. I got a good job, make lots of money, yet I am not happy. You know there is a difference between lonliess and being alone. Being alone can be anytime when you are alone. I mean its a state of being. Loneliness can be a state of mind. You can be alone yet cannot be lonely. With me however, its not like that. I am lonely, very lonely, even when I am alone and even when I am not alone."

He stopped and looked at her. She was gazing at him. He smiled.
" I am sorry" , he said. "Sorry to bore you".
"No No, its ok. Go on. I am listening.", she replied.
"I hoped you would. I needed someone to speak to. Someone to open up to. Someone to share what I feel, someone to feel what I am going through."

Sanika took his hand in hers, smiled and said, " Go On, I am listening."

Rishabh was happy and continued to read out his book of life to her. He told all about himself. What he did. His lost loves. His old girlfriends who had married off to someone else. His dreams.
What he wanted to become. And what he ended up becoming. "My heart, Sanika. It dosent beat for anyone now a days. It has suffered so much pain. It has shattered so many times. Its so broken that it cant break anymore. It dosent beat anymore....It dosent beat anymore...", he said wiping out the tear which had managed to escape the prison of his eyes.

She put her hand on his shoulders and said, "It will".

They were such different persons, yet they had so much in common in a way. They both were lonely. They both needed someone. Yet they could not think of being with each other. Atleast she could not. He had finished what he had to say. He felt good. He felt lighter. As if a huge boulder from his head had been removed. He felt happy that he had called her. He looked at her. The sun had set. The moon had come out. The moonlight falling on her face. She was looking all the more beautiful.

"You know what Sanika", he said. "You are a good girl. She smiled.
"You wanna come over to my place", he asked her.

So this was it, she felt. One moment he is a angel and the next he becomes a devil. But he was not wrong. She had to surrender herself to him. She had somehow started liking him. He was different from other guys she had ever met. There was something in him which was making her allow herself to fall for him.
"OK", she said hopping on the bike again.

Sanika had closed her eyes. So many thoughts were going on in her head. What she didnt know was that even more were going on in his head.

The bike had stopped. She opened her eyes. But where were they? Back at MacD. He had brought her back to the place he had picked her from.

"Rishabh?", she enquired. "You are a good girl Sanika.", he said reaching out to his wallet.
"Here is your money", he said.

She stared at him. There was silence between them. All the noise around seemed to have gone. All the people, all the cars seemed to have stopped. Time seemed to have stopped.

"Rishabh", she started. "My life was dark, very dark. So dark that sometimes I myself would be so lost in it. I was living for the sake of living. I had lost my identity in the crowd. I had not been treated with so much respect ever. I had completely lost hope that humanity existed, that love existed. But I was wrong. You proved me wrong. But today was one of the best days of my life. I cant take the money. I wont take the money. I am going to change. I will find new ways to earn money. Thank you for giving me my life back."

And she walked off. She caught the nearest auto. " One more thing.", she said entering.
"I wont be lighting a lamp in front of God today".

Rishabh stood there with the money still in his hands.
He heard a heart beat.
It was his.

Pehli Nazar Me

2008-02-03T10:36:00.000+05:30

Another of my current favourite song. Atif Aslam at his best. At first I didnt find it that great, but the more I listened to it, the more it grew on me... Do chk it out.

URL : http://www.dhingana.com/album/hindi/latest/race-disk-1/2899

==============================

pehli nazar me kaisa jadoo kar diya
tera ban baitha he mera jiya.
jane kya hoga ...kya hoga... kya pata
is pal ko milke aa jile zara

me hu yahan...tu he yahan
meri baaho me aa...aabhi jaaa
oh jaane jaaa...dono jahan.....meri baho me aa...bhul jaaa
oh jaane jaaa...dono jahan.....meri baho me aa..bhul jaaa

baby i love you....baby i love you....baby i love you....baby i love you....sooo
baby i love you....oh i love you.....i love you...i love you soo...baby i love you....
-----

har dua me shaamil tera pyaar he
bin tere lamha bhi dushwaar he...
dhadhkon ko tujhse hi darkaar he
tujhse he raahate...tujhse he chahate

tu jo mili...ek din mujhe...
me kahin ho gaya... laapata
oh jaane jaaa...dono jahan.....meri baho me aa..bhul jaaa
oh jaane jaaa...dono jahan.....meri baho me aa..bhul jaaa
-----

kar diya diwana dard-e-khaas ne
chain chhina ishq k ehsaas ne
bekhayali di he teri pyaas ne
chhaya suroor he...kuch to zaroor he...

yeh dooriyaan...jine na de...
haal mera tujhe... na pataa
oh jaane jaaa..dono jahan.....meri baho me aa...bhul jaaa
oh jaane jaaa..dono jahan.....meri baho me aa..bhul jaaa

baby i love you....baby i love you....baby i love you....baby i love you....sooo
baby i love you....ooh i love you....baby i love you....

i love youuuu...

A part of me is gone . . .

2008-01-28T04:08:00.000+05:30

It was a beautiful night,
All the stars were in sight.
The moon was there too, a king on a throne,
Truly majestic, yet it so very alone.
The gentle breeze blowing through my hair.
All I could do was just stop and stare
at the beauty of your face,
Knowing I've left all time and space.
You looked at me for just that little while,
On my face it left a permanent smile.

Then something came over me,
A feeling of death, a parting of the sea.
Somehow I knew the journey was over,
The love is lost, just left to hover.
The destiny has finally run out,
My soul, it does scream and shout.
I've lost a even a friend on this date.
Paralyzed by lost love, now it's too late.

Have I done anything to make you flee.
Or are you done making use of me.
Should I have taken a stand.
This is something I truly don't understand.
Was I just a card for you to hold and win,
Or did you actually care deep within.
You've silently requested time apart,
To leave me with pieces of a broken heart.

Have you forgotten how to care,
To tell me you'll always be there
Now I do nothing but shun my feelings,
Letting my life just keep on wheeling.
I feel a part of me is gone,
I feel like the moon, so very alone.
Should I ever return to you in greed,
Will there ever be a time, when its me you would really need.

Do you have the answers to my questions,
Or should I leave and learn my lesson
I think I deserve better than this,
Eventhough it would be you, I'll always miss

I will always miss....
I will always miss....

JASHN - E - BAHARA

2008-01-25T08:51:00.000+05:30

My current Fav song.. very rhythmic, very solemnic, lovely lyrics.....calm. nice and slow just as I love it...

(kehne ko jashn e bahara he
ishq yeh dekh k hairaan he) x2
ful se khushboo khafa khafa he gulshan me
chupa he koi ranz fiza ki chilman me
saare sehme nazare he
soye soye waqt k dhaare he
aur dil me koi khoi si baate he
CH:
kehne ko jashn e bahara he
ishq yeh dekh k hairaan he
ful se khushboo khafa khafa he gulshan me
chupa he koi ranz fiza ki chilman me

kaise kahe kya he sitam
sochte he ab yeh hum
koi kaise kahe woh he ya nahi hamare
karte to he saath safar
faasle he fir bhi magar
jaise milte nahi kisi dariyaan ke do kinare
paas he fir bhi paas nahi
humko yeh ghum raas nahi
sheeshe ki ek diwaar he jaise darmiyaan
saare sehme nazare he
soye soye waqt k dhaare he
aur dil me koi khoi si baate he

Humne jo tha nagma suna
dil ne tha usko chuna
yeh daastan hume waqt ne kaisi sunai
hum jo agar he ghumgeen
woh bhi udhar khush to nahi
mulakato me he jaise ghul si gayee tanhayee
mil ke bhi hum milte nahi
khilke bhi gul khilte nahi
aankho me he bahare dil me khizaa
saare sehme nazare he
soye soye waqt k dhaare he
aur dil me koi khoi si baate he
kehne ko jashn e bahara he
ishq yeh dekh k hairaan he
ful se khushboo khafa khafa he gulshan me
chupa he koi ranz fiza ki chilman me

URL : http://www.dhingana.com/

TRULY MADLY DEEPLY...

2008-01-17T01:11:00.000+05:30

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong
I will be faithful
'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

Chorus:
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...

And when the stars are shining brightly

In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish
Send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy
For all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded
By the comfort and protection of..
The highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do...

----by SAVAGE GARDEN. URL : http://www.radioblogclub.com/open/153890/savage_garden_truly_madly_deeply/Savage_Garden_-_Truly_Madly_Deeply

Where is my ring?

2008-01-16T02:01:00.000+05:30

Aditya was nervous. "Hope everything goes as planned", he thought.

"Dont worry Sir. We have done this before", the manager of the hotel replied calmly.

"Oh Good. But there is this one thing I would like you to.......".

Aditya stopped seeing the door opening.

"Oh God, she is here!!!", Aditya rushed to his table.

"Positions...Take your positions", the manager ordered to the waiters.

Sakshi walked in. Aditya was awestruck. The breeze started blowing her hair. The waiters started playing violins. The hotel lights swtiched off, except one which was focussed on her. She was looking so lovely in the red evening gown she was wearing. Her eyes were searching for Aditya. Once they found him, the lips parted ways and that 'to-die-for' smile was full on display.
Aditya went "Haaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiii" in his mind.

"Hi!!" she said with the smile still on. Aditya gathered all his scattered senses and got up,"Hi". He went and pulled her chair back.

"Thanks for coming. Please sit down mudaaaaam ". She sat down giggling. Aditya signalled to the managers before taking his own seat. He looked up at her. She was looking even more lovely with the candle lights falling on her. Infact the candles were looking more lovely because of her. He was in his own thoughts.

"I love candle-light dinners", Sakshi said adjusting her gown.

"Yes, I know", Aditya gave a quick-blunt-silent reply ( almost a whisper ) looking in her eyes.

"Excuse me", she replied not able to hear what was being said.

"Uhhh...I mean, Oh is it?...Wow... me too. I mean even I luuuvvvee candle-light dinners too. Infact I love candle light breakfasts and lunches too", he replied in a fidgety manner.

"What?", she giggled again.

He blinked at her and joined in with a fake giggle, thinking, "Oh @#$%, kya bol raha he....control Aditya ...control...PJ mat maar."

"Good evening Sir. Good evening Madam. Here is our menu for tonight. I recommend you should try our Schezwan Cabbage Rolls.", the waiter said handing over the menu cards.

"Schezwan Cabbage Rolls...what the hell were that!!", Aditya wondered.
"Thank You Mark". Aditya replied.

"You know their names?", Sakshi enquired after the waiter left.

"Uhhgg...Yes..some of them. So how was your day today.", Aditya asked avoiding her further probing.

"Well...not too great. We had a ............." Sakshi went about telling the details of every little thing that happened with her. Aditya was only too happy to let her speak. This gave him a chance to stare at her non stop without her doubting. He cursed the waiter who butted in between to ask for the orders. But then again it was back to hearing her voice.
The food came, they ate. She kept on talking. He kept on listening. She was generally a very quiet person, but with people she knew, she could not stop exercising her mouth. Anyways, Aditya didnt mind. Time passed by in a jiffy.

Aditya looked at his watch. It was about time. He signalled the waiter who came up with a bottle of red wine. He had it poured in two glasses.

"Cheers", they said slowly sipping the drink.
After a few minutes, Aditya was looking at her, waiting for her to say something, waiting for her to react. But nothing was happening. Her drink was getting over. But she was not reacting. The waiter standing at a little distance was also surprised as to why she was not reacting.
"I guess I can have one more glass.", she said blinking at Aditya. Aditya was perplexed. He called the waiter who filled the glass again for her.

"Whatever happened to the ring", he thought. " Oh No!! Had she swallowed it?? ...NO she possibly cant. She would have realised. Had the waiters stolen it?..NO they couldnt, they were already paid for this. They could be trusted. Well then what happend to it. It cant just disappear in thin air or a hard drink."
"Excuse me Sakshi, will be right back", he said hurrying off to the loo, signalling the manager and waiter to join in.
"Where the #$%^ is the ring?", he thundered. " My whole plan is screwed up. A chance like this wont come again soon."
"Sir, we really dont know where it is. I had put it in the glass and poured the wine over it as u had ordered.", Mark said timidly.
"Sir, I dont suppose the lady would have swallowed the....", the manager said calmly."I hope not", said Aditya dejected. "Aaahhhgg....forget it now ...when she leaves....you guys are going to help me find the ring and if you dont find it, you will have to pay for it." Aditya was furious now.
He had waited so long for this moment. He knew that Sakshi too loved him. It was just the proposal to be made and then it was going to be Happiees Endingss for them. But now a chance like this was never going to come again and if it did, it would not have the same effect, the same punch.
"Bring the bill in 5min after I sit down.", Aditya said leaving.

"Are you OK Adi? You look tensed", Sakshi asked as he settled down.

"No No, everything is juuuusst fine", Aditya said sipping his wine in one gulp.Sakshi was still looking at him.

Aditya was puzzled. There was something in his mouth. It was hard. It had come along with what he had just drank.
"Oh NO!!, the ring!!....The damned waiter exchanged the glasses. And now its in my mouth. Holy Cow....", he thought.

"Guess its getting late, we better leave", Sakshi said picking her purse.

"YESSHHHH...AAI SSSHINK VEE SSSHHHUUUD", Aditya replied.

Sakshi looked back at him, with amazement.
"Should I remove it now. NO ..i better not in front of her. Mann it would look cheap...", Aditya thought.

"By the way Adi, did i tell you that you are looking very handsome today with the tuxedo on", Sakshi commented.

"Hmmm.." he replied. " ZZZAAANK UUUU".
"Now why are you putting up a french accent Adi? But you know what U look cute when you speak like that".
"Ya right", Aditya thought."Try speaking with the ring in your mouth for the entire life. But for you my love, I wouldnt mind it."
"Hmmm..", he replied again adjusting the ring inside his mouth.

As she turned around to leave, he quickly removed the ring and put it in his pocket.

Outside the hotel, he wondered, "should he propose to her now?...Yes...the timing is superb....No...it wouldnt be that romantic. Maybe he should just go down on his knees, and ask for her hand..that would be super-romantic.....but on the footpath!!...NO that would not be a good place....Sheeeesh...Plan screwed up. Dont know when will i get a chance like this again. Damn the waiters, damn the hotel, damn the manager, damn the wine glass, damn my luck...".

"What are you thinking so much Adi?" , she enquired.
"Me..no nothing. uhh...Should I drop you home?", he asked.

"NO yaar, its ok. I can manage.", she replied.

She sat in the cab.

"Chalo bye. Thanks for the everything. It was a lovely evening. I had a nice time. Give me a ring later. Good night.", she said.
Aditya looked up. "Did she know?...No.. No..No Adi...She meant a phone call".
"Yes sure, Will give you a ring later.", he reiterated the statement stressing on the word 'ring', thinking, " Hope that "later" comes "sooner"!!"
The cab left.

Aditya rushed back to the hotel. "Where is Mark?", he thundered. Mark was taken aback.

"Dude....you put the wrong glass in front of her!!". Then he turned towards the manager and said," You were right about the swallowing part. Except it would have been me who would have swallowed it.", he said removing the ring from the pocket.
"This ring meant so much to me", he said lifting it in front of the managers face." And you have screwed everything BIG TIME. Now since my plans has been spoilt, I need my refund for the....". He stopped.

He looked at the thing he was holding in his hand. It was a ring for sure. But it was not his. It was not the one he had bought for her.
His cell rang. "Sakshi calling..."
"Hello", he picked up.
"Give me a ring later", she said giggling. The waiters too were smiling now.
Slowly Aditya realised what had happened.
"I love you Adi. Would you like to...." , Sakshi asked.
Aditya was short of words. He didnt know what to say."Yes" ...he interupted smiling. Sakshi was smiling at the other end of the line too.
"Well, where is a ring for me then", Sakshi said. Her voice was so clear as if it came from somewhere nearby. He turned and found her standing right behind him.
He was too shocked to say anything. Do anything. Think anything.
Mark came up to him, removed a ring from his pocket and said,"Sir, here is your ring. We are sorry sir, but madaaaam paid us more to do this.", he said smiling.
They slipped the rings into each others fingers and the kiss came without a second thought.
The breeze was blowing, the violins were playing, all the lights were off, except a light blue one focussed on them.

Happieesss Endingss.....

Provoked by ? ---part 1

2008-01-13T10:33:00.000+05:30

I was out for the evening jog in the nearby garden, when I heard someone calling me. "Jonty!!....Jonty!!". It had been a long time, since anyone has called me by that name. The last time I remember someone used that name was way back in school. People now use my original name, Jonathan.

I turned around, the shout was coming from a guy on a bike nearby. I couldnt see his face with his helmet on. I stared at him curiously. He got down and started hurrying towards me.

"Jonty, my bro, what a surprise. So nice to see you ", the stranger said coming nearer.

I had that " who the hell r u" expression on my face. Also he had addressed me as bro. For a moment i wondered... did I have a brother?... No...It was just me and 2 female pranksters as my siblings. My expression still remained the same. Seeing that the guy said," Oh Sorry!!" and removed his helmet.

"Oh My God!!", i exclaimed. He was no stranger.

"Altaf!!!!!!, Hiiii". The bear hug came instantly.

Altaf had left school in the 8th standard. His dad got a transfer to Ooty. So it must have been like 10 years since we had seen each other. I remember Altaf as this timid weakling. Possibly the thinnest guy in school, who was quiet, shy, reserved, introvert of sorts, all to himself most of the times. Very calm. He never got intimidated by anyone or anything. If people passed comments on him, teased him, he would never attack back. Just remain quite. This was what I liked about him. He was a bookworm to the core and studies were his only and main concern. He was not much into sports except this one thing. The 100m dash. He was the undefeated champion. A gold medal to him was gauranteed everytime he ran those 100m. That was all he took part in and he always won.

But looking at him now. A six feet 3 inches hulk with those bulging muscles, chieseled looks. He would give any bollywood actor a 'run' for his money. And speaking of "run", he would def win here again too.!!

We went to the nearby hotel to have a chai and a chat!! We talked a lot about the school days, about him, about me, about the good old teachers, about the not so good teachers, crushes, sports events, friends, possibly everything we could think of.

He was working for an MNC in Mumbai and unfortunately resting those legs of his, which were made to run. He had come to Pune for a few weeks on some official training. We spent a lot of time together for the next few days. Hung out a lot, caught on the old times. There was so much to discuss everytime we met. It was good to see him after a long time. But there was something, which had changed in him . Something which made me look at him as if he was not the same Altaf I knew. It was something inside him. He had become a bit more aggressive. His attitude towards life, with people had changed. Many situations made me realise it.

Situation 1:
We had gone to Lonavala on a weekend. There was a lot of rush that day in the train. We climbed and started searching for seats. There was a seat where a middle aged guy (probably his dad's age) was sitting. There were bags kept on the seat.
"Anyone sitting here?" , asked Altaf.
"yes.....they are coming. Two people.", replied the man.
Altaf understood something was fishy. He said,"When they come, we will get up." and tried to sit.
"Arey baba, they are coming. Go sit there", he said pointing to an empty seat in the adjacent area.
"Chal yaar Altaf, wahan baithte he", I said interrupting and caught the seat.
We both adjusted and sat down on a seat where only one person could sit.
"These guys, dont know whether they are lying or telling the truth.", he was a bit upset.

As the train started, the cool breeze calmed him down and the beautiful view outside soon got us into the "chat" mode again.

Later, Altaf got up to go to the loo. He saw that same guy sleeping on the entire seat with his bag made as a pillow and feet outside the window. Thats when I saw Altaf's facial expression change in a zippy. He rushed straight towards that man, hit him, woke him up and shouted,
"Where are those two more people who were going to come?".
Before the guy could respond anything. I saw Altaf going on hitting that man till he bled. It was only when I and a couple of passengers on board stopped him, did he stop.

This was not the Altaf I knew. The Altaf I knew used to offer his own seat to anyone he felt would need it more than him. But what I saw left me shocked.

Situation 2:
We went to a shop to buy some clothes. Altaf asked for a red colored shirt, party wear. The shopkeeper removed a shirt and showed it to him.
"Aur he kya?", Altaf asked like any other customer would.
The guy removed 3-4 red shirts and said." This is all we have."
His tone of voice was not very good.I saw Altaf's eyebrow twitch.
"Can i try them and see.", he asked later.
"Sab mat try karo, shirts gande ho jayenge" was the reply.
Altaf was still quiet. He was biting his teeth hard. I cud see blood rushing to his face.
He didnt try them. Just held them in front of him and a look in the mirror.
"Aur kuch designs he to batao?" he asked one last time.
" Nahi he. Bolo to aapke liye specially banau kya?" the shopkeeper smirked.

The next thing I know is that the shopkeeper had a black eye. and blood running down from his nose and me dragging Altaf out from the shop, before we got into trouble.

Situation 3:
It was a sunday, and we decided to "cook" something in my house. We went to the market to get the things. We stopped by an onion vendor.
"Kitne ke he?", Altaf asked.
"12rs", he replied.
Altaf started putting the onions on the basket, choosing them carefully to see if they had not been spoilt or anything. Everyone does that, i believe.
But then the vendor said," Itna time to doctor bhi nahi leta, patients ko check karne ko".
This was targetted at Altaf. He knew it. I knew it.

Whack...He threw that basket full of onions on the vendor face. The basket ripped of some of his facial skin and the onions were all over the ground. Before he could do anything further, I stopped him and dragged him away. The vendor was shouting foul words now. Altaf forced himself free from me and ran towards the vendor and Wham!!. A punch on his cheek. The vendor collapsed on the ground and skeltered away. I forced Altaf before things went out of hand.

These were just three of the situations. There were many more. It was not that he started the fights. He was provoked in a way. But if it was the old Altaf, the one I knew back in school. He would have remained quite in all these situations. So what was it that had made him change. Who is this new Altaf. What is it that makes him angry and loose his cool.

"I dont know Jonty", he said. "I know I have changed. I know I tend to get angry nowadays more often. I dont know why. But there is one thing. Your old Altaf is still there inside man. That Altaf goes home and before he sleeps, he recollects every moment and then cries. He feel he should not have done what he did. He is such a weakling, a helpless soul, that he needs someone to protect him, someone to support him, someone to help him emotionally, physically, mentally. Thats when the Altaf you see outside shapes up."

Seeing the worried look on my face, he said, "Dont worry Jonty, I aint suffering from split personality or something. Its just me." , he said laughing.
"I have fulfilled the physical protection part," he said showing off his biceps in pride.
"However, the emotional void still remains buddy." , he said in a subtle way.
"OKKK....", I said smiling. "Time for you to speak up now. Who's the girl".
"Ask Who was the girl", he replied giving a sad smile.

TO B CONTD.