fir se aankh me aansu he aya...

har din uthke bas aapka hi khayal aata he
har raat me aapki yaadein basti he
haath jab pakadte he aap humara kaske
saari pareshaniyaaan door hoti he

zindagi me aake saari khushiyaan bhar di aapne
dheere dheere saare ghum ko mere mita daala
pyaar kab hua aapse, pata bhi nahi chala humko
aankho se aisa kya jadoo chala dala

bhool gaye duniya ki rasmo ko, chalte rahe us raah par befiqr hum
bichadne ka khayal nahi sochkar, bas aur kareeb ate rahe hum
dil ki awaaz to pehle se sun li thi, aankho se bayan jo kar chuke the
pyaar ka izhaar bhi der se kiya, par sab kuch pehle se jaan chuke the

baahon me aakar aapke, saari duniya bhul jaate he hum
kuch dhyaan nahi rehta, kuch yaad karna nahi chahte he hum
khwaabon me aksar, paa lete he aapko bahut kareeb
khuda se bhi jyada, ishq karne lage aapse hum

 

mohabbat ke dekhe he humne bahut saare nazare
par aapne jo dikhaya use kaise bhool payenge hum
maut bhi aayegi bulane agar aapke ishare par
to uske saath khushi khushi chale jayenge hum

kaandhe par sar rakh ke, jab bhi roya aapne
dil se lagakar, aansuon ko aapke pi bhi liya
har waqt saath diya he aapka humne
baaho me aapke, humne bas jee bhi liya

humne itni mohabbat ki he aapse, itna pyaar tha jataya
fir kyoun zindagi denewale ne, fir se hume usi mukaam par laya 

jahan sirf tanhayee aur ghum ka saaya he chaya

dard ne dil ki deewar pe firse ek aanch he laya

                                                                 
kaash aisi duniya hoti, jahan jalta sirf humare pyaar ka diya
badal barsate phool humpar, kabool karte haath aapka
koi kaata na chubta hume, koi shaqs beech me na aata
zindagi khushiyon se bhar dete hum, kabhi na bichadta saath aapka

woh pyaar hi kya jise majboor kiya jaaye
zabardasti se jisko dil me utara jaaye
pyaar to woh hota he jo bas ho jaata he
chupke se joh dhadkan me sama jaata he

ab khade he us mod pe hum fir se, jahan raasta alag ho chala
kaise chod denge haath aapka, kaise bhul payenge bhala
dhadkan ban gayee ho, jaan meri, dil me bas aapko hi paya
fir se kuch toot raha he andar, fir se aankh me aansu he aya... 

fir se aankh me aansu he aya.. 
fir se aankh me ..

Those 3 words...

Mihir woke up even before the alarm clock could ring. This was happening for quite many days now. Today, was just like any other day with her thought being the first to come in his mind. But he had to do it. He had to tell her how he felt. For better or worse, he had to. An hour later, he got ready and drove to her house without having a clarity of what and how he was going to tell her.

"Hey Chandni, I am standing below your house. Can we talk.", said Mihir with a trembling voice.
"Mihir !.. what happened. Is everything all right", replied Chandni concerned.
"Yes, can you come down for a few minutes.......please", Mihir added that please in desperation.
"OK be there in 5min" was the reply.

5min. Mihir had just 5min to think about what he was going to say about how he was feeling. He tried hard to make up sentences or gather his thoughts but he was not able to. Before he could properly finish one sentence in his head, Chandni up right in front of him.

"Hi Mihir", she said.
"Hey babyyyy...i mean Chandni", he replied correcting himself drowning yet again in her beauty.
"What happened Mihir?",she said concerned.
"Well...about what is happening between us.", Mihir started coming straight to the point.
"This awkwardness. This uneasiness. This mess up. Its killing me everyday, every min. I cant seem to stop thinking about it. I just needed to talk to someone about it. And i could not find anyone but you. So please just listen" , Mihir said his voice shaking a bit.

Chandni looked at him and said, "Go on Mihir, I am listening".

Mihir and Chandni were together for over a year. What started as friendship suddenly evolved into a feeling connecting their hearts together in an inseparable way. It took Mihir a lot of time to put all his past behind and finally tell Chandni, one day, whispering in her ears as she slept on his lap, those 3 words. 
But with the situation they were in, they always knew that it was going to be tough. Being together was easy. Staying together was the tough part. Both their families were very orthodox and convincing them was without doubt an impossible task. It was not even worth trying because they knew the answer they were going to get. A "No". And it was not worth broadcasting to their friends, so they had to keep it between themselves about what they had, how they felt for each other. But still they were together trying to live in the moment. Trying to extract every bit of happiness they could... for as long as they could. But as fate would have it, every thing has an expiry date and their relationship was no different. One fine day, they decided that they needed to put an end to all this. They needed to break up for the sake of everyone's happiness. Their parents were already searching for their respective life partners and it would break ones heart as and when the other got their "fixing" done with someone else. So they could not drag what they had to the last day because they knew it would hurt a lot. So they decided that they had to stop seeing each other. They had to be friends once again. But things got complicated when Zaheer, her friend proposed to her on the very day of their break up. Mihir hated him. 
"What did you tell him", Mihir had asked Chandni desperation in his voice.
"I just told him, i  need time", she had replied.
"Well. ok. I am happy for you. He is good. Your families know each other and he loves you very much and he will take care of you nicely.", Mihir had replied with a pain in his heart.
"But i love you Mihir", she replied crying.
"Heyyyy its ok. Everything will be fine.". Mihir said wiping her tears and hugging her in his arms.
A month had passed and here Mihir was standing in front of Chandni wondering how to continue further.

"OK...let me begin right from the start. The first day we met. I was already heartbroken from my past. Everything around me seemed meaningless and dark till I saw you. You were the light which could save me from how i was feeling....lost. Your hair, your smile, your eyes, just seeing you was enough to bring a smile on my face. You were like a breath of fresh air when i feel choked up. But i took it slowly. I controlled myself. I didnt want to spoil the friendship. I enjoyed your company. I loved that child in you and I respected that mature woman in you as well. You were the most beautiful, most understanding and most perfect gf or wife anyone could have. And I really wished we could marry each other. But I knew it was going to be tough. Thats the reason I could not say those 3 words to you for a long long time, even though I knew deep inside how I felt and how you felt. But then when we decided not to see each other anymore, thats when i realised how much you were a part of my life already and how much I would be missing you.", Mihir said in one breath.

Chandni was listening patiently. "Mihir", she said trying to convince him that it is too late.

"Just listen..please.", Mihir said with his eyes getting moist. "It hurts Chandni. I am sorry but it really hurts deep deep inside seeing you with Zaheer. You know how much I hate that guy. There are some people you just hate for no particular reason and he was one of them. And it really hurts me to see the one person I loved so much with the one person I hate so much. And all this happened right after our breakup, which hurts even more. I did not have time to recover. You stiched up my broken heart but the stiches are tearing up again and the wound is opening up again and the pain is coming back again. I feel life has gone a full circle and my life has ended up on the same point before I found you. The same lonely, confused, meaningless life. Its too dark once again and i dont have a light to take me out. I dont have anyone to wake up for each day. Everything i do seems meaningless. Life itself seems a formality. Huh... I know I am strong, I always have been, but loosing you in this way slowly and in front of my eyes....just rips my heart out.....i feel breathless.....choked up....the heart feels so heavy and the throat goes dry and the tears dont stop and the mind is in pain. All the fking time.", Mihir said clinching his fist hard and hitting his forehead.

"Mihir...please", Chandni replied.

"Wait wait.. i havent finished yet", replied Mihir taking a deep breath. "I know all that I have said is only from my point of view about how I feel and about how I see it. But i also understand your side. I thought about it a lot. We both always knew that our relationship was going to hit the wall someday. I thought about an opposite scenario. What if Zaheer had not proposed to you. What if some other girl would have proposed to me on the day of our breakup. Someone who loved me very much and someone you hated. How would I feel then looking into her eyes and not able to truly love her the way I loved you but still thinking about giving it a chance. But if you really want to know how I feel, try to imagine how would you feel then... seeing me in another girls arms immediately after our break up. Wouldnt it hurt you as well." , Mihir paused as tears rolled out of his eyes. He covered his face with his hands trying to think about what he was going to say next.

"Yes it would very much", Chandni replied calmly. Her voice filled with pain.

"Exactly. This is how i feel. But having said that. I thought about it and I am happy for you in a way. Its good that you found someone before me. Its good that "I" am the one who has to go through the suffering and pain of seeing his love being taken away like this and not "you". I am experienced in all this and have seen it, suffered it before. Trust me, its really painful and I am sure you would not have been able to bear the pain. SO good that he proposed to you, i know his expression of love is different from mine, more filmy, more materialistic, more to do with things that can be seen or touched first ...rather that can be felt first, but he was always a showoff anyway and thats why I hated him," Mihir said smiling.

Chandni broke a smile too. A mixed emotion actually , a forced smile which comes when u want to wrap up the sadness.

"But please please please dont just rush into things. Be clear of how you really feel and what you really want. Dont just fall for someone because they proposed to you. Fall for someone when you really feel it inside your heart. Fall for someone whom you love too. Dont jsut think that 'ok, this is a person I can live my life with' and marry someone. Ask yourself, \is this the person i cannot live my life without' and marry him instead. Ok having said that, I thought about it and thought and thought that the only thing that matters to me is to see you smile ...oh what a beautiful smile you have....and be loved and for you to be happy. So if there is some guy out there who would give you all that,(even if he is the guy I hate), I should not interfere right. I should let you go right? ", Mihir said pausing for breath before continuing.

 "I just wonder why does it always have to be me all the fking time to make such a sacrifice over and over and over again. Why cant for once I get someone who I really want. Why is it me who has to be the great lover who sacrificed his love for someone else. Who sacrificed his happiness for the person he loved. Why is it me who has to suffer that unbearable pain to see ones love in someone elses arms. But then the fact is. This is it. I am cursed. My life will always be like this. People will come in it and be there with me, pull me from all the misery, give me all the happiness and just when i think that everything is going to be allright, life will put me back in misery again, snatch away everything that belongs to me. Its like a never ending repeating process. And i am TIRED of it. Tired of all the emotional baggage and the mental trauma associated with all this. I am tired of getting hurt again and again. I wish there was a switch inside me which I could just turn off forever and not feel anything.... for anyone.... anymore.... ever again. I wish", Mihir said feeling better now, having let go of what he had been holding on to for a month now.

Chandni was looking at him with tears in her eyes. She didnt know what to say. She had two guys with her. One whom she loved and who loved her back very much, but whom she could not marry. And the other who loved her very much and whom she could marry. But was this really the guy for her. Why could not she feel the same way when he said those 3 words to her, the way she felt when Mihir said it. Why could not she feel the same way, when he held her hand, or touched her, the way she felt when Mihir did the same.Could one day, would she be able to love Zaheer the way she loved Mihir. Thinking practically and from the family's perspective Zaheer was the guy she could live with, but would he ever be the guy whom she could not live without. She thought about it a lot.

"I am sorry Mihir", was all she could utter though with Mihir staring at her.
 
"Its ok. Everything is cool. Just wanted to tell you this", Mihir said feeling lighter now. "Well, be happy dear, God bless you with all the happiness. Oh yes, there is one more thing. I got a new job in Mumbai. So would be moving there in a few days. Perhaps its a good thing. Perhaps not seeing you around would ease some of my pain and i hope the other way round too. Tell you later about it. Have to go now."., Mihir said as he drove away as Chandni watching him till he disappeared around the curving road, her heart feeling a weird kind of pain.

TO BE CONTD...

The Trip...

"Get up little bro", Sam said hitting Jim on the back of his head. 
"Pack your stuff soon, we are leaving in 15min for Goa, and YOU are coming with us."
 
Jim woke up rubbing and hiding his eyes, sore and red from the previous nights crying and sobbing.His girlfriend had just ditched him for another guy. But he had not told anyone about it. 

"Huh... no Sam, its 'your' trip with your 'your' friends... what will i do there", replied Jim trying to avoid being dragged into this trip. At this moment in his life, all he needed was some peace and alone time to think things through.
 
"Oh Come on ! ... your are talking as if u dont know them, as if you have never been out with us before, cmon man...NO more questions and just pack your things quickly, dont make us wait. See you down in 15min, not a min more. Now HURRY up you dickhead", replied Sam packing the last few things of his own as he spoke.

A few hours ride in the bus and Jim was already feeling weird. He was in a relationship for more than a year now. He loved Nidhi so much, but somehow somewhere things dont go as you plan and Nidhi soon realised that only love is not enough. If life is to be lived, love can be put aside for more materialistic things and that is what everyone does and so did she. She tried hard to explain to Jim, but getting your heart broken was really quite painful for a guy like Jim.
 
Sam and his friends were at the back of the bus, singing along, hurling abuses at each other.
Jim forced a smile. "It works really", Nidhi had told him once. "When you feel sad, all you need to do is force a smile on your face and your brain will release happy hormones", she had said.
Jim forced his smile wider, looked outside the window. The bus speeding past the green canopy and the fresh breeze hitting his face, blowing his hair, as if trying to wash away all the memories of Nidhi from his head. He was feeling better now. Jim lost track when his eyes had shut and they reached Goa a few hours later.
 
It was bright and hot as usual and they were thristy already.
"Sam, lets go drink something. I am thirsty. I think I saw a fruit juice centre at the corner", Jim said unloading his bags. Sam and his buddies started laughing loudly as soon as Jim had finished.
"Dude, you dont come all the way to Goa just to fruit juice, here we are going to have different kind of juices", Sam said winking at his buddies who were leaving out for a smoke.
"Now, come on, we are heading for the beach, Change soon.", Sam replied. Jim was not feeling too enthu about this trip. As he was slowly unpacking stuff.
"Hurry up Jim, and just forget her man, shit happens."Sam said startling him.
"huhhhhh... How did you know", Jim asked surprised and a bit angry.
"I am your brother dude, now dont feel sad and all, let it go", Sam replied.
Jim threw his shirt banging on the bed hard more angry with himself for not able to control his own emotions.
"DONT tell me what to feel, all my fking life people have been telling me i do things wrong that i am the fking asshole...even she said it once ....and i look around and i see everybody else are more infintely fked up than i am, all your friends and even you Sam, even you", Jim said now on his knees near the bed.
Sam smiled came to him and pressed both his hands on Jim's cheeks and ear tightly and looked straight into his eyes and said "Let it go, bro". And walked outside with his friends for a quick smoke.

The beach was crowded, people seemed to have descended from everypart of the world here. Sam and his friends were already in the water for a swim. Laughing screaming splashing water on each other. Jim followed them carefully inside. A few minutes in the water and he really felt relaxed. "Let it go, bro", Sams words kept ringing inside his ears as he took deep breaths. Fun, laughter, abuses, sun tan, waves, and a nice view all around made him feel better, much better now. 

Time soon passed and the sun began to set. In a few hours, Jim found himself sipping from a coconut after having survived the relentless persuasion from all of Sam's friends to try beer or feni or any other thing they were offering. It was only after Sam's intervention that his friends shut up. They were around a bonfire watching the sun go down, holding onto their beer bottles and just staring blankly at the sea.

"This is life", one of his friend said."the 3 Bs... Beer Babes and Beaches".
"Fuck you man, you are high.", replied Sam.
"Alcohol is poison", replied another taking one large gulp himself.
"Then why do you drink it?", Jim interuptted him and everyone just stared as if since he spoke after a really long time, and also because none of them could think of a proper answer.
"Because there are things inside us, we want to kill", replied Sam in one go.

"yaa", "cheers to that" ,"You rock Sam", echoing in the background.

"When you find that one person who connects you to the world...you become someone different..someone better but when that person is taken away from you...what do you become then?", Jim continued.
"Dude, when your cellphone connection or reception is not good, what do you do then, just get a new connection dude", replied one.
"i didnt understand which connection are we talking about", replied another.
"Airtel, Vodafone, Idea", replied the third.
"kismat konnection", replied the fourth.

"HAHA" "Awesome" " Pathetic" " Abey Chu ", echoing in the backgrond.

"OH SHUT UP all of you." ordered Sam. "Jim, bro, look around, what do you got to feel miserable about", Sam replied pointing to the beach, the waves, the sky above their heads and nice hot looking firang babes walking around in bikinis on the beaches. .
"THIS is enuf ?" , he said.
"Welcome to the world where time stands still, where beer flows and always will
where there is no pain and your heart never aches, and you can fuck till your dick's content",
Sam replied in a very shakespearen tone. 

"Bravo" , " "WOW that was awesome" "i love u sam" " GAy sala" echocing in the background.

Jim went quiet.Sam put a hand on his shoulder and spoke. 
"Look bro, life is a bitch, it will keep throwing you in situtaions like the one you are facing, but come on, everyone has gone through it, I have, all these bastards have too at one point or another", he said pointing to his friends. "But that does not mean you can give up on life, The girl left you for someone else, so ? You had your special moments right? The important thing is that you had her in your life. The duration is really not in your hands. People come and go. Very few stay. Look at all of us here. At this moment of time, we are here together sipping on beer, five years from now, i am sure we all will be in different places. Life is such bro. Change is inevitable. There is no thing as one love or true love. Love is what we make it to be. Love is what we build, it does not self create itself. As a matter of fact, i sometimes doubt if there is such a thing called love at all, from the way I see it, it is mostly something of a habit. You get used to seeing someone everyday, meeting someone everyday, that you become habituated to her and then that is what we mistake to be love. Well, that is my version of it. Even if there is something called love, you should be happy that you got it.  You loved her with all your heart right, well she would be the one who would be missing you and your true love, not the other way round, so move on buddy."

There was an awkward silence which followed.
Jim trying to figure out if this was Sam talking or his beer.
Sams friends were trying to figure out what was being said, it was too much of an information to handle when their processors had been slowed down due to the beer.
Finally they spoke .

"Wow.." "Awesome" "You are high dude" "what the fuk was that" echoing in the background.

"Yaa Jim, just forget her man", replied one lying on his back staring at the sky.
"yaa look around, there are so many fishes in the sea", replied another
"yaa one train goes, another comes", replied the third
"yaa one goes ... uhhh ... " the fourth got stuck.
"HAHAHA...he is high." "HAHAHAH" ... Jim laughed at that too.
"Shut up assholes, i am trying to remember".
"HAHAHHAHAHAH ".... more laughter followed.

"haan... one girl goes, another girl comes, so forget the girl like i did", the fourth finally managed to utter something.
"its not so simple, but he will one day,  what was your story bevde?:, Sam asked him.
"Hmmm .. well buddy she wanted something different in a relationship"
"What did she want", Jim enquired.
"Me"
what did you want", Jim enquired again now confused.
"Me"..."And we both could not have ME".

Roars of laughter filled the night air and this time Jim joined in too.

"This is the first time you smiled since morning bro, cheers to that", Sam replied banging his beer bottle to the coconut Jim was holding.
"Sam ... Sorry about the outburst this morning", Jim said.
"Hey come on little bro", Sam replied. Always there for you.
"Can i have a sip", Jim asked pointing to the bottle Sam was holding onto.
Sam was surprised,"You sure", he asked.
"Yes man, life is too short to miss out on all the fun", Jim replied.
"well.. ok, but first you need to throw your stupid coconut away.", Sam replied leaving other laughing.

As the sun set down, Jim thought to himself. " Tomorrow is another day , A new start, A new life", he said sipping on the beer, feeling at peace finally.

This funny thing called life...

I see it everyday what lies ahead of me
out of my control, wanting to be free
I know I will miss it, but I have to let go
Wish there was some other way, a reason to say no.

Why does it hurts a lot, a weird pain in the heart

Seeing it being taken way like this, slowly apart

but if this is it, if it is meant to be

I hand it over to faith, surrender to destiny.

But then what is left of me, a confused soul
No where to hide, no purpose, no goal
I long for a look, a glance, a consoling feeling
But I find none, this awkardness is killing.

When days seem to have lost all meaning

And at nights one just feel like screaming

What is it that decides the path ahead

What choices can we make when chances are dead.

I often ask myself why does it happen so
People come closer, and then farther they go
What fun does HE see, what does HE really gain
By breaking thy heart in such a way, again and again.

I feel its pain, the suffering and the misery

But the choice has to be made, since future is a mystery

For its happiness always, the decisions are made

An effort to forget all the things done and said.

Ohhh .. tears shall fall, and wounds shall open wide
Memories shall fade away, and i will soon be aside.
The heart wants to hold on, but the mind is sane
This funny thing called life, driving itself insane.

Lovers... Forever...

Can you love someone your entire life
My friend asks his soon to be wife.
Yes, she answers, it is often true
Love cant be measured like this ocean blue

Love is what lovers make it to be
A lot of fun, a pinch of jealousy
Lovers define and live by their own rules
To hell with the world and those of old schools

Lovers just think of each other all the time
That feeling cannot be defined, difficult to mime
Crazy as it sounds, this world will say
Lovers always often seem to find a way

Two souls trapped in each other forever
Love they say will never die ever
Secrets and Moments all cherished close to the heart
Distance and time can never make lovers go apart.

Seasons will change and Life will go on
Lovers can never be apart, till a new dawn
No matter what obstacles will come, they shall fight
They think of each other all through the night

To miss someone so much is not a crime.
True love does not fade with time.
It will give joy and little bit of pain
But its something which will always remain.

Only the lucky ones get true love, everyone cant
Coz deep inside they know what they really want
with life, Destiny and Fate shall always play
No matter what happens, True love will never go away.

Its Wierd...

Its wierd... that feeling.
Like the world around you looses its meaning
Like the very existence seems so demeaning
That feeling when you loose the only thing thats worth to you.

Its wierd... that feeling
Like being tied by hands to something unknown
Like being helpless and in agony, but never making it shown
That feeling when you know you cant have what is right next to you.

Its wierd... that feeling.
Like a stab in the heart, causing unbearable pain
Like a choke in the throat, causing breathing to go insane
That feeling when someone you love is taken away from you.

Its wierd... that feeling
Like wanting something you can never really have
Like trying to change something you never really cant
That feeling when you know you can only watch it go away.

Its wierd... that feeling
Like you enjoy the mental trauma that shows its face
Like you love the suffering from it with grace
That feeling of being high on the things that make you low.

Its wierd... that feeling
Like your heart stops beating in that one special way
Like your mouth keeps shut, when you have so much to say
That feeling when you have a chance, but cannot make a choice

Its wierd... that feeling
Like your life is taking you to a land unknown
Like fate and destiny destroy the plan you have grown
That feeling when everything around you seems to crumble

Its wierd... that feeling
Like you need peace when there is so much turmoil in your head
Like you need to be alone even when at places crowded
That feeling when you just stare at something which is inside you.

Its wierd... that feeling
Like even though your path is lost and have nothing to gain
Like even though hope is crushed and memories remain
That feeling stays for someone special till very last breath

Its wierd... that feeling.

Incomplete Stories...

My heart was broken, shattered and in pain
she came to heal it, wanting nothing to gain
when I had a doubt, a problem that would bother
she always lended a ear, and my thoughts would gather

I see it in her eyes, the way she looks at me

waiting to unlock my heart, she awaits with a key

I wish I could fulfill all the wishes she holds

but I can only pray to the heaven, to the gods

What is it that makes her special I wonder
her beauty, her innocence, her smile I ponder
Like a fresh breeze that brushes the face
she has her own charms, carries them with grace

I have no strength to fight, for love if it is so

want to hold life's hand, travel where it wants me to go

I know I cant have her, sometimes I wish I could

she knows it too, together we would have been good.

But try as we might to take some bold actions
Life will make us walk in different directions
owing to certain norms that have been put in place
they interfere in what could have been, nothing but solace

Its hard to describe what feelings exists inside

when hands are held and when we walk beside

But love has to surrender to love of a different kind

perhaps we meet in next life, or where our hearts bind

Life has been a puzzle, one which I could never solve
only good thing which happens, is that I evolve.
To the future that awaits, I say bring it on
the present is all I care about, the past is long gone.

People will come and leave, but life goes on

never looking back, we walk to a new dawn

The heart will cherish the moments, memories will be heard

Incomplete stories... like these... will forever be remembered.