Homecoming..... : The ping-pong drink :

Oct 20 2009

I went to the local supermarket with dad ....aptly called the INDIAN SUPERMARKET.... This was one stop where we used to get the vegetables from. Although there were many other things available there, when it came to buying the veggies...mom loved this one place. And here i was again today. While just loitering around i suddenly came across a whole crate of cans kept stacked on each other and i just happened to have glanced across them and there it was SHANI. Oh how I missed this drink. Lots of memories attached to this one as well. Without giving second thought i bought it.

When i opened the can and took that first sip inside my mouth......aaaaahaaaa...that taste.....that sweetness ...i closed my eyes and it took me back to the past...

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I must have been in the 6th std. I had joined the Table-tennis coaching classes after school hours. I remember I and my neighbour and friend Nitin, we used to go to learn and play ping pong together. I was not much into sports as a kid. But then when I used to see other kids or my seniors play and perform...I used to feel....Oh..I wish I could do that....Oh...someday I wish i could. Well the only reason I joined the TT classes was to make an attempt towards that goal. I was just amazed by the way those guys used to hit that small little ping pong ball so hard and yet everytime it used to somehow find its way on to that table. I used to love the way that ball used to swirl in the air and spin on the table. And i wanted to learn all that. Hence one day...I go to my dad and say...."Dad...I wana join TT coaching. Nitin is joining too." And dad looks up at me in a very diff way with a bit of a shock. I am sure he was thinking and wanted to ask me " are you sure son?" ....hehe....but he didnt. He said "Ok". So there I was, my first day at the coaching, holding my new TT bat in my hand, waiting for my turn to hit that ball and boy-o-boy i really had fun. That evening Nitin's dad came to take us home. We were all sweaty and tired and exhausted and I really needed something cool to drink. A pepsi or a mirinda could do coz that was all i loved that time. But then there sitting in the back seat of his car, Nitin removed 2 cans of some strange drink I had never seen in my 6 years till then and handed one can to me. I held the chilled drink in my hand and saw the name SHAANI and i wondered "..hmmm...how will this taste." I was always reluctant to change so i refused it at first and asked Nitin, "dont you have pepsi?". And he said "no....but try this...its nice." I had no choice, I was thirsty and i really needed something to drink. So there it was ....my first ever sip of SHANI. The moment I sipped that drink on my tounge and down my throat and savoured that taste, i knew this one was going to be a regular for a long time to come. And it was.

I went for a month to learn and play TT and every single time, while coming back home, I had a can of SHANI. Every single time. Ofcourse later too whenever we used to go out shopping, I used to buy that drink and another good thing then, my bro didnt like it much....so I could have the whole drink for myself and nothing to share...hehehhahha... I later took part in various TT tournaments and I made sure I used to drink that before and after my game. SHANI to me what spinach was to Popeye. hehe... I won some of them ...I came to the finals and lost some of them....But one thing was there, i had achieved what i had set out for. I could swing that ball in the air and spin it on the table anytime now. TT became one of the sports where I could say I was and still am good at. And Shaani had a part in this achievement of mine. hehe.. I love SHANI...



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And here I was back home after 7 years and drinking that same drink and enjoying it in the same way i had enjoyed it the first time I had tasted it.
Now how nostalgic is that.

Homecoming.... :The arrival:

Oct 15th 2009
The pilot spoke "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to land at Doha International Airport. Please fasten your seat belts."I peeped out of my window, there it was the land I grew up, the land where I spent my whole childhood, the land where I spent 12 years of my life, the land which laid the foundation to what I am today. And I am returning to that land after 7 whole years.

The time was about 5:30pm there.As the plane hovered closer to the groud I could see the seaface ( called the corniche ) , building, roads and most predominantly...sand. Oh I missed this sand. The plane had landed 15min early. Luckily, I got through the customs and security check quickly and got my baggage too in no time. I came out of the airport hoping to see mom, dad, bro but no one was there...yet.A couple of minutes later, saw dad and bro walking up towards me. A few tight hugs and broad smiles were exchanged as we made our way to the parking lot. While walking they suddenly turned towards a light-greenish blue car. For a moment I wondered why
were they doing that......coz i was expecting our nice and old Mistubishi tradea (light blue ) to be there. But then it had slipped off my mind that we had got a new car and this was the 1st time i was seeing it. Wow...Amazing...Nissan Sunny. As I was admiring the car, I suddenly realised that there was someone sitting inside in the front seat. At first I didnt recognise her. The creamish colored salwaar and the few white hair on her head, Mom was there smiling. I opened the door and hugged her while dad and bro put my luggage in the car.

My family ....for the first time in 7 years we were together here in Qatar in our new car. As dad drove towards the house, with me looking outside like a small kid who was seeing something amazing, bro kept askeing me..."do u remember this....do u remember that".....and I trying to wake up those dead cells of my brain which had saved all the info about the streets and
roads and buildings and people of qatar. I was sadly unable to remember most of it. Qatar had changed. Many new bulidings, more cars on the road, people driving on the roads at speeds above 80. same was the speed at which our car was going. As we reached the streets near our area, thats when I started to recollect where we were. The roads, streets and buildings around
my house were the only familiar things. As dad drove the car towards the parking lot and I saw the same old building. The same building I spent my 1st std to the 12th std.

We got down from the car and dad opened the door. The same arabian style door handle. And there it was my home. Dad mom and bro walked in. I entered last. slowly and steadily looking aroud. Old memories coming back with each and every little thing I was seeing around me. Mannn that feeeeeling can never be described to anyone. It can only be felt. As I made my way to the hall, the sofa, the Tv, the curtains, the showcase which had my medals, my cups, my momentos. The carpet below , the chandilier , and there were the 3 most closest people of my life standing and watching me getting amazed by all this. I needed a hug and I got a group hug. My tears had to escape from the eyes. And this was just the hall.

We then moved to my room. The same white cupboard which I had decorated with stickers all over. The same study table. The same little place where we kept the Gods. There were a few new things/sofas/pc and stuff but apart from that everything else was just the same.I opened the drawers of my study table. And saw the same old pencil-boxes, the same pens, found my school diary, some books with Sudhanshu Std VII written on them. Then I found something really close to my heart. Something which I was really proud about. My school badge. "Asst. HEAD BOY" written on it. We moved to the other rooms, the kitchen, the store room ( where I ended up seeing my old toys, games, deflated football, my old cycle etc etc etc...etc ).

I went to the bathroom. The same mirror hanging at the same height on the wall above the basin. I stood in front of it.There was a time when I couldnt see myself in the mirror, so I used to take a small little stool and climb on it to see. Well I couldnt see my self this time too, I had to bend myself to see. Mann.... Time has gone so fast.

We had dinner , a nice family talk and I went to sleep early. It was only 9:15 pm there but thats 11:45 pm IST and I was tired.

NUMB ----

what an amazing song...for what I am feeling right now......

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I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

_--Linkin park..

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The Break Up

Her name is Meera. Today she said it. She said something which was a fact which both of us knew but were finding it hard to face it. A fact which we knew would show its ugly face in front of us someday in the future.

"What are we going to do Abdul?", she started. I looked at her wondering where this is headed even though in the back of my head there was this lurking doubt about what its gonna be.

"Will our parents agree for this?", she continued.
"We know our parents will never agree for this. Should we stop all this...... thinking that the future seems dark or continue living the present which is full of happiness", she smiled. I wondered why she smiled. I could see her pain in that smile, but was I wrong?. No....I couldnt be....not after 3 years of a relationship......Or could I ?

I snapped out of going into a deadlock situation in the head and asked" So...what are you trying to say" in a blunt and to the face style question.

"See AB...(she called me by that name)...We fell in love without considering the fact that we are from different religion. Its been 3 years 2 months and ...7hours since it all started" . She said looking in her watch and smiling. Again that smile. Why was she smiling. It put me in a state of confusion again.

"We just went with the flow. We loved each other. We still do. Whenever thoughts about the future used to haunt us....we brushed them away......why?....coz we were so damn happy in the present...We tried convincing our parents but we know what their reply is going to be....We knew it right from the start but yet we continued......why...?.......all for the sake of the present. Its so lovely. You have given me so much love that I do not think anyone else can give me ever. But now ....as our present is slowly moving towards that future we both were scared to face....we have to realise that utlimately fate decides everything. I....i mean.......We....
AB....hope u understand what i am saying.", she looked at me with those big round eyes, those same eyes who i fell in love with.

"No....." i replied bluntly, expressionless trying to figure out what is happening here. She looked at me with a "how can i make you understand this" look.

"Are you trying to breakup? Do you want to end all this?" I asked her without showing any sign of the pain I was feeling inside.

"No....No..AB ...nothing like that" , she replied trying to persuade me to believe her. Or maybe realising that I was feeling the pain.

Three years in a relationship, we tend to understand whats going on in the other person's mind as well as heart. Maybe I was still learning how to understand her's while she could read mine easily.

"Then...?" was my next question.

"See...AB.....We are so happy with each other arent we....We have a present so very beautiful....Why cant we enjoy it till it lasts rather than wasting it away."..she replied.

"Way...way..wait..."I replied interuptting her...confused."A few minutes before you were saying something else.

"See. AB....listen all I am saying is that we both know that we can never be in the future together. So why not stay happy in the present and enjoy every moment till it lasts ......till one day we might have to get separated...Separation in any way....I mean what if I have an accident or something in the next 2 months.....so isnt it better to live those 2 months full of happiness than breaking up now?", she replied.

Finally she said the word. Breakup. But what was she really trying to say. I am confused. She was confusing me even more.

"Meera...Meera.....Meera.....Let me get this straight. You are trying to say that we continue being like this....enjoying the present .......till one day you or me get married to someone else whom our parents choose for us?" , I asked trying to put this in a simple sentence.

"Yes..." she replies stressing on the s.

"Oh..Hmmm...." I replied wondering where that leaves me.

"I know ...AB...it will be very painful. For both of us....But then its a fact....we have to face", she replied putting the finishing touches.

I knew in the back of my head that what she was saying was infact right.
...that this was going to be tough. Being of different religions and falling in love always had a murky future. I knew that one day either or both of the parents were going to oppose our relationship and that we would have to separated in a ugly and painful ...very painful way. I knew that what we had was so very beautiful. But the thing that Meera herself gathered so much courage and was telling me something ....which infact both of us knew .....was making me feel all the more terrible.

On one hand I feel as if I am being used and also I am using myself for the thing so called a very happy present. There seems to be a bit of selfishnes in both of us not to give up something we have so easily. On the other hand I was feeling......"hey its ok....this is life....accept it."

On one hand I was feeling angry, terrible and sad all at the same time.
On the other hand I was feeling whatever she is saying is right.

On one hand I was feeling why cant we go against fate or destiny which is written and write our own.
On the other hand all my strength was draining away knowing where my limitations are and which boundaries I could not cross.

Its like having something with you so close but knowing that it would be taken away one day. And then leaving you to think....now what....fight or surrender to fate.

I closed my eyes.
I just couldnt imagine Meera with someone else. My whole body used to fill with anger on that vision. Then a feeling of sadness engulfed me. I felt heartbroken already even though she was right there sitting in front of me.
Where is this going. Where are we headed. Whats going to happen.
Should we try to alter what is written. Or maybe its written that- we should write it on our own. Still feeling so confused, I looked up at her.
She was not smiling anymore.
Why was she not smiling anymore. Did she see the tear in my eye.

"Ab.....what happened dear....I know I cannot live without you....I know there is no life for each other without us. But then we have to face the future one day....OK...listen just forget everything I said...Lets not be sad wondering what going to happen and all......lets go with the flow."
She took her hand in mine. fingers interlocked.

Perhaps that was the best thing to do. To wait. Wait for that future to come. We cannot decide NOW...what is going to happen to us in the future. Hence let future come and show itself to us. Maybe we would still have a happy ending. Maybe we may not. But then that is life. We have to live with it. I tried to console myself with these thoughts still having that dreaded feeling of the immense pain I would be facing incase things dont work out our way. But then I have to be strong. Atleast for now.

"I love you and I always will no matter what happens", she said honestly.
"I love you too." , I replied smiling.

the time is NOW....

......its the time when all one needs is a little space of their own. when words cannot find a way out from the screwed up head. the words are jumbled up, tangled up.
its the time when there is too much love, that even a little misunderstanding can end it all together. when hanging out with ones enemies seems like paradise.
its the time when sin becomes a part of ones life even though one know its wrong. when you are trying too hard to forget the past.
its the time when the whole world seems like heaven and hell at the same time. when life dosent seem to have any meaning and keeps dragging and dragging itself.
its the time when you wanna live for the present. To hell with the past and the future. when the one you always thought about makes you dont wana think anymore about anything.
its the time when you experience all emotions.....all at one time. when you feel life is to be wasted away by enjoying it to the fullest.
its the time when you can keep doing a same thing again and again and get bored and yet you keep enjoying that boredom. when trying something new is the need of the hour.
its the time when love leads to hate and hate to love......a vicious cirlce. when all you wana do it keep your mind blank and keep erasing old and fresh memories .
its the time when evil prevails over the good. But we still love it. when there is no purpose , no boundaries, no worries, no responsibilties, no questions, no answers, no explanations, no .............no nothing.

the time is NOW.

Ankhon ka hai dhokha, Aisa tera pyaar

Bharpa jo ek shor hai,
Pukhta hai purzorr hai,
Rag rag jalte iske sarmaye…

Kal mera bebaaak tha,
Aaj magar kamzor hai..
Khud se ankhein hi na mil payein.









Aankhon ke aage jo hai,
Manzar lava barsaaye…
Jalta hai dil jalta hai…
Til til main jalta hoon…

Is lamhe ki haqeeqat..
Gawaara na kar paaye…
Jalta hai dil…
Til til main jalta hoon…

Hat ja re hat jaa,
pare hat ja re nazron se,
pare Hat ja re hat jaa re,
pare hat jaa re..arrey jaa re…

Mere lavss ke haar jaise,
hain yaadon mein chubte jaise..
Aasoon mere behte rehte..
Khoon ke…khoon ke…khoon ke.......

Ankhon ka hai dhokha, Aisa tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachaar!!!
Ankhon ka hai dhokha,Aisa tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachaar!!!

- Emosanal Attyachaar ( ROCK version)

How easily....

how easily people come into our life,
and how easily they leave,
how easily some become friends,
and some of them enemies.

how easily people fall in love,
and how easily they become happy,
how easily they trust someone,
and get betrayed by many.

how easily a heart beats for someone,
and how easily it breaks,
how easily someone calls you your own,
and later throws you away.

how easily you tread on a journey,
and end up loosing the way,
how easily you find your aim,
and then end up loosing the game.

how easily you try to pick up the roses,
and end up with thorns all the time,
how easily you keep waiting for that someone ,
and keep loosing yourself all the time.

Wish everything was not so easy,
wish everything was very tough,
when a lot of time would have been spent on everything,
the lesser it would have hurt.