Amor Fati Memoirs

"Have you ever been in love grandpa", Nikhil asked. The grandfather was perplexed at such a question coming from a 19 year old, just like that, out of no where.
"Yes...with your grandmother", he replied. "But now she is no more."
"No...No.. I mean before you got married. Before grandma came into the picture. Was there anyone else you loved?", Nikhil asked again.

Grandpa was silent for a while. It was as if he had to walk all the way down memory lane to come up with an answer. 76 years is a long life he had already lived. He had seen so much. He had met so many people. So many things to remember. His life had become like a book. Each and every moment was like a page. And he had so many pages. It was as if he had to flip over through his book of life trying to find that page, that very special page. And he found it, rather quicker than he himself expected.

"Grandpa??....Grandpa..", Nikhil said shaking him up.
"Haan...yes.", he replied."Yes, I was in love", he replied silently.
"Tell me...tell me more....I would love to hear", Nikhil replied with full enthusiasm.
"It was a long time ago. I must be around your age. Maybe older than you. We met by chance. We..." "What was her name?", Nikhil interupted. "Devika", Grandpa replied after a pause and a breath taken.
"Nice name...", replied Nikhil.

"Thats what I had told her once", grandpa continued.

"We connected instantly. It was as if destiny had planned it all up. I was at the bus stop, and she was new to the place. It was she who enquired to me about a place where she had to go. Luckily, I had to go to the same destination. We got talking waiting for the bus. We talked in the bus..and then talked quiet a lot after that.", Grandpa said smiling.
"When did you propose? Did she love you back?", Nikhil enquired.
Grandpa fell silent but spoke slowly. "She loved me. Very much.", he replied quietly.
Noticing, grandpa go into a different mood, Nikhil put his hand on his shoulders and said."And you, grandpa...did you?"
Grandpa was quiet. Nikhil saw his eyes getting moist."Yes..", he replied. "I loved her too".
"What happened?", Nikhil enquired.

"I...We...We did not realise when we started getting attracted towards each other. As they say, love just happens. And so it did, with us. I still remember the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed. Oh...Nikhil....It was special, very special...it was my first and her too...and it was mutual and unexpected." Nikhil saw a smile on his face and a tear escape the clutches of his eye too, both at the same time.
"She was a good girl. She had proposed to me. I knew it would be coming. But I guess I was not ready for a relationship at that stage. Or maybe I was. But i was not ready to be committed so soon. You know many guys have this problem. I did too. She wanted commitment too early in the relationship. I couldnt give it to her. We used to have constant fights over this."

Nikhil saw grandpa staring at the empty space in front of him, as if trying to recollect the days. A little while later, he spoke.

"Many days passed like this, until one day she informed me that she might have to leave town as her dad had got a transfer. It was then I realised that someone who was so close to me was being taken away. Someone I shared so much with, someone who loved me, someone who cared for me. The person, without whom a day would not pass, was being snatched away from me by destiny. The same destiny who had planned it up to make us meet. I felt a pain in my heart. I could feel a sense of emptiness already seeping in, just thinking not being with her. I felt complete with her. It was then I realised that I was in love with her."

Nikhil listened with full concentration. Grandpa was able to recollect so much even after so many years. Devika seemed to be really someone special.

"I went straight to buy her a ring. Not a fancy one. but a simple one. Didnt have much money then. I was going to propose to her before she could leave me. I was so happy on that day ...until...", Grandpa stopped silent.
The silence was taking a longer time than usual this time. Nikhil had to interupt to break it.

"Until....??", Nikhil enquired.
"...until that phone call. She called me up when I was just getting out of the shop with the ring. She said she wanted to meet me and tell me something urgent. I said the same thing to her. We met in the park. I still remember she was wearing blue. Her favourite color and mine too. She looked so pretty. It was the last time I saw her. That was my last vision of her. We never met after that."

Nikhil wanted to know more about what exactly happened. But seeing the moist eyes of his grandpa, he chose to remain silent. Grandpa sensed that. He understood what Nikhil was thinking and what he wanted to hear. Hence, he continued.

"I made a mistake that day. I let her speak first. She said that she was not very sure where our relationship was heading and that her dad's transfer was a sign to end it. She said she was tired of me keeping her in a dilemna and that she was always waiting for answers from me to her questions. She said that I never understood her. She said....", Grandpa stopped.

Another tear fell down.
"...She said a lot of things...But it was not like that. It was just that sometimes when you love someone so much, its just tough to say it out. And many guys have this problem of expressing their love as easily as girls do. I was no different. But then she said that having loved me was the biggest mistake she ever did. I know she didnt mean it. But she said it. And it hurt then and it is still hurting now. My wounds have once again opened up.", grandpa stopped.

Nikhil was speechless. "Why didnt you tell her then that you loved her too. And what about the ring?", Nikhil asked.

"I couldnt speak anything after that. I just didnt remove the ring out from my pocket. She said what she had to say. It was as if she had thought hard and long about what she was going to tell me that day. It was a fully prepared and planned visit. And she didnt want to look back from that day onwards. She wanted a new beginning ...a new life. She said Goodbye to me and walked off without looking back. I am sure she must have cried. I hope she did. She left me on the bench alone. I stayed there throughout the night just recollecting each and every moment I spent with her. I just sat there cursing destiny of playing with my life. But then, what happened was meant to happen.", Grandpa continued.

"She got married off in a couple of years. I came to know from a common friend. I concentrated on my career, trying hard to forget her and keep looking ahead, which I did. Then I married your grandma, then your dad happend, then you happened!", Grandpa ended with a light smile.
Nikhil returned it back.

"Is she still alive?", Nikhil enquired.
"I do not know. She had moved out of India, that was the last I heard about her. Maybe she is. Maybe not. I am not sure.", Grandpa replied.

"Why dont you try searching for her and telling her what you had planned to do that day?",
Nikhil said. Grandpa smiled.

"Will it change anything? Will it bring back all these years.", he replied.
"No...maybe not. But dont you think she should know it", Nikhil counter questioned.
"She will know it. I will tell her.", Grandpa replied with a sly smile leaving Nikhil confused.

===========================================

That night, before he went to sleep, grandpa opened his casket and removed a book, a diary and a small little box. It was a diary filled with her memories. A diary where each and every day spent with her was recorded. A diary where each and every moment captured. The happy times, the sad times, the movies they saw, their trips, their fights.......it contained everything. It also
contained all those things which he wanted to tell her, but couldnt. He flipped through the pages to the last written page. The page which ended it all. He removed a pen and started writing.

"Dear Devika,

Today, after these many years, I am writing to you all because of Nikhil, my grandson. I just wanted to say that ....that...I loved you. I loved you very much. Its just that I was not able to say it at the time you wanted to hear it. And unfortunately, when I decided to
say it, you did not want to hear it. Life can be cruel at times. But then whatever was meant to happen, happened. I accept what destiny had planned for me. I also thank it for making me meet the one I truly truly loved more than anything else and will always will ...till whatever life is left. If I ever get that day back, I will not let you speak first. You will always be special to me Devika. I love you. Will you promise to be with me in our next life."

He kept the pen down. And opened the small box. He removed the ring and then kept it on the book and went to sleep for one last time. The shadow of the ring on the book said all he had to say.

Tonight I wanna cry...

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry



Would it help if I turned a sad song on
All By Myself, would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
==========================================
A beautiful one....by Keith Urban ....
Tonight I wanna cry.
URL : http://www.dizzler.com/music/Keith_Urban

KLATPARC <---

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the people whom I want to be there close to me always tend to go away. I do not know whether its a plan made by the heavens to hurt me or just pure and plain DESTINY. Whatever the reason, it always happens. It has been happening since the time I started realising the importance of having people in my life. I dont know how to react now-a-days. Maybe I am getting used to it nowadays. Accepting whatever comes my way. Not fighting for it. Well, I have been doing it all this while. So nothing has changed, but infact everything has changed. Whatever.

Or maybe...I guess I am tired of being good anymore. I am tired of being in this trance of living life as if its just one big dream and that everything is going to be OK. I am tired of just dragging along in the hands of destiny. I am tired of being used as a source of temporary happiness by others who may be infact using many others for the same reason. I am tired of waking up everyday thinking of what I would be doing today, thinking of how the day would go, thinking if there is someone out there who would be thinking of me. I am tired of being in a state of imbalance, a state where I have to fake happiness for the sake of others. I am tired of putting that smile on my face when I do not want to actually smile. Am i being too demanding? All I need is a sense of wantedness. A feeling of importance to somebody or something, a situation perhaps. Its not that I dont care. Or I didnt care. Its not that I didnt show or made them realise how much I need them. But unfortunately my words always seem to fall on deaf ears. I am tired of showing people how important they are to me and getting nothing in return. I am tired of them helding out their hand to me and then when I go to hold it, backing away. People just dont seem to care. They use and they throw whenever they feel like. Bas aisehi. I am tired of them showing me acceptance at one stage and then refusal just like that at some other stage. I have realised that the state of temporary acceptance, though may bring that smile on my face for sometime, is infact very deceptive. I have lost its importance these days. Its high time....Its high time to give it back. Its high time to make people realise that they cannot just treat me as if they own me. Its high time to make them realise that I have a life of my own and that they are not the only thing I need to survive. Its high time to realise the fact that to persist in the face of continual rejection requires a deep love of the self. If people hurt you, its high time to start hurting back. But then, that wont leave much difference between them and me. But you know what.....I dont care.
What the f%$#. Have i lost it?

life is such...

Life can be very funny sometimes. We try to live it the way we want to yet sometimes we have to surrender to it. Some people walk ahead, holding the hand of life which follows them. Some other let life walk ahead and hold its hand and quietly follow it from behind. The choices are left to the individuals. Choices have to be made with two factors. The mind and the heart. They can never work together. Its always one at a time.

Sometimes... the mind and the heart are in a constant fight. The fight for what is wrong and what is right. We tend to do things which we dont intend do, things which we don't plan to. Well, maybe we want to some things, but never thought that we could do them or get a chance to do them. Sometimes, we just loose self control and just go with the flow. And before we know it, We let our heart take over the mind. Things just happen. Sometimes for a reason. Many times without one. And we tend to enjoy that period of being taken over. That period of surrendering to the heart. But the mind is more stronger than the heart. It strikes back and then we rethink over things or the actions done by the heart and start to analyse them. We sometimes regret over the things done. And at other times are happy that it happened.

Sometimes We have so much to say, but are unable to say it thinking of loosing on the way.We can speak so many words just by being silent. And at other times, we can say nothing by speaking so much. But then its better to just say it before its too late. There is a quote: the bitterst tears slide over graves for words unsaid and deeds undone. Life gives you opportunities sometimes. Other times you have to make your own.
At times, life can be so very cruel. We grow older filled with regrets for things not done.... For words not said....for love not expressed. Life is too short and too fragile. It needs to be handled with care. We need to live it and do things that make us happy.
Life can be very confusing.

But then life is such.

When You Find yourself...

I know some might say that animated movies are for kids ! but hey I dont care . I love all types of movies. Infact ... animated movies have a different flair all together. I mean the whole concept of putting life into something non-living and how !! ,,, its just fascinates me. ..this whole animation thing! ...And disney's Pixar Animation Studios absolutely rock in this effort. Saw two animated movie recently. CARS and WALL-E. Both were amazing, the latter being the slightly better one of the two, in terms of story perhaps. But when it came to animation , both rocked.

There was a song composed for this movie, sung by Brad Paisley. When you find yourself. The lyrics depicting the journey of this race car who finds himself stuck in the most unlikey town at the unlikely time. The song is a melodius number but what was more attractive were the lyrics....which I feel many of us "living" beings can easily relate to. You can find the vdo/movie anywhere on the net. Below are the lyrics.

---------------------

When you find yourself in some far off place
and it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself...

When you make new friends in a brand new town
and you start to think about settling down
The things that would have been lost on you
are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself

Well you go through life
so sure of where you're heading
And you wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
because you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself.

When you meet the one, that you've been waiting for
and she's everything, that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for someone else
And then you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself

Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
Because you find yourself,
Yeah thats when you find yourself.

....Nothing makes sense....

He looks at her picture one last time,
As if having loved her was such a crime.
She is smiling, while he cries in pain.
This cant happen, this is insane.

He tears it apart, then joins the pieces.
Burns them up and then eats the ashes.
His strengths all gone yet again, oh no.
His bags are packed, he's ready to go.

To travel far and to travel wide
To some far off place where one does not reside
To make way for all the memories to clear
the ones that were ugly and the ones that were dear.

But he does not succeed in his mission
The past haunts him and puts him in submission.
The harder he tries, for her thoughts to erase
The stronger they come back, he's stuck in a maze.

He sees her everywhere, with every other blink.
In the air he breathes, in the wine he drinks.
He longs for someone to help him now
Someone to end his life, or to show him how.

But alas for him, there is no one around
A pin drop silence, not a word nor a sound.
For the better or worse, he is all by himself
But he has to do, do what he intends for self

He shatters the glass hard on the ground.
Picks up a piece, the first one he found.
He takes a deep breath and then thinks no more
He cuts his wrist, the hand goes sore.

He closes his eyes, and sees a vision
He relives his life, till this decision.
The tears dont stop rolling, the world seems dull
The time has gone silent, the moment seems lull

Mixed emotions are running through his veins
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing makes sense
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing makes sense
Life seems to fizzle out, nothing .........

Sleeping With The Light On

Here's a song by the band BUSTED. ---> Sleeping with the lights on.

The vdo aint that gr8.....but the lyrics are good...in parts....

And the timing, the date couldnt have been more perfect !!

====================================

Along she came, with her picture,

Put it in a frame, so I won't miss her,

Got on a plane, from London; Heathrow,

It seems such a shame, yea..

[Chorus:]

I feel her. Slipping through my fingers,<

Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,

And shocks went through my veins now, that she's gone,

I'm sleeping with the light on

Heard she's engaged, spoke to her best friend,<

No ones to blame, here's where it all ends,<

And I feel the pain, 'cause I'm without her,<

I feel the pain.<

I see the sight, with a different light,

Words cannot describe the way I'm feeling,<

'Cause I've been searching in my head,

For the words I thought she'd said,

For too long.

URL :
http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/sleeping+with+the+lights+on/video/x2v4p1_busted-sleeping-with-the-light-on_music

I cant seem to find the switch to turn of the lights !!

I really do....

"Rajiv ....Dinner's ready!!", Mrs. Mane shouted from the dining room.
"Rajiv.....RAJIV....", she repeated a few moments later. Not getting any response from her son, he strolled towards the study.

"Raaaaaajiv !!! ....OH MY GOD.....RAAAJ.. ", she shouted as she saw her son on the floor...still. Minutes later at the hospital.

"What is it doctor?", Mrs. Mane asked with a worried look.

"Mrs. Mane. I......I am really sorry to say this. But we couldnt save him."
Mrs. Mane fell back as if all the energy in her body was sucked out. Her hands covered her face the next moment. "NO...NO...this cant happen", she cried. "I ...He......", and she just cudnt stop the tears from escaping the clutches of her eyes. But she as a strong woman. She collected herself a few moments later.

Seeing that the doctor continued. "Your son......had got tumour....brain tumour...", replied the doc. "It was severe, I am surprised that the first attack itself was life- tak... ". the doctor stopped seeing Mrs. Mane cover her face again.

A day later.

Mrs. Mane, went towards the desk where she last saw Rajiv. The desk was neat. He liked it that way. A few sheets were right in the centre below the paper weight. She went ahead and picked them up. She read.

A few moments later, Mrs. Mane had tears in her eyes. The last page.

She could see that the pen had dragged away towards the end. This was the moment when he had passed away. Probably he wanted to say so much more. She knew about him and Radhika. She knew that he loved her. She knew that this letter had to be delivered to her at all cost.

Later in the evening, she was at Radhika's door.

"Mom, you see that house over there. Thats where she stays." Rajiv has showed her once, when they were passing that area. His words echoed in her head as she rang the bell.
"Hi Radhika ??, she enquired.

"Yes"., the girl replied.

"I am Rajiv's mother. Rajiv died yesterday. He left you this. Please read it.", so saying she handed the letter to her and turned away crying.
Before Radikha could gather her senses and realise what she had heard, what had just happened, Mrs Mane had gone far away, disappearing behind the corner. When she recollected what she had heard, she was shocked herself. She closed the door and went inside, glancing at the paper in her hand. It was Rajiv's handwriting. She recognised it. She began to read.
====================================

Dear Radhika,

I picked up the phone today yet again, but i just couldnt dial your number. I do not know why but all my strength seems to just vanish in thin air whenever I try to do this. Dont think that I am low on self confidence or something. NO. That is not the point. Its just that sometimes, its so hard to speak to someone, to tell someone how much someone keeps thinking about the person. Sometimes its just so hard to say it in words. But its easier to write them down I think. And you must be knowing that I have always been a better writer than an orator. Hence, this paper you are holding in your hand. I hope it reaches you somehow.

I love you. I really do. I ..I.....I know I may sound desparate, trying to tell you again and again how much I ....you know...but the fact is no matter how much I try to avoid doing it I end up doing it. I know what you feel about me and I know that is never going to change. Yet for some reason I just cant stop thinking about you. I think of you in the day and I think of you in the night. I really do, I am not saying this just to sound poetic, its a fact. No matter how much I say to myself to stop thinking about you, I end up thinking about you more and more in the process of trying to forget you. Funny thing!! I sometimes think, that I should move on with life. Forget you once and for all. But whenever I see your picture or whenever I see you in front of me, I tend to go into a different mode all together. I like to be alone, thinking of you. Just me and you. And i dream. And I imagine. And i sulk in between. Shed a tear or two. And I smile again. And then i laugh thinking of what I am doing. Its very wierd you see. I know you wont be able to understand this. And do not think that I am making any effort to make you do so too. Its just that the heart is so so full. It has to leak somehow, somewhere.

I love you. I really do. I know you already know this. But I am saying it again and again , hoping that one day i get to hear a " i love you too". But I know that day would never come but yet I think, it just may.

I went to the shore again today. I know how much you love the sea. I do too. But here I walk alone, thinking of you. I sit alone, thinking of you. And I wish that I was never alone.I wish you were there with me. We could just walk for hours together holding hands, with nothing on our minds, not a word said, but yet so much spoken. Just you and me and the sea. I know this is never going to happen, but yet I imagine someday it just may. I am bored of shedding tears nowadays. But the heart keeps pushing them out. Cant stop them either. SO i let them flow. I keep fighting with myself. One part says to forget you. Other says dont let go. Fortunately or Unfortunately, there is no clear winner. Its always a tie between them. So I let it be. Let life go on as it is.

I love you. I really do. Wish you could understand. I cant force you. I know. But Wish you could understand.

You know something....I have been getting headaches lately. Dunno what the reason is. NO...Dont worry . Its not because of thinking of you too much. Dunno ...just natural i guess. As i write this, my head has already started paining. You know what I am seeing at the moment. A vision. A vision of you. Smiling. At me? I am not sure. But you are smiling.And you are looking very very beautiful. Like you always do. And will always do. I know it. I see the sea. The breeze is blowing gently. The smell is intoxicating, fresh neverthless. There is no one around. I see myself. I see a small hill. I am walking. Walking towards it ...walking alone..Oh!. I am alone yet again...as usual....Where are you?.... Why cant I see you?....Maybe you are behind the hill. Waiting for me. Are you? I hope you are. I am coming. Please dont go. Please wait. For me. Because you know it and I know you know it too, that I love you. The vision is getting blur now. Its getting dark. How can it get dark so soon. I still havent found you. I still havent reached you. Can you come over to me. Please. Oh!!..its getting more dark. Please come quick. Give me your hand.

I love you Radhika....I really d..............................

====================================

Radhika kept staring at the paper in her hand. There were tears in her eyes. One tear managed to free itself and fall down on the paper. She looked at the paper again and read the last line.

I love you Radhika....I really d O.............................
It seemed complete now. The tear had fallen right at the end completing the "O".

More tears followed.

kabhi...kabhi

pyaar koi labz nahi hotonse batane ko,

woh to ek ehsaas he aankho se samjhaane ko,

zindagi guzar jayegi pal zapakte hi,

jilo ise jaise har pal me ho wajah muskuraane ko.

koi yaad kare aapko to kuch baat he,

koi ruthe, koi to ho manane ko.
fir kabhi sochte he hum, kya roega yeh zamana

jab chale jayenge hum door kahi, kabhi bhi wapas na aane ko.

===========================

kabhi lagti ho aap parayee, koi ajnabee ho,
woh saath guzare hue pal, beeta hua kal ho,

tasveer jab saamne aa jaati he aapki,

lagti ho aap kuch apni si , aap hamari jaan ho.

kabhi sochte he hum raat raat bhar,

ki kya mila hume aapko dil de kar,

aankh band karke jab jhankte hu khud he andar,

bas ek hi chehra aapka, aa jaata he nazar.

kabhi rehta hu yaadon ki kaid me aapki,

na rihaai na zamaanat milti he,

sirf pyaar karne ka gunaah kiya tha humne,

uski bhi itni badi saza milti he.

yeh dard ka silsila tut hi nahi raha he,

dooriyon ka faasla mit hi nahi raha he,

ashq ab sookh gaye he ...ro ro ke,

aap par iska kuch asar bhi ho nahi raha he.

khwaabon ke itne tukde ho gaye he,

kuch paas me, kuch door bikhar gaye he,

jab bhi koshish karta hu unhe jodne ki,

sachai ki talwaar se fir se kut gaye he.

haalat ab kuch aise ban gaye he,

na bhul sakte he hum aapko, na yaad bhi kar sakte he,

bas jiye jaa rahe he hum isi ghum me,

ki kabhi aap ho nahi saki hamari, aur hum kuch kar bhi nahi sakte he.

BLAH BLAH BLAH....

Hi....
Yo...
How you doing?
Great....and what about you.
Not too bad.
Hmmm.....

You know something....its been close to two months!! and I havent written any new poem nor any story.
2 months!! ....Great ...keep it up.....and dont worry ...bad habits do take time to leave....but eventually they do...

Haha.....very funny....But you see...I am not so sure what has happened. Its not that I am short of ideas or have hit the writers block. NO. I got plenty of them stuck in my head. But when it comes to getting them out, the mood changes. ....Dunno why.
You know something....I always hated that stuff.

Ya....I know....whatever... !! Anyways, somehow I feel that the fuzz inside me has fizzled away !! .
..fizzled away?? ....sheeeeeeeshh.....i wonder if there is even a word like that !! ...

To be frank, I guess I been pre-occupied with work. Yes, its true. Probably that might be one reason. Also, that perhaps nothing interesting or happening is happening!!

happening is happening"!!!!...sheesh!!...whats happening dude ...control !! ..... :-)

No...I mean I have so much to write but not finding the time perhaps. And when I do find the time, the mood goes under cover. Now mood does decide what I put up here. Not that I am a very moody person, but still it holds quite some significance.

Dude!! Tell me frankly... Does anyone read the stuff you write?
Yes ..I guess...maybe.

Does anyone wait for it eagerly?
hmmmm.. I dont think so. And why should they. I started writing this blog for my own and not for anyone else...i think!!. ..

Precisely.!! Does anyone even care about what you put in here or what you dont? Does it matter? Does it make any difference to the thinking of the person reading it? Does it make any difference to the world!! ? .......Sheeeeeeesh !!! ....For all I can say, stop this crap.
Crap?? Dont call this crap buddy......Its the only outlet I have for my feelings....for my emotions.....

Feelings....Emotions!! ....ya right....What the heck dude....There is no such things as feelings ...emotions....its all for the books and fairy tales...and movies ..and stuff like that.....In reality...its just how to be practical..Everything else just goes for a toss...Its happening dude...look around..
NO....No....its not like that with everyone. Sometimes they do hold importance.

Oh do they now??...Look who is talking !!.....Well...tell me what have you got out of
them ?? ...Have they helped you in any way? Have they even been considered ? ..forget about being responded to ??
Well....I ......I mean....

Grow up buddy.....Get over with this....Life cannot be lived with soft and weak stuff like
these.....Live life the hard way....the tough way....The practical way!!....like many do. ...People dont give a damn of what you think ...of what you feel....or of what your so called 'emotions' which are hiding inside you...waiting to find their ...what was the word you used "OUTLET" !! ....yes ...outlet!! ....
Its not like that ...Sometimes they do....

There.... you said it yourself... "Sometimes" !!.....And what about the other times ??
I dunno. But I feel they do.

Ya ..Ya...thats what you think.....!!....Keep thinking.....Thats all you can do. I sometimes wonder, why do you do things that should not be done. I mean....you know....what I am talking about right....I mean.... its all about choices... I believe. And people have choices. And you cant change other people's choices, unless they themselves want to. And sometimes, when they realise and want to change their choices, it can sometimes be too late to do so. I mean you cannot change the way a person thinks about you, feels about you ...can you? And its very difficult to change their choice if you cant change their feelings.
Aha....thats my point..now you said it yourself...FEELINGS.....!! My only aim is to find the outlet for my feelings...irrespective of what other people think or act or choose. Let their choices remain to themselves, changed or unchanged ...it dosent matter to me.

Now you are talking sense.
Hmmm... We both are right in our own ways arent we ....Its just that I had lost in somewhere. I guess I had got too attached to what I was writing.

Uhhh....excuse me...Lost it ?? ...when did you "Have" it to loose it!! .. :-)
No...No...but having said that something is wrong here. Dead wrong. I cant do this. I cant just write for the sake of writing. I cant just write without having any attachment. It wont make that great a thing to read. Will it ?

Huh...What was that ??
Having said that I do standby what you said....I need to stop over doing it.....I mean.... Its time to take some decisions. Some strong decisions.
What?
Its about time.
Whaaaaa?
The strength has to seep in.
Huhhhh !!
Its time for change. A new start. ..........BLAH BLAH BLAH......
Oh ENUF...DUDE...ENUF......
BLAH BLAH BLAH......
STOP IT ...cant take your bullshit anymore. ...
BLAH BLAH BLAH......
You seriously need to take some medications!!.....
BLAH BLAH BLAH......

ROG ..when love is a disease...!!

I was just lazying around at home, watching TV when i saw a song featuring Irfan Khan. I really admire his acting abilities and must have seen almost all his recent movies. But I was unable to recollect what I was seeing on TV that day. The song looked so familiar, but the video was new to me. Later the name of the movie flashed across. Movie : ROG ...and I was like ....yeaaaaah.....a movie with this name had come and gone with the blink of an eyelid. There were a few songs which I remember listening to them when the audio was realeased way back in 2004, Guzar na jaaye was a decent track then. Its been 4 years !! and I am listening to songs from the movie now! ....

The song I was seeing on TV was Maine Dil se Kaha.

===========================
Maine Dil Se Kaha :

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi

Bechaara kahan jaanta tha
Khalish hai yeh kya khala hai
Shehar bhar ki khushi se
Yeh dard mera bhala hai
Jashna yeh raaz na aaye
Mazaa toh bas gam main aaya hai

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Kabhi hai ishq ka ujaala
Kabhi hai maut ka andhera
Bataao kaun bes hoga
Main jogi banu ya lutera
Kayi chehre hai is dil ke
Najaane kaunsa mera

Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi

Hazaaron aaise phaasle the
Jo Tai karne chale the
raahe magar chal padi thi
Aur peeche hum rah gaye the
kadam Do chaar chal paaye
Kiye phere tere mann ke

Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
Maine dil se kaha, dhoond laana khushi
Nasamajh laya gum, to yeh gum hi sahi
================================

But there was another song, which was even better than this one. Yet another beautiful song gone unnoticed. The songs Khoobsurat he Woh ...sung by Kreem MM ( music director ) and also by Udit narayan, 2 versions. The song is simply ...LOVELY!! ...They lyrics so simple ...yet so beautiful....

Khoobsurat hai woh:

Khoobsurat hai woh itna sahaa nahi jaata
kaise hum khud ko rok leraha nahi jaata
Chaand me daag hai yeh jaante hai hum lekin
raat bhar dekhe bina uskoraha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itna sahaa nahi jaata

jo mera ho nahi paayega is jahaa me kahi
rooh ban kar miloonga usko aasma me kahi
Pyaar dharti par farishton sekiya nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

un nigaho me mohabbat nahi to kaho aur kya hai
par woh mujh se yeh keh raha woh kisi aur ka hai
zarasa jhoot bhi dhang sekaha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

Aankh me kaid kiye baithame ek haseen lamha
jab me is neend se jagoongato dil tutega
woh mujhe khwaab koi kyondikha nahi jaata
Khoobsurat hai woh itnasahaa nahi jaata

==============================

URL :http://www.songs.pk/rog.html
I guess ... its time I see the movie.

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

I had never heard of this song, neither of the album, neither the band.
But the moment I heard it, found some kind of connection towards it......unexplainable...

================================

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am



URL : http://www.radioblogclub.com/open/151996/iris/Iris-%20Goo%20Goo%20Dolls

Over a cup of espresso...

"I am 29 and still single dude", Amod said to Nilesh sipping his espresso at the barista.
"So what.....you are not the first of your kind", Nilesh replied.
"Yes I know dude, but hey the number of "my kind" is very less. I know loads of other guys going out with more than one girl at a time. How do they manage to do that", Amod continued.
"Well, they are different.", Nilesh said.
"What do you mean different?, Amod sulked.
"Cmon dude, you can get any girl you want. Maybe you are just not trying hard enough. Or Maybe your timing is not right. When the right time comes, you will get her. Besides, its time you let your parents find a girl for you and you get married. That will solve all your problems". Nilesh concluded.
"No dude, you dont understand. I mean....I wish.....Ahhh forget it, you wont understand"., Amod sulked sipping his espresso again looking around the place. He spotted a couple enter the door.

"See...chk that girl out. Isnt she pretty? and look who she is with! ..Sheesh. That guy has a bloody beer belly hanging out.....Dont you think I and her would have made a better pair?, Amod tried again.
"Wellll.........Hmmm....yes", Nilesh replied after a long pause.

"See..See...thats my whole point. Why is that the cocky guy, sometimes who is least interested in the girl, is usually the one who get the girl? Why cant a nice guy like me get one?, Amod kept his point of argument. "I keep hearing the words "Amod...You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend!" I mean, why do they ditch me, a guy, who would treat them like a princess and give them everything they want.........and go after someone who treats them like nothing special?", Amod had a crooked smile on his face now.
"Well...not all girls are like that Amod". Nilesh responded.
"Aha...not all, but most of them are...I know dude..I have faced it.", Amod was sulking again. "You know everthing right".

Nilesh thought enough was enough. Amod was not going to listen to him the easy way. So its better if he took the tough way out.

"Ok Dude, you want the answers. Honest answers." Nilesh replied.
"Yes..please", Amod said eagerly waiting to hear him speak.

"OK. Listen carefully now. You said you were "nice" isnt it?. Well, firstly "nice" equates with boring and predictable."
"Huh", Amod replied.

"Yes...Look up "nice" in the dictionary. You will find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy, Nilesh explained.
"uhh...Ok...Go on", Amod said.

"Well...I'll bet you've never heard a girl say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard her say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry." Sadly, for you, you hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. "Nice" Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you.... and..... unfortunately that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work." Amod said.

"So what do you want me to do. Become a casanova. Heart-breaker a.k.a Ranbir Kapoor in Bachna ae haseeno types!! Amod said. "Or do you want me to mistreat them or even ..."

"No, dude no, I am not saying that you mistreat them or disrespect them in any way. What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more!!" , Nilesh replied.
Amod gave a confused look.

"Well, let me explain. The problem is you, Mr.Nice guy..."
"STOP CALLING ME THAT ALL THE TIME", Amod shouted.

"Haha ..OK OK sorry. See, the fact is you care too much, too soon. You make the girls too important and too valuable and it shows in everything you say and do. You are too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and give too much -- all without getting anything or wanting anything in return. By doing so, you have made yourself appear desperate!!....or... insecure, needy of the girl's attention, affection, and approval."

Amod listened now with eyes and mouth wide open. He took another sip of from his espresso, as if to get back into the concentration mode.

"You have stripped yourself of any value in her eyes. After all, if you are already doing and giving everything, without the girl doing or giving anything - why would she value you? She won't. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable." Amod still has his eyes and mouth wide open.

"Uhhh...dude when did you learn to speak like that? Anyways....continue....", Amod requested.

"Haha...OK..Ok...See it works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Guys in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.

"Hmm..." , Amod nodded.

"See buddy, it's human nature. Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value......The secret to why the cocky guy wins over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one girl's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options."

"Well, what you said is really true. But dosent love hold any significance ?", Amod enquired.

"Love is just a 4 letter word. For some, it works. For some it dosent. For you it dosent. Love can be indecisive. But then, indecision is itself a decision in way. Its like a choice you make not to decide. So keep it that away. Be more cocky and you will get the girl you want. Love will happen later. Never force it to happen. Be strong. Be confident. Bring your attitude in the picture. Make them feel they need you rather than you need them. Simple. "Nilesh said concluding.

"Hmm, maybe you are right. I guess I need to be not so nice now.... Oh..my espresso is over. Shit!, It's time. Lets move. We are getting late." Amod said.

"OK . Mr. Not so "nice" guy" , replied Nilesh winking as they both left the place laughing.

The Silent Flute...

Jay woke up to a saturday morning with the phone ring. "Mr.Jay Dixit", said the voice on the phone as he answered it. "Speaking..", replied Jay in a sleepy tone.
"Hi, this is Mr. Mathur here. We met the other day. Just wanted to confirm your coming to Pune for the concert." , continued the voice. "Yes, definitely. I am really looking forward to it." , Jay replied suddenly waking up and filled with excitement. "Good, well see you tomorrow at the Natya Mandir", the voice replied hanging the phone.

An hour later, Jay was busy practising what he did best, playing the flute. Jay had never imagined he would be making the 'flute' his source of income and his way of life. But then he treaded a path, many others do not dare to - Making your dream your career. Jay had given up his well paying job in the bank to now struggle with something he loved to do. Having done that, he faced flak from all the people he loved. "Son, you are taking a huge gamble with life. From a settled banker to a struggling musician!! Well, all I can say is May Luck be with you, his dad had told him."
A small time musician he was now, but his popularity was ever increasing and the day would not be far when he would be popular throught India, or maybe the world. Pune was just a start.

The next day, Jay was in a volvo going to Pune. The low temperature inside the volvo always made him drowsy and having nothing better to do, he thought sleeping was the best thing to do. Minutes later, he woke up. Woke up to a smell, a scent he recognised. A scent from the past. He opened his eyes to find someone standing next to him. A saree clad female. He noticed she was married from her accesories and that big red dot smeared on her forehead.
"Excuse me, mine is the window seat", she said in a voice so familiar. Jay got up from his aisle seat, trying to be courteus, as she sat next to the window. A mutual quick glance again at each other and....
"JAY!!.....is it you?" ."Neha!!!.....Hi", replied Jay. "Hi..." replied Neha slowly, sending both of them into a silence. The suddent excitement of meeting each other was very quickly buried down by the memories from the past.

===================================
It was love at first sight for him when he first saw Neha in the bank. They soon became very good colleagues, then friends and later had started enjoying each other's company. Jay had once proposed to her. "You are a nice guy, Jay", she had replied."But I am not ready for a relationship yet. Not with you, not with anyone. Hope you understand. I have got a career ahead of me and moreover I also ....". Joe had not heard the remaining lines. The fact that he was rejected had hurt him so much. But yet he continued to be friends with her. Jay was not among those to give up easily, he kept on proposing to her in many different ways, at different times and reminding her that he was always there for her. She soon started falling for him, as she knew no one would ever love her as much as Jay did but she was still confused and scared to say YES, leaving Jay confused, on what her problem might be. Jay also had the ongoing confusion about his career and life ahead and Neha's behaviour was adding more to it. Years passed, Jay had soon started giving up hope and one day, he quit his job in frustration without informing her and disappeared from her life completely. It was then, that he made the decision to make a career out of his passion.
===================================

And now here he was sitting next to the woman he once loved, now having nothing to say.Jay had so many thoughts running through his head. So many questions to ask her. So many things to say. But he chose to keep mum.He had two options, either to let her know that he still loved her and thought about her. But it had not been of any use earlier and it would definitely be of no use now. He had noticed she was married. The other option was to pretend everything was good in his life and be at his witty best. He chose the latter.

"So....howz life?" , Neha broke the silence.
"Ya its good. I am going to perform in the concert tomorrow at the Natya Mandir"., Jay replied noticing some scars on her face and hands. She didnt have these, he thought'.
"Oh cool. Nice." she replied. "So got your career confusion solved in the end is it?" she gave a light smile.
"Hmmm...Yes. For the good, I guess. Now I want to be a world famous flute player. " Jay replied.
"Hmmmm..", Neha replied.
A minute later.
"You just disappeard without telling anyone in the bank.", Neha again broke the silence giving that smile.
"I didnt have many friends there", Jay replied now opening up a bit. She smiled again.
"You could have told me one last time. I was your friend." she replied.
"Friend...hmmm...yes...well...all I can say is Oops!! .....", Jay replied again noticing those scars as she smiled yet again."Anyways...howz your life been?", Jay continued.
"Well, my life has been good.. I got job in another bank now. I work and stay in Pune and every weekend go home to visit my parents in Mumbai." Neha replied.
"Hmm...good....So married or not or still waiting for me?", Jay asked blinking trying to act funny.
"Haha.... I got married last year. My parents ....arranged. He was an engineer working with General Motors", she replied calmly.A silent moment later as if thinking something in her head, she continued. "He loves me a lot".
"Well I bet, not more than me",Jay said blinking.
"Haha.....maybe.....he keeps me happy though."
"Not more than I would have", Joe smiled. She didnt reply. She just smiled.
"Hmmm..Maybe", she said softly.
Jay couldnt stop noticing the scars. His curiosity got the better of him.
"If you dont mind, can I ask you a question", Jay asked. "Sure Sure", she replied.
"How did you get those...", he said pointing towards her face and hands.
"Oh these.....I know....many people do ask me that time and again.
I had an accident a few months back......My scooty has got more scars than me.", she smiled.
"Hmmmmmm....well how many times I have told you not to drink and drive", Jay winked at her laughing.
"Hahaha......", she laughed. But Jay noticed the laugh was very different from her usual style to which he had got used to years back. Maybe he had forgotten how it was like.

The conversation continued. They talked about the colleauges in the bank, the times they spent, the movies they had watched, the outings, the fun they had, their friends, families, their future, about Jay's dream of becoming world famous one day. All spoken about with a pinch of humour.Time flew away so fast that Neha reached her destination.

"I have to get down here. Bye. May your dreams come true Jay. I will pray for you. Keep in touch. Take care of your self." Neha said hurrying down from the bus.
"You too", he shouted waving to her as the volvo drove away."Pray for me ...Thank you for that Neha...but How do I keep in touch with you ..... you didnt even give me your phone number", he murmured to himself.

Joe gathered himself now. He had lived the past all over again in those 3 hours. But now it was back to reality. He had an important concert the next day. Neha was his past. He loved her and still does, but she never loved him back and will never do. She is happily married now and moving on with her life. This was a reality and he had to accept it and move ahead in his life like he has always done.

Mr. Mathur had come to pick him up. "We have made your lodging arrangements Mr. Jay. You can relax and be fresh for the big day tomorrow.", he said dropping him off at the hotel lobby. The concert was a success. Not many people had turned up for the show, but the numbers were no doubt increasing. Maybe Neha's prayers are being heard but at a very slow pace, he thought.
The same night, Jay was as usual practising in his hotel room. Someone knocked calling his name. "Jay...jay...".He stopped playing his flute and opened the door to see Abhinav. His foul-mouthed friend from the bank.
"Hi Mann......how r you doing" , Jay asked.
"I am fine you bas***d , you are getting popular day by day. I saw your pic in the newspaper today. Came to know from that grumpy Mr. Mathur, that you are staying here. What yaar, you just left without telling anyone in the bank. And now you are leaving back again without even trying to get in touch with us.... you f***er, he continued.
"Its not like that Abhi,. Its just that I chose a new life for myself.", Jay replied.
"Oho....Mr. popular, trying to get used to the celebrity life eh....Stop giving bul***t reasons....There is only one life you have..The one you are living.....Ahhh anyways....how have u been...did you happen to meet with anyone else from the bank or am I the first..hehe.."., he continued.
"Yes, I happened to meet Neha in the bus yesterday", Jay replied not giving Abhi the credit of being the first," And apart from her...."
"Oho....Neha....your old item.!!", Abhinav interupted leaving Jay clenching his fists.
"But you know what Jay, I really feel sorry for her yaar", he continued. "She did not deserve this. You could have kept her more happy than that bloody husband of hers. If I had come to know about it earlier na, I swear I would have killed that bas***d. Ahhh Anyways you must be knowing everything about her right..." , Abhinav continued.
"What about her", Jay had a puzzled look on his face.
"You met her yesterday right. Didnt she tell you ?.......Ohhhh.....she did not tell you is it? " Abhinav was smurking.
"DID NOT TELL ME WHAT??" , Jay was getting angry now clinching the flute he was holding in his hands.
"Well, after you left the bank, a few months later, her parents got her married off to this engineer guy. At first he was good to her but later on the ba***d started showing his true colors. Fu***r was a hardcore alcoholic. Everynight he used to get drunk, come home and beat her up just for the heck of it. It seems that he was unhappy with the marriage and wanted to marry someone else he loved. Ahhh..dont know whats his side of the story. Neha had surrendered herself to her destiny and did not tell about this to anybody. Apparently, one day the ass got so drunk, he beat her up till she fell unconscious. Fearing she was dead, he drove off in his car and met with an accident. Good that he died on the spot. Ba***d. His soul must be burning in hell now. Poor Neha...she used to be so pretty and now she has to roam about with those scars. I cant understand why she still prefers to act as if she is a married woman. But now she stays alone, works alone here in Pune and goes home every weekend to meet her parents. Feel pity for her yaar...." , he stopped.
"I wonder why she did not tell you about this", he continued after a pause.
Jay was left speechless. He felt weak.
"I guess I know why", he replied.
The flute he was holding in his hands fell to the ground silent.



Neha opened the drawer of her cupboard and removed her diary. She began writing.

"Dear Dairy,
I met Jay yesterday after these many years. When he was with me in the bank, I was confused about his love for me, or rather my love for him. He loved me a lot. I guess I know about it and he does too. But as you know I was not very clear about the whole thing. The day I came to know he had left, I felt a strange kind of emptiness in my heart. The days following that the emptiness increased all the more. I had realised that I had already been in love with him. Its just that I didnt know about it. I guess if he had informed me that he would be leaving, I would have stopped him and accepted his proposal. He didnt leave me any hint to get to him, to reach him. My parents were worried and were pressurising me to get married. I had no other option but to give in to their demands. I thought maybe this was going to be a new start. A happy married life without Jay. I thought the emptiness Jay had left me with would be filled up with the love of my husband. Unfortunately, life had different plans for me. the rest you know. Maybe this is my punishment for rejecting the love which had come my way. The scars on my body will always remind me of the mistake I did. But its those scars deep inside my heart which will never be washed away. I guess Jay has moved on with his life. He seemed to be very happy in the bus. He had found his passion and had made it his life. I did not want to interfere with his dream and his goals again. That is why I had to hide the truth from him. I also did not give him my number or address yesterday for the same reason. You can understand me right. I hope he does too. Anyways, I beg you to pray with me... for him. May he get all the happiness in the world. And all the pain which I might have given him be washed away. Its getting late now. I have to sleep. May God bless me and May God bless Jay. Good night."

I will always be there.

When the times are hard, and the moments rough
When your strengths' all gone, and your life is tough.
When you feel very lonely, when you feel all low
When you want to smile, when you want to glow.
Just think of me, I will always be there.

When people you need are no more around
When friends you want are hard to be found.
When you feel hurt, when you feel very lost,
When you feel like crying, thinking of your past.
Just think of me, I will always be there.

When the whole world feels like a maze
When there is no where you can gaze
When you feel you are hounded by troubles,
When your heart seems to be bursting like bubbles,
Just think of me , I will always be there.

When the future seems no more bright,
When love seems to be out of your sight
When there is no pillow for you to shed that tear
I will make sure my shoulder would be somewhere near.
Just think if me, I will always be there.

Your are dear to me than the heaven above.
Give me one chance to prove my love,
Trust me on this, please dont go
Take my hand now, I will never let go.

Candle...unlit

"Ok see you at the church", Shaun said over the phone. Shirley hung the phone. She was excited. Today was going to be the day. A day she would like to remember.

She knew Shaun for sometime now. They had first met at the church. Sunday Mass. He was kneeling down in the same row as hers, next to his mother. She noticed him because even after kneeling down, he looked so tall. It was love at first sight for her. She noticed him every Sunday. As luck would have it, their moms started talking and inturn... them. "Thank you Christ", she had said for letting us know each other.

They soon became very good friends. But she had already given her heart to him the first day. She loved him. She had never told him. She thought he loved her too. 'But with guys you can never be sure', she used to think. She used to get so jealous when she found him staring at other girls. That jealousy used to turn to anger when he spoke with them. She used to tell him that she didnt like it. But he used to laugh it off.

Here she was now, standing outside the church, recollecting all the days she had spent with him, going to do something she had never done before. She noticed him, he was standing on the opposite site of the road, buying a candle. He looked as good as ever. He waved to her with a smile crossing the road."I will light an extra candle if he says YES today", she thought.

"Hey, Good morning", he said coming closer. "Someones looking fresh", he said winking. "I am always fresh, But you are the one who is smelling good for a change" , she replied smiling. "By the way, there is something I..... ", "Come lets go inside", he interupted her, laughing.
Inside the choir had already started. A while later, all were on their knees. She was beside him.



She looked at him, he had closed his eyes. "Cmon Shirley, this is it. This is the moment.", she thought to herself. Without thinking much, she moved closer to him, wanting to whisper something in his ears. "I love you", she tried to whisper. But only her lips moved, no sound came out. She smiled and got back to normal position.

After the mass ended, just as they were about to leave, she pulled Shaun aside in the church corner and spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell you something. Hope you dont get angry. I .. I ....", she stopped seeing Micheal who was coming towards them. Micheal, their common friend.
"Hi Shirley.", he said quickly moving his head towards Shaun. "Dude, coming to the ground for cricket, the whole gang is coming.", he said."Yaa....sure...just a second....will join you.", he replied turning towards Shirley again. Micheal left.

Shirley thought to herself. "Maybe I should tell him some other time". "No Shirley NO.....this is the time. You might never have as much courage as you have now. You have to say it NOW.

"Shirley....Shirley", Shaun said snapping his fingers in front of her face. "You were saying something." Without thinking much, Shirley spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell this for a long time now. I love you. I cannot live without you.", she said in one go. Her hands were trembling. Her eyes were down. She looked up from what seemed like an eternity even though it was not even a second.Shaun was looking at her. His eyebrows had twichted. No reaction on his face. She repeated," Shaun I really love you. I am telling you this in the home of God. I know its not good to swear. But I swear on God, I cant live without you." This time she sounded more confident.

Shaun smiled. "You know something", he spoke. " You should have told me ....""HEY SHAUN. YOU COMING OR WHAT? " , Micheal shouted from the door.
"Gotta go now, meet me at 4 in the evening. Same place.", he shouted and ran out with Micheal, leaving Shirley perplexed.

"You should have told me ..."..what does he mean? Was it a wrong time to tell him? Was it the wrong place? Or was it the wrong thing? But there is no proper time, place where you can tell such a thing. I had to tell it now, or it could have been never. Does he love me too ? Did he not like me saying it? Damn that Micheal !! Damn the game of cricket!! Oh God,
what do I do now. Wait till 4 pm. what will he say then. Oh God , please help me through this. Let me light another candle."

Shaun was at the nearby bus stop now, just around the corner. Micheal was there and so were many of his friends. Everybody was talking about the match day before. The diving catch by Yuvraj, the sixer hit by Dhoni and how Gilchrist was clean bowled by R.P Singh. But Shaun was a non existent listener in the group. He was thinking about what Shirley had said. Her face was coming in front of his eyes. Her eyes that spoke so much. The slight dimple on her cheek. That lovely smile. That ...
"What are you staring at the road and smiling, dude....the bus is here.", Micheal interupted yet again. The bus came, the bus stopped. Micheal was the first to hop in followed by the rest of the crowd. It was Shaun's turn next. He put one foot on the steps of the bus. The conductor
shouted, "Fast fast" ...

"I cant wait till 4. Let me settle this matter right away. Cricket can wait." he stepped down, leaving Micheal shouting "Dude, What the ..." The bus zoomed away.

Shaun began to walk back towards the church. It had started to drizzle now. "Maybe she is still there" . he thought. He came to his senses, when he heard some people running around the corner, towards the church. He overheard someone saying "Someones been hit........A car....A girl..."
Shaun's heartbeat stopped. He started running towards the church with a silent prayer in the head. The rains were getting heavier. He was totally drenched now. As he turned the corner, he saw a group of people surrounding someone.He saw a red car. As he came closer, he saw a body on the road. It was a girl for sure. He pushed people aside.

"Poor girl", someone said.

"Someone call the ambulance."

"Wait I will call the police"

"SO sad."

"She was going to the church with the candle."

Shaun moved closer. It was her. It was Shirley. She was bleeding from the head. She was soaked more in blood than the rain water. He went closer. There was a candle near her body.

"Dont go close to the body", someone shouted. "Let the police come."

Shaun didnt heed. He picked the candle and went on his knees near her. He put the candle in her hand. He was too shocked to cry. His heart had stopped beating. His lips were dry. He
picked her wet body up and hugged her. His eyes soon burst open. Tears were running down his cheeks with full flow.

"...I LOVE YOU TOO..." , he shouted at the top of his voice hugging her as tightly as he could. The sound of the ambulance echoing in the background.

=======================

"Wow, that was ....sad....touching", I said to Jobin as he was lighting the candle in the church.
"This is the very candle. Shirley's candle. Light it after I pass away", was what he had said to me", he continued. "He had kept it with him for these many years." Jobin had tears in his eyes.

"My grandfather used to always tell me. If you love someone, you say it right then and there. At that very moment you feel like saying it. That one chance you get can sometimes be the only because at times God can be cruel and not give you any another chance. Whatever you have to think, think NOW. Whatever you have to say, say NOW. Whatever you have to do , do NOW. If you love someone say it NOW. Dont worry about the outcome." Jobin continued.

"I will miss him", Jobin said wiping his tears. I put my hand on his shoulders. It had started to drizzle outside.

You fill up my senses...I love you till the end...

I had gone to one of my friend's house the other day and he just played a couple of songs in his laptop. When the below song started playing, he asked to me close my eyes and listen to it. I did just that and what I felt cannot be described. It was such a lovely song I had never heard before. He told me that it was his girlfriend's favourite song and now his too. :-)
"Well....its one of mine too now", I had said.
"you can have the song, but not my girl", he had winked.

Anyways..here is the song.

==========================================
You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

INSTRUMENTAL VERSE......Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

---> ANNIE'S SONG (John Denver)
===========================================
Incidentally, this song was written by the singer John Denver for his wife named Annie.
The song became more famous as "Annie's song"!!

Listen to it :
URL : http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/1/annie_s_song/1.html








Well, there was another song I heard that day. It was also pretty good.

I LOVE YOU TILL THE END.... : POGUES
==============================
I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end...
==============================

Incidentally again, I came across this song again when I was seeing a movie "P.S. I Love You" which a friend had asked me to see.
This ones a lovely song too. I like the way it ends.

URL: http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/7/love_you_till_the_end/1.html

Sometimes...life

Sometimes you feel life is like a jigsaw puzzle. Everything you do, everything you want, you need, you desire, you wish etc etc are all scattered around. And all you do throughout your life is to put those pieces, or infact try to put those pieces together. Sometimes you end up putting a few pieces together and then you realize that "no... this one wasn’t meant to be here, it should be somewhere else.". You take decisions. You remove those pieces stuck together and try to adjust different ones in that place, hoping those fit in there. Some do....some dont.

You keep on searching for the right ones. Search , search and search. Search the ones farthest from you, forgetting to look at the near ones first. Sometimes after you have finished looking for the ones farthest away from you, you realize that the one you were looking for is the one closest to you. It has been there with you all this while. You just didn’t look. You ignored it. Well, your whole life goes in searching for those pieces, putting them together and trying to solve the puzzle. Some people manage to put all the pieces together before their time gets over. Some dont.
Their scattered pieces remain scattered all the time. No matter how much they try, they just are not able to solve the puzzle. Unlucky chaps. Sometimes, they wish they were given a different jigsaw puzzle to solve. But you can only wish. Coz what you have been given, is what you have. You cant change, you cant ask. You have no choice. Solve it. Keep trying. Well the puzzle solving goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes you feel life is like a boat. You are the captain. You are in control of the sails. You sail away from the shore out towards the unknown sea. Not because you want to but because you have to. Again a choice you have to make. With the same amount of pain in your heart for leaving the safety zone of the shore is the amount of excitement to look forward for something new. You pull those sails and explore.

You keep on sailing towards the unpredictable sea waiting for you. Speaking of unpredictable, here, sometimes you feel life is like the sea. Life is indeed unpredictable. Also, just like the sea which keeps returning to the shore, no matter how far you go from your loved ones, you just feel like going back to them. Hey, but we were talking about the boat here. You keep moving on, having to face the calmness and the smooth ride sometimes and at other times turbulence and storms. Well the boat sails on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like playing cards. You know what you have and what you dont. With what you have, you have to try to make the most of it and try to win. You may have some good cards, some bad ones, but you cant do anything much. All you have to do is play and you have to make decisions, which ones to play with, and when, at what time. And you have to make those decisions quick.

You have to sometimes keep track of your oppositions, take into account other peoples cards and see what they do with theirs. Its always i, me, myself attitude most of us have which we carry all the time with life. Some people succeed in the game, feeling happy but loosing out the trust of other people on the way. Some people dont. They carry on even if they loose and want to start a new game. Well the game goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like ……….aaaahhgg forget it.
What the heck. What is this I am writing?? Don’t I have anything better to do??
Don’t youuuu have anything better to do. All you people reading this, get back to your life.

I need to solve my own jigsaw puzzle, I need to sail out towards the sea and oh shit, its my move next for throwing the playing card. Adios Amigos.