phir kyun dil ...

raah me milte he, kai saare chehre
bas ek chehra kyoun is dil ko bhata he
kya khaas he usme, yeh jaanta  bhi nahi
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...
 
dekhti he jab woh, mujhe taak kar
ankho me khokar uske duniya bhul jata he
kya jaado he usme, yeh jaanta bhi nahi
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...
 
khud ko bhulake, baaho me uske
sukoon jo itna dil ko aata he
kya junoon he usme, yeh jaanta bhi nahi
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

sapno me khokar, jahan basa leta he yeh
khush khudko itna tab pata he
kya jannat he usme, yeh jaanta bhi nahi
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

haath pakad ke uska, haatho me
raasta pata nahi kaise kat jata he
waqt kaise guzar jata he, yeh jaanta bhi nahi
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

dua maangta nahi, kiski k liye kabhi
jab bhi mangi to wohi yaad aata he
kya khudayi he usme, yeh jaanta bhi nahi
phir kyoun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

pyaar ishq mohabbat, to sirf alphaaz he
yeh kuch aur hi he, jo ehsaas ban jaata he
kya naam de ise, yeh jaanta bhi nahi 
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...
 
jhalak ke liye uske, tarasta he har roz
door jaake us se, ek pal na reh paata he
kya dor bandhi he uske saath, yeh jaanta bhi nahi 
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

adat ho gayee he uski is tarah
mehfil me bhi dil, tanha ho jata he
zindagi ka kya hoga aage yeh jaanta bhi nahi 
phir kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

 

phir bhi kyun dil, sirf usi ko chahta he...

The Second Proposal

The night was dark.
The air was cold.
The mood was bad.

It was just like any other day at work and Rashmi was doing what she did best - lots of "hardly" work, Sitting in her office, in her cubicle, her eyes looking at the computer screen in front, her mind was wandering all around the globe of her thoughts. Her beautiful journey was suddenly interupted by "Chin ta ta chita chita chinta ta ta" ringtone coming out from her cell.
 
"Hello" she said sharply, angry to be woken up from her daydream.
"Hello", a voice on the phone said. 

A simple commonly used word by many - Hello. Rashmi must have heard it a million times before from many different people. But this "hello" was different even though she felt she had heard it before. It made her heart beat in a way that no other "hello" has ever done before. It was like a magic spell of time travel throwing her back into another world. A world that had been destroyed yet living somewhere deep inside her.

"Kevin??", she replied slowly, almost pinching herself a little, not able to believe.
"Heyyyyy... Rashmi", Kevin replied.
"Kevvvviiiinnnnn...OMG...how r u doing...", Rashmi was overjoyed, feeling her heart beating twice as fast as before.

Only a few days back Rashmi was furious when his thoughts had brushed her mind. It had been years that they had talked or met. Kevin had not bothered to reply to her mails nor calls and she had decided never to reach out to him again. And now this. Just hearing his voice, made her smile, made her happy. The happiness that had eluded her for years. Her brain was suddenly flooded with all the moments spent with him. All those wonderful memories. Those eyes, that smile, his touch. That "Real" happiness everyone wishes for, that "real" love everyone longs for.

"I am doing fine. I landed in Delhi yesterday. Actually, I was fighting with myself whether to call you or not and I lost the fight and here I am speaking to you.", Kevin said without taking a breath.
"Okayy .. hmmmm .."she replied feeling strangely happy. 
"So...how have u been doing. Hope I am not disturbing you", Kevin said almost laughing.
Rashmi laughed back.
"Why are you laughing?", he asked.
"Why are youuuu laughing?, she replied back laughing even more loudly.

It was weird. Years had passed since their breakup but still it felt that nothing had changed. Rashmi remained quiet after controlling her laughter nerves. She was feeling happy for some known or unknown reason.

"This is weird right" ,Kevin continued. "I mean I never expected we would be laughing like this when we talk. I always felt that there is a bit of awkwardness when ex-s meet or talk after long time".

"Hmmm...well.. to be honest, even I am surprised. I was really angry with you for just walking out of my life like that. But now when I am hearing your voice, I dunno why all that anger and hatred towards you just evaporated." Rashmi replied.

"Hmmmm .." , was the only sound Kevin could make. "I am sorry Rashmi for giving up on you", he said after a moment of silence. "But hope you understand why".

"yaaaaa... lets not go into that now", Rashmi replied. "So tell me how have you been doing, how is work and everything"

"Dont change the subject Rashmi. I am trying to say something. Please hear me out. ", Kevin raised his voice a little.

"What do you want to say Kevin ? That you loved me once and then suddenly realised that nothing was going to work out, so you decided to just stop loving, walk out of my life as if everything would be fine. You had even mentioned it that dont worry time will heal everything. But NO kevin, it has not. My wounds are still open and your thoughts keep reopening them all the time. Time has passed, but I am still thinking about you even though now I should not", Rashmi paused.

" Even I still think about you Rashmi. I dont know why but no matter who I am with, I do not feel the same way I feel, when I am with you. There is something there which is binding us together Rashmi and that is why even after so many years, I still feel that as if it was only yesterday since I last spoke to you. Why does this happen. Coz i realised..... ", Kevin said without a pause.

Rashmi was silent, waiting to hear what he was got to say next.

"Coz i realised that the only thing in this world that really matters to me is you Rashmi.", Kevin replied slowly.

Rashmi was quiet. She didnt know wat to say. After an awkard silence, Kevin spoke again.

"Can we meet?", he replied almost begging in a way. Rashmi wanted to say No, but something inside her really wanted to see him. 
"I will be free in an hour", she replied not anwering in a yes or a no. 
"Ok, will come to pick you up outside your office.", he replied.
"Wait, do you know where I work now?", she replied surprised.
"I did my research... as always", Kevin replied with a smile.

An hour later, they were in a restaurant, close to Rashmi's house having dinner and listening to live romantic gazals being played out. Waiting for the food, talking about all the old moments they had shared together, and all the new things that happened in their lives in the past many years, laughing ocassionaly, smiling sometimes, just looking into each other eyes, having so much to say, but not finding words. They knew that there was something, some connection which made them feel, the way they felt, for each other. Its a rare feeling. Its like two souls talking to each other. Its divine.

Rashmi wondered why Kevin was back in her life and instead of being angry or staying away from him, why was she sitting with him having dinner. Deep inside she knew that no matter what happened, she would always love only one person and that is Kevin. She too never felt the same way for anyone else like she did for him. Perhaps fate had some plan in mind. Perhaps something interesting was going to happen in her life afterall. Perhaps she would still have a "lived happily ever after" moment soon. But then she was cautious. She didnt want to go into a dreamland so soon. She wanted to just take things as they came.

Kevin wondered how to tell Rashmi how he felt for her. It had been years, but he could never get over her. He came back for her, but would she accept him back. 

After having a lovely dinner and walking back home. It was cold. Rashmi replied, thank you, as Kevin made her wear his jacket. She felt good to be taken care of like this. Kevin realised that it was now or never.

As he stood with Rashmi below her society, Kevin looked straight into her eyes without saying a word.
"Kevin???", Rashmi replied with a smile looking straight back at him. He slowly stretched his hand and held her fingers gently.

"There is something I wanted to tell you for a really long time now. All this time, we were separate, I could never really let go of you. I thought about you each and every day, each and every moment. I tried my best not to, but I failed each and everytime.", he uttered slowly as Rashmi looked into his eyes.

"Now I dont really need to tell you this, but as they say sometimes words just need to be spoken out. There was a song once which said, that love cannot be expressed by lips, thats why in love eyes become the tounge. I knew that our eyes had already confessed what our heart desires were, but then saying it aloud and making it official was a big big committment to be made. I was scared of it, but not anymore. I know you already know this, but all i wanted to say was I love you very very much." Kevin said it ending with a smile. 

"Kevin ! ", Rashmi replied avoiding eye contact, not knowing what to say or how to react. "Are your proposing to me again.?", she replied finally with a calmness in her voice.

" Listen Rashmi. I may have said those 3 words to you already, but then that was then. There were some very important things that I wanted to say then but could not. And I need to tell it to you now before its too late. Now I dont know whether i love you truly, madly or deeply or whatever, but those are just words. All i know that when I look at you, my heart feels something inside it. I dont know how to describe that feeling, but its there. And i feel happy. What I really wanted to say was that
there are some things I want to do for the rest of my life, like
I just want to look at your face and keep looking.
I just want to see your smile.
I just want to look into those lovely eyes. If tears come in them, I want to drink them off before they fall to the ground and get wasted. They are precious. Everything about you is precious.
I just want to see you laugh like crazy, i want to make you laugh like crazy.
I want to get up everyday, see you next to me, sleeping peacefully in my arms.
I want to kiss you gently waking you up and when you smile at me, want to hug you tightly.
I want to see you get ready, put on your clothes, see you put on your daily makeup.
I want to watch you while you comb your wonderful hair, tilting your head at one side and then the next, smiling at me from the mirror, a little shy.
I want to hold your hand and go for long walks.
I want you to hold my arm near my elbow and rest your head on my shoulders.
I want to hold you in my arms and tell you each day how beautiful you are.
I want to hug you tightly and never let go.
If you are worried about something, I want to kiss you gently on your forehead and tell you everything is going to be okay.
I want to be there for you, by you, with you at all times.
I want to take care of you and make lots of babies with you. I want us to bring them up together till they finally stand on their own feet.
I want to see your hair turn grey slowly, want to watch you get fat and get wrinkles and become old, but still looking very pretty.
Then I want to wait with you, hold your hand, till life departs from my body. And before I leave this world, I want to wish and pray that if there is a next life, I get you back in it and I get to relive it all over again with you and only you. ",  Kevin replied speaking each sentence clearly and slowly.

Then he went on his knees, removed a ring and said "I Love you so very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me ".

Rashmi had tears in her eyes already. She was laughing at the same time. 
"Yes", she replied as they hugged and kissed.

The night was dark.
The air was cold.
The mood was good.

Once again...

Once again, I try to be strong, in front of fate
About to take my love away, on any given date
"Why?" I ask, "why does it always have to be me?"
It laughs mockingly, "this is how its meant to be".

Once again, I say its wrong, like a bloody twisted joke
Why is my heart, that is the one, always left broke
What wrong do i do, what awful sins do i make
That this punishment i get and a smile i have to fake.

Once again, why its me that always has to let go
Why is it me that always has to hear a no
Why am I the one who has to make the sacrifice
Why is it me that always has to be nice.

Once again, why is it me who has to suffer this pain
To watch my love being taken away again and again
In front of my eyes, a stranger sweeps it away
Leaving me helpless, having nothing to say.

Once again I ask what should I really do now
Be the looser, give up or keep fighting somehow
If loving someone so much, always ends up like this
Then why the hell do I love, why do I always miss.

Once again, I say that I loved with all my heart
Then why do I have to see it like this, being taken apart
Ripped to pieces, left scattered all over the floor
I cant even ask for help, knocking on any other door.

Once again someone comes and steals my love away
Leaving me looking like a dog, left to stray
What can I do, so as to not suffer this disdain
As my love walks away never turning back again.

Once again I am tired, the heavens too wont call me
Why cant they see me happy and just let me be me
Life becomes worthless, bloody dosent even end
Pain keeps poking, teasing me at every other bend.

Once again one more tear washes away the previous one
The heart shrinks inside the chest, mind sits undone
Had already lost faith in God, love will be soon to follow
As I look at myself in the mirror, so empty and so hollow.

Once again I cry, once again I die,
Once again to myself I have to lie
That things will be good, future will be bright
Once again in the dark, I hope to see the light.

Once again ...

Those 3 words... - Part 2

As Mihir was driving away from Chandni, he recollected her face, how she looked at him. He thought to himself. Who was he kidding. He loved her. A lot.  He stopped his bike at the side of the road and called her.

"Hello", Said Chandni.

"Heyyyy baby. Listen. All the thing I said about being cool and everything is all crap. Let me just put everything in plain simple words. I love you very very much. At this point of time, at this moment, the only thing that really matters to me is you and only you. No one or nothing is on my mind except u, all the time. Every second, every breath i take its you. I dont care about my parents or friends or relatives or society.. no one. Its just you. Please I beg you dont leave me. Please I beg you dont go with Zaheer. Please I beg you love me back forever. I really cannot live without you. You have come and made a place in my heart, secured it, throwing everyone inside it, out. Seriously. My heart beats for you, my mind thinks about you, my eyes long to see you, my hands long to touch you, my lips long to kiss you, my arms longs to hug you, all my senses are with you. I love you very very much. And seeing you being taken away like this kills me. Seeing you standing in front of me and knowing that I can never have you kills me. Feeling helpless like this kills me.  I dont know how to explain it, but its like my heart just shrinks, as if someone is squeezing it, smashing it, and it hurts a lot, unbearable pain. How can I let go of the one I love so much, again and again and again. What can I do. What should I do. Love you a lot baby", Mihir paused to take breath.

"Hey Mihir. I love you too. But think from my perspective also. How i am feeling. Do you think I feel all glad not being with you. Even I feel hurt. But think practically, our families will never agree. One day we have to get separated. We can never be together in this life. Think practically.", Chandni replied crying.

"Lets run away. Lets marry. Once we marry, then our families cannot do anything. They will be hurt. Society will say lot of things. But then we will be together. And we will be happy. And once they see us happy together, they will accept us. Please. I have seen this work with others before. Slowly every family accepts. Please baby. Lets run away. Please I cannot live without u. My life will again be empty and meaningless. I would feel lost again. Aimless. I would not have anyone to wake up for, anyone to look out for each day, anyone to live for. It like being trapped in an empty dark room baby. Its gets lonely. I have been there before baby and it hurts a lot. I dont want to go there again baby. I want you. I want to be happy with you. I love you. I will take care of you forever. I will be there for you at all times. I will never shout or get angry with you. Please baby. Pleaseeeeeeee.", Mihir replied crying again.

Mihir was now on his knees on the road. People walking and travelling watching him breaking down. Chandni calmed herself down.
 
"Mihir, listen dear. Dont talk about things that can never happen. Dont dream about all this. Come to your senses. Come back to the real world. I cannot hurt my parents. They will never agree. So will your parents. Please understand. Please stop all this.", she replied sounding firm in her voice.

"NO. I cannot live without you. I will make everyone understand. I will make everything right", Mihir said dropping the call.

Mihir stood up, started his bike and started driving away, thinking about what can he do. How can he convince his own parents, how can he convince her parents, how can he not loose the one he loves again. There has to be some way. Her face, her lovely face, her smile, her hair were flashing in front of his eyes. He loved his baby so much. He could not loose her. He was thinking about her. His looked up at the heavens above, to the so called Gods who sit there, asking for mercy. Asking for help. A divine intervention.

"THUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH..............."

He broke the signal and a huge truck hit his bike, throwing him away almost 500m with a huge impact.
As he lay on the ground, in shock, unable to feel anything. He looked up, saw her face and closed his eyes. A huge crowd gathered around. The traffic cops called the ambulance.

"Hello", a horse voice spoke on the other end as Chandni answered Mihirs phone.
"Who is this", she replied curious.
"Madam, We found that your missed calls in the recent numbers and hence called you. Are you family? If not, please inform the family. There has been an accident.", the hoarse voice completed the sentence. Chandni felt her legs go weak. She was unable to think for a moment.                                    
 "OMG!!!", she started crying. "How is he", she asked back somehow.
"The boy has been taken to Aditi hospital.", was the reply.

Few hours later, Mihir's parents, and his friends were all the hospital. Mihir was being taken to ICU and had to be operated immediately. As they were desperately waiting outside, Chandni could not stop her tears. Her friends consoling her. She felt responsible for all this in a way and her friends telling her, its not her fault, it was just an accident. But she could not think of anything else. She was crying and praying at the same time for Mihir to be allright. Mihir's mom too had sunk in his dad's arms crying.

Hours later, the doctors came out. Everyone rushed to get Mihir's status.

"He is very serious, we have recovered him, but unfortunately he has gone in coma. He is under constant monitoring." , the doctor replied in one sentence before walking away. 
"can we see him", Mihir's mom and Chandni asked together at the same time in desperation.        "After sometime." , came the quick reply.

They had to wait hours before they let Mihir's parents go in. A couple of close relatives followed before they allowed Chandni inside.

As she walked inside the ICU, the smell of the hospital air, making her nervous already. Imagining how Mihir would be, making her more scared. She went inside. Seeing Mihir just broke her down. Covered in bandages and tubes coming from everywhere, his mouth, his nose, his chest, his hands, with machines all around him making beeping sounds, she saw him, as he lay on the bed, eyes closed. There were a scars on his face and hands. Chandni went closer as the nurse was changing his saline bottle. She looked at him closely. Only a few hours ago, he was standing in front of her explaining to her. Only a few hours ago, he was on the phone with her, begging to her. And now..... he was here on the hospital bed, in coma, fighting for life with death. She felt heavy inside her chest. She could never forgive herself if anything happened to him.
"heyyyyyy Mihir", she said in a slow low voice.                                                                          The nurse smiled and said, "He cannot hear you madam, he is in coma. All the senses disappear."
Chandni took his hand in hers.
"I Love you Mihir. Please come back", she said crying. 
To the nurse's surprise, the heart monitor started beeping faster and louder. They both looked at each other. 
"How did this... ", the nurse replied. " huh .. let go of his hand",
Chandni let go and the heart beat monitor came back to normal. The nurse moved across to her side and held his hand to check the heartbeat. No difference.
"His parents and relatives had come in before and also held his hand, but there was not much difference in the heart rate"., she replied curious.
"Hold his hand again", she said confused.

Chandni held Mihirs hand again and this time gave it a gentle squeeze. The heart beat monitor started beeping even more faster and louder this time.

"Let me call the doctor", she said running out. The doctor came running in and was amazed to see what was happening.

"Either you have magic hands or either he feels something only for you." , the doc replied. "Keep holding it and talking to him, and he should be out of coma soon. This is going to be a miracle."

A few hours later, Mihir was out of coma. He opened his eyes and looked at Chandni and smiled. He was unable to speak though at that moment. But a tear escaped from the corner of his eye. Chandni could not stop her own tears from flowing. And there was a smile on her face. A rare thing which happens only to a lucky few. Smile and tears together.

The news spread to the people waiting outside about the situtation which had happened. As Chandni walked outside, Mihir's mom came running and hugged her tightly. "Thank You beta", she said kissing her forehead.

Within a few days, almost everyone came to know about Mihir and Chandni and their love story. So did Zaheer. Mihir's parents were ready to accept Chandni as the girl who brought their son back from the dead. They went to meet her parents, expained everything to them, talking about how life is so short and fragile. And the only way to live it is with loved ones. The society and the people and the rules are all secondary. It is our life, one life and we have to decide how to live it happily. They made her parents realise how much Chandni too loved Mihir and would be happy with him. And that they themselves would keep Chandni like their own daughter.

Mihir was discharged after a month, and was back to normal in a few days.
Scars remained on his face and body, but he was his usual self.
A year later they were married, holding hands walking on the beach.

"I love you", he said those 3 words looking into her eyes.
"I love you too", she replied back giving one tight hug and they continued walking.

YOU...

People will come, and people will go
sometimes u just have to learn to say no
whatever happens, happens for a reason
keep the memory, forget everything each season.
the only person who really stays with you...is YOU.
 
Love is nothing, a mere waste of time
some people can get it even for a dime
its nature's way of screwing up your mind
keep moving on, keeping everyone behind
the only person who really loves u...is YOU.

Life is a punishment, a sentence to serve
a bit of heaven, hell lurks around that curve
mindless drama, useless bonds to be made
broken and shattered, alas you end up dead
the only person who really lives with u....is YOU.
 
One god here, and another one over there
different names they call him, everywhere
a trick asked to be believed by those came before us
and we keep getting fooled, without making a fuss
the only person who really believes in you....is YOU.

Wherever u go, people are going to hurt you
some will succeed and others are gonna hate you
each passing day, is a survival of the fit
others will throw u down, drown u in shit
the only person who really stands up for u...is YOU.

Call me selfish, call me lame
but trust me all this reality is just one crazy game
either you win or you shall forever loose
time flies away, just looking for the damn clues
the only person who really understands you...is YOU.

Remember !  this is your fking life and your rules to follow
hard as it may sound, but this is what you need to swallow
there is no one or nothing here you can actually own
you come alone in this world, and you shall go alone
the only person who really walks with you...is YOU.

bhulake har ek ghum...

teri aankho me yeh jo nami he, kaash isko mita sakte hum
tere chehre pe sada k liye, kaash muskaan la sakte hum
is dil ko kaise manaye, toot raha he har pal humdum
pyaar to fir bhi karta he tumse, bhulake har ek ghum

tere zulfon ki chhaav ka sukh, kaash paa lete hum

teri jhooti hasi ke peeche ka dookh, jaan lete he hum

is dard ko kaise bhagaye, beh raha he ashq bankar humdum

haath thaamke bas chalna he sang tere, bhulake har ek ghum

teri dil ke darwaze ka rukh, kaash mod lete hum

teri naram baahon ke samandar me, kaash doob jaate hum

is pyaar ke khatir, khud ko mitate he har pal humdum

hothon ki nami ko mehsus kar lu tere, bhulake har ek ghum

teri mulakat ke intezaar me jo maza he, kaash samjha sakte hum

tere pyaar ki intehaan ki jo saza he, kaas mita sakte hum

is dil ki mehfil me koi aur nahi, bas tum ho har pal humdum

zubaan se dil ka haal sun le mere, bhulake har ek ghum

teri parchayee se bhi pyaar karte he, kaash bata sakte hum
teri har ek ada pe fida he bepanaah, kaash jata sakte hum
is sookhi si zindagi me khushiyon ki baarish laati ho harpal humdum
dil khol ke rakh de sanam tere liye, bhulake har ek ghum

tere dil ki dhadkan me hum, hamari har ek saans me ho tum

tere har ek khwaab me hum, hamare har ek ehsaas me ho tum

is haseen pal me, har lamhe ki yaad ho tum, harpal humdum

sirf adat nahi, zindagi ho meri...jeene k liye, bhulake har ek ghum

fir se aankh me aansu he aya...

har din uthke bas aapka hi khayal aata he
har raat me aapki yaadein basti he
haath jab pakadte he aap humara kaske
saari pareshaniyaaan door hoti he

zindagi me aake saari khushiyaan bhar di aapne
dheere dheere saare ghum ko mere mita daala
pyaar kab hua aapse, pata bhi nahi chala humko
aankho se aisa kya jadoo chala dala

bhool gaye duniya ki rasmo ko, chalte rahe us raah par befiqr hum
bichadne ka khayal nahi sochkar, bas aur kareeb ate rahe hum
dil ki awaaz to pehle se sun li thi, aankho se bayan jo kar chuke the
pyaar ka izhaar bhi der se kiya, par sab kuch pehle se jaan chuke the

baahon me aakar aapke, saari duniya bhul jaate he hum
kuch dhyaan nahi rehta, kuch yaad karna nahi chahte he hum
khwaabon me aksar, paa lete he aapko bahut kareeb
khuda se bhi jyada, ishq karne lage aapse hum

 

mohabbat ke dekhe he humne bahut saare nazare
par aapne jo dikhaya use kaise bhool payenge hum
maut bhi aayegi bulane agar aapke ishare par
to uske saath khushi khushi chale jayenge hum

kaandhe par sar rakh ke, jab bhi roya aapne
dil se lagakar, aansuon ko aapke pi bhi liya
har waqt saath diya he aapka humne
baaho me aapke, humne bas jee bhi liya

humne itni mohabbat ki he aapse, itna pyaar tha jataya
fir kyoun zindagi denewale ne, fir se hume usi mukaam par laya 

jahan sirf tanhayee aur ghum ka saaya he chaya

dard ne dil ki deewar pe firse ek aanch he laya

                                                                 
kaash aisi duniya hoti, jahan jalta sirf humare pyaar ka diya
badal barsate phool humpar, kabool karte haath aapka
koi kaata na chubta hume, koi shaqs beech me na aata
zindagi khushiyon se bhar dete hum, kabhi na bichadta saath aapka

woh pyaar hi kya jise majboor kiya jaaye
zabardasti se jisko dil me utara jaaye
pyaar to woh hota he jo bas ho jaata he
chupke se joh dhadkan me sama jaata he

ab khade he us mod pe hum fir se, jahan raasta alag ho chala
kaise chod denge haath aapka, kaise bhul payenge bhala
dhadkan ban gayee ho, jaan meri, dil me bas aapko hi paya
fir se kuch toot raha he andar, fir se aankh me aansu he aya... 

fir se aankh me aansu he aya.. 
fir se aankh me ..

Those 3 words...

Mihir woke up even before the alarm clock could ring. This was happening for quite many days now. Today, was just like any other day with her thought being the first to come in his mind. But he had to do it. He had to tell her how he felt. For better or worse, he had to. An hour later, he got ready and drove to her house without having a clarity of what and how he was going to tell her.

"Hey Chandni, I am standing below your house. Can we talk.", said Mihir with a trembling voice.
"Mihir !.. what happened. Is everything all right", replied Chandni concerned.
"Yes, can you come down for a few minutes.......please", Mihir added that please in desperation.
"OK be there in 5min" was the reply.

5min. Mihir had just 5min to think about what he was going to say about how he was feeling. He tried hard to make up sentences or gather his thoughts but he was not able to. Before he could properly finish one sentence in his head, Chandni up right in front of him.

"Hi Mihir", she said.
"Hey babyyyy...i mean Chandni", he replied correcting himself drowning yet again in her beauty.
"What happened Mihir?",she said concerned.
"Well...about what is happening between us.", Mihir started coming straight to the point.
"This awkwardness. This uneasiness. This mess up. Its killing me everyday, every min. I cant seem to stop thinking about it. I just needed to talk to someone about it. And i could not find anyone but you. So please just listen" , Mihir said his voice shaking a bit.

Chandni looked at him and said, "Go on Mihir, I am listening".

Mihir and Chandni were together for over a year. What started as friendship suddenly evolved into a feeling connecting their hearts together in an inseparable way. It took Mihir a lot of time to put all his past behind and finally tell Chandni, one day, whispering in her ears as she slept on his lap, those 3 words. 
But with the situation they were in, they always knew that it was going to be tough. Being together was easy. Staying together was the tough part. Both their families were very orthodox and convincing them was without doubt an impossible task. It was not even worth trying because they knew the answer they were going to get. A "No". And it was not worth broadcasting to their friends, so they had to keep it between themselves about what they had, how they felt for each other. But still they were together trying to live in the moment. Trying to extract every bit of happiness they could... for as long as they could. But as fate would have it, every thing has an expiry date and their relationship was no different. One fine day, they decided that they needed to put an end to all this. They needed to break up for the sake of everyone's happiness. Their parents were already searching for their respective life partners and it would break ones heart as and when the other got their "fixing" done with someone else. So they could not drag what they had to the last day because they knew it would hurt a lot. So they decided that they had to stop seeing each other. They had to be friends once again. But things got complicated when Zaheer, her friend proposed to her on the very day of their break up. Mihir hated him. 
"What did you tell him", Mihir had asked Chandni desperation in his voice.
"I just told him, i  need time", she had replied.
"Well. ok. I am happy for you. He is good. Your families know each other and he loves you very much and he will take care of you nicely.", Mihir had replied with a pain in his heart.
"But i love you Mihir", she replied crying.
"Heyyyy its ok. Everything will be fine.". Mihir said wiping her tears and hugging her in his arms.
A month had passed and here Mihir was standing in front of Chandni wondering how to continue further.

"OK...let me begin right from the start. The first day we met. I was already heartbroken from my past. Everything around me seemed meaningless and dark till I saw you. You were the light which could save me from how i was feeling....lost. Your hair, your smile, your eyes, just seeing you was enough to bring a smile on my face. You were like a breath of fresh air when i feel choked up. But i took it slowly. I controlled myself. I didnt want to spoil the friendship. I enjoyed your company. I loved that child in you and I respected that mature woman in you as well. You were the most beautiful, most understanding and most perfect gf or wife anyone could have. And I really wished we could marry each other. But I knew it was going to be tough. Thats the reason I could not say those 3 words to you for a long long time, even though I knew deep inside how I felt and how you felt. But then when we decided not to see each other anymore, thats when i realised how much you were a part of my life already and how much I would be missing you.", Mihir said in one breath.

Chandni was listening patiently. "Mihir", she said trying to convince him that it is too late.

"Just listen..please.", Mihir said with his eyes getting moist. "It hurts Chandni. I am sorry but it really hurts deep deep inside seeing you with Zaheer. You know how much I hate that guy. There are some people you just hate for no particular reason and he was one of them. And it really hurts me to see the one person I loved so much with the one person I hate so much. And all this happened right after our breakup, which hurts even more. I did not have time to recover. You stiched up my broken heart but the stiches are tearing up again and the wound is opening up again and the pain is coming back again. I feel life has gone a full circle and my life has ended up on the same point before I found you. The same lonely, confused, meaningless life. Its too dark once again and i dont have a light to take me out. I dont have anyone to wake up for each day. Everything i do seems meaningless. Life itself seems a formality. Huh... I know I am strong, I always have been, but loosing you in this way slowly and in front of my eyes....just rips my heart out.....i feel breathless.....choked up....the heart feels so heavy and the throat goes dry and the tears dont stop and the mind is in pain. All the fking time.", Mihir said clinching his fist hard and hitting his forehead.

"Mihir...please", Chandni replied.

"Wait wait.. i havent finished yet", replied Mihir taking a deep breath. "I know all that I have said is only from my point of view about how I feel and about how I see it. But i also understand your side. I thought about it a lot. We both always knew that our relationship was going to hit the wall someday. I thought about an opposite scenario. What if Zaheer had not proposed to you. What if some other girl would have proposed to me on the day of our breakup. Someone who loved me very much and someone you hated. How would I feel then looking into her eyes and not able to truly love her the way I loved you but still thinking about giving it a chance. But if you really want to know how I feel, try to imagine how would you feel then... seeing me in another girls arms immediately after our break up. Wouldnt it hurt you as well." , Mihir paused as tears rolled out of his eyes. He covered his face with his hands trying to think about what he was going to say next.

"Yes it would very much", Chandni replied calmly. Her voice filled with pain.

"Exactly. This is how i feel. But having said that. I thought about it and I am happy for you in a way. Its good that you found someone before me. Its good that "I" am the one who has to go through the suffering and pain of seeing his love being taken away like this and not "you". I am experienced in all this and have seen it, suffered it before. Trust me, its really painful and I am sure you would not have been able to bear the pain. SO good that he proposed to you, i know his expression of love is different from mine, more filmy, more materialistic, more to do with things that can be seen or touched first ...rather that can be felt first, but he was always a showoff anyway and thats why I hated him," Mihir said smiling.

Chandni broke a smile too. A mixed emotion actually , a forced smile which comes when u want to wrap up the sadness.

"But please please please dont just rush into things. Be clear of how you really feel and what you really want. Dont just fall for someone because they proposed to you. Fall for someone when you really feel it inside your heart. Fall for someone whom you love too. Dont jsut think that 'ok, this is a person I can live my life with' and marry someone. Ask yourself, \is this the person i cannot live my life without' and marry him instead. Ok having said that, I thought about it and thought and thought that the only thing that matters to me is to see you smile ...oh what a beautiful smile you have....and be loved and for you to be happy. So if there is some guy out there who would give you all that,(even if he is the guy I hate), I should not interfere right. I should let you go right? ", Mihir said pausing for breath before continuing.

 "I just wonder why does it always have to be me all the fking time to make such a sacrifice over and over and over again. Why cant for once I get someone who I really want. Why is it me who has to be the great lover who sacrificed his love for someone else. Who sacrificed his happiness for the person he loved. Why is it me who has to suffer that unbearable pain to see ones love in someone elses arms. But then the fact is. This is it. I am cursed. My life will always be like this. People will come in it and be there with me, pull me from all the misery, give me all the happiness and just when i think that everything is going to be allright, life will put me back in misery again, snatch away everything that belongs to me. Its like a never ending repeating process. And i am TIRED of it. Tired of all the emotional baggage and the mental trauma associated with all this. I am tired of getting hurt again and again. I wish there was a switch inside me which I could just turn off forever and not feel anything.... for anyone.... anymore.... ever again. I wish", Mihir said feeling better now, having let go of what he had been holding on to for a month now.

Chandni was looking at him with tears in her eyes. She didnt know what to say. She had two guys with her. One whom she loved and who loved her back very much, but whom she could not marry. And the other who loved her very much and whom she could marry. But was this really the guy for her. Why could not she feel the same way when he said those 3 words to her, the way she felt when Mihir said it. Why could not she feel the same way, when he held her hand, or touched her, the way she felt when Mihir did the same.Could one day, would she be able to love Zaheer the way she loved Mihir. Thinking practically and from the family's perspective Zaheer was the guy she could live with, but would he ever be the guy whom she could not live without. She thought about it a lot.

"I am sorry Mihir", was all she could utter though with Mihir staring at her.
 
"Its ok. Everything is cool. Just wanted to tell you this", Mihir said feeling lighter now. "Well, be happy dear, God bless you with all the happiness. Oh yes, there is one more thing. I got a new job in Mumbai. So would be moving there in a few days. Perhaps its a good thing. Perhaps not seeing you around would ease some of my pain and i hope the other way round too. Tell you later about it. Have to go now."., Mihir said as he drove away as Chandni watching him till he disappeared around the curving road, her heart feeling a weird kind of pain.

TO BE CONTD...

The Trip...

"Get up little bro", Sam said hitting Jim on the back of his head. 
"Pack your stuff soon, we are leaving in 15min for Goa, and YOU are coming with us."
 
Jim woke up rubbing and hiding his eyes, sore and red from the previous nights crying and sobbing.His girlfriend had just ditched him for another guy. But he had not told anyone about it. 

"Huh... no Sam, its 'your' trip with your 'your' friends... what will i do there", replied Jim trying to avoid being dragged into this trip. At this moment in his life, all he needed was some peace and alone time to think things through.
 
"Oh Come on ! ... your are talking as if u dont know them, as if you have never been out with us before, cmon man...NO more questions and just pack your things quickly, dont make us wait. See you down in 15min, not a min more. Now HURRY up you dickhead", replied Sam packing the last few things of his own as he spoke.

A few hours ride in the bus and Jim was already feeling weird. He was in a relationship for more than a year now. He loved Nidhi so much, but somehow somewhere things dont go as you plan and Nidhi soon realised that only love is not enough. If life is to be lived, love can be put aside for more materialistic things and that is what everyone does and so did she. She tried hard to explain to Jim, but getting your heart broken was really quite painful for a guy like Jim.
 
Sam and his friends were at the back of the bus, singing along, hurling abuses at each other.
Jim forced a smile. "It works really", Nidhi had told him once. "When you feel sad, all you need to do is force a smile on your face and your brain will release happy hormones", she had said.
Jim forced his smile wider, looked outside the window. The bus speeding past the green canopy and the fresh breeze hitting his face, blowing his hair, as if trying to wash away all the memories of Nidhi from his head. He was feeling better now. Jim lost track when his eyes had shut and they reached Goa a few hours later.
 
It was bright and hot as usual and they were thristy already.
"Sam, lets go drink something. I am thirsty. I think I saw a fruit juice centre at the corner", Jim said unloading his bags. Sam and his buddies started laughing loudly as soon as Jim had finished.
"Dude, you dont come all the way to Goa just to fruit juice, here we are going to have different kind of juices", Sam said winking at his buddies who were leaving out for a smoke.
"Now, come on, we are heading for the beach, Change soon.", Sam replied. Jim was not feeling too enthu about this trip. As he was slowly unpacking stuff.
"Hurry up Jim, and just forget her man, shit happens."Sam said startling him.
"huhhhhh... How did you know", Jim asked surprised and a bit angry.
"I am your brother dude, now dont feel sad and all, let it go", Sam replied.
Jim threw his shirt banging on the bed hard more angry with himself for not able to control his own emotions.
"DONT tell me what to feel, all my fking life people have been telling me i do things wrong that i am the fking asshole...even she said it once ....and i look around and i see everybody else are more infintely fked up than i am, all your friends and even you Sam, even you", Jim said now on his knees near the bed.
Sam smiled came to him and pressed both his hands on Jim's cheeks and ear tightly and looked straight into his eyes and said "Let it go, bro". And walked outside with his friends for a quick smoke.

The beach was crowded, people seemed to have descended from everypart of the world here. Sam and his friends were already in the water for a swim. Laughing screaming splashing water on each other. Jim followed them carefully inside. A few minutes in the water and he really felt relaxed. "Let it go, bro", Sams words kept ringing inside his ears as he took deep breaths. Fun, laughter, abuses, sun tan, waves, and a nice view all around made him feel better, much better now. 

Time soon passed and the sun began to set. In a few hours, Jim found himself sipping from a coconut after having survived the relentless persuasion from all of Sam's friends to try beer or feni or any other thing they were offering. It was only after Sam's intervention that his friends shut up. They were around a bonfire watching the sun go down, holding onto their beer bottles and just staring blankly at the sea.

"This is life", one of his friend said."the 3 Bs... Beer Babes and Beaches".
"Fuck you man, you are high.", replied Sam.
"Alcohol is poison", replied another taking one large gulp himself.
"Then why do you drink it?", Jim interuptted him and everyone just stared as if since he spoke after a really long time, and also because none of them could think of a proper answer.
"Because there are things inside us, we want to kill", replied Sam in one go.

"yaa", "cheers to that" ,"You rock Sam", echoing in the background.

"When you find that one person who connects you to the world...you become someone different..someone better but when that person is taken away from you...what do you become then?", Jim continued.
"Dude, when your cellphone connection or reception is not good, what do you do then, just get a new connection dude", replied one.
"i didnt understand which connection are we talking about", replied another.
"Airtel, Vodafone, Idea", replied the third.
"kismat konnection", replied the fourth.

"HAHA" "Awesome" " Pathetic" " Abey Chu ", echoing in the backgrond.

"OH SHUT UP all of you." ordered Sam. "Jim, bro, look around, what do you got to feel miserable about", Sam replied pointing to the beach, the waves, the sky above their heads and nice hot looking firang babes walking around in bikinis on the beaches. .
"THIS is enuf ?" , he said.
"Welcome to the world where time stands still, where beer flows and always will
where there is no pain and your heart never aches, and you can fuck till your dick's content",
Sam replied in a very shakespearen tone. 

"Bravo" , " "WOW that was awesome" "i love u sam" " GAy sala" echocing in the background.

Jim went quiet.Sam put a hand on his shoulder and spoke. 
"Look bro, life is a bitch, it will keep throwing you in situtaions like the one you are facing, but come on, everyone has gone through it, I have, all these bastards have too at one point or another", he said pointing to his friends. "But that does not mean you can give up on life, The girl left you for someone else, so ? You had your special moments right? The important thing is that you had her in your life. The duration is really not in your hands. People come and go. Very few stay. Look at all of us here. At this moment of time, we are here together sipping on beer, five years from now, i am sure we all will be in different places. Life is such bro. Change is inevitable. There is no thing as one love or true love. Love is what we make it to be. Love is what we build, it does not self create itself. As a matter of fact, i sometimes doubt if there is such a thing called love at all, from the way I see it, it is mostly something of a habit. You get used to seeing someone everyday, meeting someone everyday, that you become habituated to her and then that is what we mistake to be love. Well, that is my version of it. Even if there is something called love, you should be happy that you got it.  You loved her with all your heart right, well she would be the one who would be missing you and your true love, not the other way round, so move on buddy."

There was an awkward silence which followed.
Jim trying to figure out if this was Sam talking or his beer.
Sams friends were trying to figure out what was being said, it was too much of an information to handle when their processors had been slowed down due to the beer.
Finally they spoke .

"Wow.." "Awesome" "You are high dude" "what the fuk was that" echoing in the background.

"Yaa Jim, just forget her man", replied one lying on his back staring at the sky.
"yaa look around, there are so many fishes in the sea", replied another
"yaa one train goes, another comes", replied the third
"yaa one goes ... uhhh ... " the fourth got stuck.
"HAHAHA...he is high." "HAHAHAH" ... Jim laughed at that too.
"Shut up assholes, i am trying to remember".
"HAHAHHAHAHAH ".... more laughter followed.

"haan... one girl goes, another girl comes, so forget the girl like i did", the fourth finally managed to utter something.
"its not so simple, but he will one day,  what was your story bevde?:, Sam asked him.
"Hmmm .. well buddy she wanted something different in a relationship"
"What did she want", Jim enquired.
"Me"
what did you want", Jim enquired again now confused.
"Me"..."And we both could not have ME".

Roars of laughter filled the night air and this time Jim joined in too.

"This is the first time you smiled since morning bro, cheers to that", Sam replied banging his beer bottle to the coconut Jim was holding.
"Sam ... Sorry about the outburst this morning", Jim said.
"Hey come on little bro", Sam replied. Always there for you.
"Can i have a sip", Jim asked pointing to the bottle Sam was holding onto.
Sam was surprised,"You sure", he asked.
"Yes man, life is too short to miss out on all the fun", Jim replied.
"well.. ok, but first you need to throw your stupid coconut away.", Sam replied leaving other laughing.

As the sun set down, Jim thought to himself. " Tomorrow is another day , A new start, A new life", he said sipping on the beer, feeling at peace finally.

This funny thing called life...

I see it everyday what lies ahead of me
out of my control, wanting to be free
I know I will miss it, but I have to let go
Wish there was some other way, a reason to say no.

Why does it hurts a lot, a weird pain in the heart

Seeing it being taken way like this, slowly apart

but if this is it, if it is meant to be

I hand it over to faith, surrender to destiny.

But then what is left of me, a confused soul
No where to hide, no purpose, no goal
I long for a look, a glance, a consoling feeling
But I find none, this awkardness is killing.

When days seem to have lost all meaning

And at nights one just feel like screaming

What is it that decides the path ahead

What choices can we make when chances are dead.

I often ask myself why does it happen so
People come closer, and then farther they go
What fun does HE see, what does HE really gain
By breaking thy heart in such a way, again and again.

I feel its pain, the suffering and the misery

But the choice has to be made, since future is a mystery

For its happiness always, the decisions are made

An effort to forget all the things done and said.

Ohhh .. tears shall fall, and wounds shall open wide
Memories shall fade away, and i will soon be aside.
The heart wants to hold on, but the mind is sane
This funny thing called life, driving itself insane.