Why Do I ?

A gentle breeze, that blows over my face
brings out the memories, of those forgotten days
Try as i might, so hard to ignore
the memories get stronger more, much more.

why do i feel that turmoil in my head
when i recollect all the things we had said
why do i feel that my heart still in pain
i thought it was over, but its started all over again.

why do i think about the promises, a future we had seen
dreams shattered to pieces, leaving me helpless within
why do i still imagine you standing by my side
wanting to reach out to you for help, to being my guide.

why do i still see you in my dreams
i cry out loud, with those ocassional screams
why do i still wish you were here
holding my hands, leaving me without fear.

why do i still imagine that life with you
the life we could have had, just me and you
why do i still want you back, so badly
even after knowing the reality, the fact sadly.



why do i keep counting the pieces of my broken heart
lying scattered on the floor, i kick them apart
why do i keep trying to feel the same love again
when the only feeling thats left inside me, is pain.

why do i keep putting on that fake mask
pretending to be happy, can be quite a task
why do i smile, hiding those tears in my eyes
end up living a life, filled full of lies.

why do i keep trying each day to push you away
failing miserably, i pull you back to stay
why do i keep blaming myself sometimes
trying to find a reason for separation, lost in times.

why do i keep searching for you everywhere
in everything, everyone here and there
why do i keep sinking in the emptiness of the soul
i feel lost, trying desperately to find my goal.

One thing i know, and i know thats for sure
for the pain i have, there is really no cure
The last day my life made any sense, my dear
was the last day i spent with you, when you were near...

The Last Time...

Akshay woke up. It was March 15 2011. Today was the day. The last day. He got ready and called up Zahira. It had become a routine for years now. But from tomorrow that routine was surely going to be interuptted.

"Hey...hi..what time would you be leaving for college today?", he asked.
Zahira was quite for sometime and replied,"The usual 8am bus from the junction bus-stop?".

Akshay and Zahira were in love right from the moment they had set their eyes on each other. Akshay hardly believed in love at first sight but somehow he was proved wrong. The moment he had laid his eyes on Zahira he knew she was the one. He felt something inside his heart which he had never felt before. It was magical. As years passed, they knew there could not be a single moment they couldnt live without each other.

It so happens in all love stories.You start to get so involved in one person that everything else just seems secondary or unimportant. You just think about that one person all day without getting bored. You just have to be there with that one person no matter what. And for those in love, they just cannot get enough of each other. From the time they open their eyes till the time they close it at night they are with that person. If not physically but mentally atleast. But today was different. Today was going to be the last day Akshay was going to feel it.

They met at their usual bus stop. The place they had been meeting for years now. College was going to end soon and so was their relationship. The usual crap which always happens in any relationship which tries to go beyond certain boundaries created by the society. The religion, caste, region and "oh wat will society say", and the "oh my parents are not agreeing to this" and the "oh we cannot continue this anymore coz my family wont approve". But what they had was true and pure and they knew it. They thought they could wither the storm together but somehow something happens and there is just not enough strenght left in the mind to do what is right for the relationship. So many other factors intervene and then it all comes to a point where
choices have to be made. Its like someone is giving you a choice which hand you need, the left or the right and you have to choose coz one of the hand is gonna be cut off forever. And it becomes hard to choose.

As they sat in the bus, quiet. Akshay kept looking at Zahira who was looking outside the window. Akshay took her hand in his hands and squeezed it tightly.



Zahira turned. Akshay could see her eyes were moist. "Dont leave me", Akshay said. But what he actually wanted to say was, " Please dont leave me, i love u so much. I cant live my life without u. It wont be the same. I dont think i can love anyone else again. Life will become a formality. Please i beg you dont leave me."
Zahira could not stop the tear she was holding back from not falling out from the eye. "I am sorry Akshay. Please understand", was all she said. But what she actually wanted to say was, " I am really really sorry baby. I know u love me and i love u too. A lot. But i really cant do anything. I am helpless. I have to choose my family over you. Please forgive me. I will always love you. I am so sorry please understand".

The rest of the journey to the college was spent holding hands without uttering a single word. But they both knew that they both must be having a billion thoughts running through their heads.

The last day of college was a drag. Exams were around the corner and many people were busy studying. They somehow managed to attend the classes but their mind was too occupied to get filled with anymore information. Their life was never going to be the same again. They both knew it. Akshay knew it. He wanted to be with Zahira for today as much as he could. With every passing hour, his heart beat faster. A few more hours more and it was going to be the end. But he didnt want to get dragged away in the negativity. He was trapped in his mind in two thoughts. One whether to show Zahira how much broken he was but then that would make her feel more bad and hurt. Or whether to act strong and mentally tough and practical in front of her and indirectly give her the strenght to endure this separation. The strength she so badly needed. Akshay was flipflopping through both emotions.

In the canteen, they were sitting and eating. And Akshay tried to be cool. Joked laughed, made Zahira laugh, even though inside he was breaking. This was probably the last time he would be sitting with her in the canteen. The place where they had such wonderful moments together. The long breaks, the bunking of lectures, that alone time they would spend just talking and today was going to be the last. And Akshay wanted to soak in as much of that "last time" as he could. But soon the day was over. It was time to head back home.

They ran and caught the bus. Last seat. Akshay knew he had to do something. He had to say something to stop her from going out of his life. But he just didnt know wat. He had tried everything possible over the past few months to coax her to come back to his life. But he had failed. He had showed her how much he loved her, how much he would do anything for her. She always thought Akshay was not serious about his life, but he proved her wrong by doing things and showing her things that made her realise that "yes, Akshay could be responsible". But Akshay just wished that he had done all this earlier so that this day would not have come.

As they got down from the bus, Akshay knew that it was time they would head str8 to home. But he wanted to spend some more time with her. It was as if he was hanging from a cliff and was going to fall down, just holding on to the small branches hanging there and with each passing minute the branches he was holding on to were getting weaker and he was slipping.

"Lets have tea", Akshay said.
Zahira too wanted to spend as much time as she could with him, so she promptly replied,"Sure"
As they sat in the restaurant, the usual one where again they had come many many times. They just didnt know wat to say. They knew this was going to be the last time. After spending the first few minutes just looking at each other without saying anything, Akshay knew he had to speak something. He had to try for the last time to convince her to think about the decision she was taking.

"Zahira....please dont leave me. Just think would you be able to live your life without me. How will i live my life. what will happen to me. what will i do when i open my eyes tomorrow morning, who will i call, who will i spend my day with and who will i wish and kiss goodnight before i sleep.? I will be left all alone. Please dont leave me.", Akshay blurted out in one go without holding back his tears.

Zahira was quiet. Akshay could see her eyes getting moist and red. But she was still being strong.
"Please Akshay dont start this again. Please understand", she replied with a firmness in her voice.

Akshay knew she was just as much heartbroken as he was. Its just that women tend to show they are more stronger sometimes. Akshay knew that he would only be hurting her more by his words. So he stopped.

"Ok I am sorry. Fine. Sorry. Lets just drink the tea and go home", Akshay forced smile.

As they were walking back home, they came to a junction which separated to two roads. Over the past few years it was a routine for them. Getting down from the bus, walking towards this junction, spending another 15-30min standing and talking, before saying the "goodbyes" and "i love you/ilove you too"s and then going home on separate roads, reaching home, only to call each other again and speak.

But today was different. As they stood there at the junction, they knew that not only were they heading out in different direction, so was their life. This was going to be last time they would be standing at the junction, talking and once they start walking in different directions, there was no turning back. Life was never going to be the same ever again.

It was late in the evening and it was getting dark already. As they stood there, quiet, silent. They knew that they didnt want to get separated. Zahira was trying so hard to be strong for the entire day but she just could not hold on to that strength anymore. She burst out like a baby crying out loud.

"I am so so sorry Akshay", she said sobbing away with her tears running down with full force as if someone opened the flaps of the dam of her eyes. Akshay pulled her towards himself and hugged her tightly. He could feel she too was hugging him even more tightly. Both of them wished that the moment had stopped at that time. They wished life had stopped. If they had a remote control to life, they would just want to pause it at that very moment when they were hugging.

.

Nothing else mattered. Nothing seemed important. It was just that moment. It was just them embracing each other. And they just didnt want to let go. But they had to. And they did a good 5min later.

"Its ok baby", Akshay said wiping her tears. "I will always love you forever", he said.
"Me too. You take care of yourself", Zahira replied as they walked away from each other.

"Akshay turned back to see her walking away. The last glimpse of her fading into the darkness. He turned around on the empty dark street walking towards his home. He could not believe that this moment was the last. The last time he would see the one he loved so much. The last time he would touch,feel,smell her. The last time he would feel a hug full of love. True love. He knew that deep inside his heart there would no one to replace Zahira. No one.
His eyes had dried up. There were not enough tears left in them now.

He had cried.
He had lived.
He had loved.