No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the people whom I want to be there close to me always tend to go away. I do not know whether its a plan made by the heavens to hurt me or just pure and plain DESTINY. Whatever the reason, it always happens. It has been happening since the time I started realising the importance of having people in my life. I dont know how to react now-a-days. Maybe I am getting used to it nowadays. Accepting whatever comes my way. Not fighting for it. Well, I have been doing it all this while. So nothing has changed, but infact everything has changed. Whatever.
Or maybe...I guess I am tired of being good anymore. I am tired of being in this trance of living life as if its just one big dream and that everything is going to be OK. I am tired of just dragging along in the hands of destiny. I am tired of being used as a source of temporary happiness by others who may be infact using many others for the same reason. I am tired of waking up everyday thinking of what I would be doing today, thinking of how the day would go, thinking if there is someone out there who would be thinking of me. I am tired of being in a state of imbalance, a state where I have to fake happiness for the sake of others. I am tired of putting that smile on my face when I do not want to actually smile. Am i being too demanding? All I need is a sense of wantedness. A feeling of importance to somebody or something, a situation perhaps. Its not that I dont care. Or I didnt care. Its not that I didnt show or made them realise how much I need them. But unfortunately my words always seem to fall on deaf ears. I am tired of showing people how important they are to me and getting nothing in return. I am tired of them helding out their hand to me and then when I go to hold it, backing away. People just dont seem to care. They use and they throw whenever they feel like. Bas aisehi. I am tired of them showing me acceptance at one stage and then refusal just like that at some other stage. I have realised that the state of temporary acceptance, though may bring that smile on my face for sometime, is infact very deceptive. I have lost its importance these days. Its high time....Its high time to give it back. Its high time to make people realise that they cannot just treat me as if they own me. Its high time to make them realise that I have a life of my own and that they are not the only thing I need to survive. Its high time to realise the fact that to persist in the face of continual rejection requires a deep love of the self. If people hurt you, its high time to start hurting back. But then, that wont leave much difference between them and me. But you know what.....I dont care.
What the f%$#. Have i lost it?
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