Amor Fati Memoirs

"Have you ever been in love grandpa", Nikhil asked. The grandfather was perplexed at such a question coming from a 19 year old, just like that, out of no where.
"Yes...with your grandmother", he replied. "But now she is no more."
"No...No.. I mean before you got married. Before grandma came into the picture. Was there anyone else you loved?", Nikhil asked again.

Grandpa was silent for a while. It was as if he had to walk all the way down memory lane to come up with an answer. 76 years is a long life he had already lived. He had seen so much. He had met so many people. So many things to remember. His life had become like a book. Each and every moment was like a page. And he had so many pages. It was as if he had to flip over through his book of life trying to find that page, that very special page. And he found it, rather quicker than he himself expected.

"Grandpa??....Grandpa..", Nikhil said shaking him up.
"Haan...yes.", he replied."Yes, I was in love", he replied silently.
"Tell me...tell me more....I would love to hear", Nikhil replied with full enthusiasm.
"It was a long time ago. I must be around your age. Maybe older than you. We met by chance. We..." "What was her name?", Nikhil interupted. "Devika", Grandpa replied after a pause and a breath taken.
"Nice name...", replied Nikhil.

"Thats what I had told her once", grandpa continued.

"We connected instantly. It was as if destiny had planned it all up. I was at the bus stop, and she was new to the place. It was she who enquired to me about a place where she had to go. Luckily, I had to go to the same destination. We got talking waiting for the bus. We talked in the bus..and then talked quiet a lot after that.", Grandpa said smiling.
"When did you propose? Did she love you back?", Nikhil enquired.
Grandpa fell silent but spoke slowly. "She loved me. Very much.", he replied quietly.
Noticing, grandpa go into a different mood, Nikhil put his hand on his shoulders and said."And you, grandpa...did you?"
Grandpa was quiet. Nikhil saw his eyes getting moist."Yes..", he replied. "I loved her too".
"What happened?", Nikhil enquired.

"I...We...We did not realise when we started getting attracted towards each other. As they say, love just happens. And so it did, with us. I still remember the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed. Oh...Nikhil....It was special, very special...it was my first and her too...and it was mutual and unexpected." Nikhil saw a smile on his face and a tear escape the clutches of his eye too, both at the same time.
"She was a good girl. She had proposed to me. I knew it would be coming. But I guess I was not ready for a relationship at that stage. Or maybe I was. But i was not ready to be committed so soon. You know many guys have this problem. I did too. She wanted commitment too early in the relationship. I couldnt give it to her. We used to have constant fights over this."

Nikhil saw grandpa staring at the empty space in front of him, as if trying to recollect the days. A little while later, he spoke.

"Many days passed like this, until one day she informed me that she might have to leave town as her dad had got a transfer. It was then I realised that someone who was so close to me was being taken away. Someone I shared so much with, someone who loved me, someone who cared for me. The person, without whom a day would not pass, was being snatched away from me by destiny. The same destiny who had planned it up to make us meet. I felt a pain in my heart. I could feel a sense of emptiness already seeping in, just thinking not being with her. I felt complete with her. It was then I realised that I was in love with her."

Nikhil listened with full concentration. Grandpa was able to recollect so much even after so many years. Devika seemed to be really someone special.

"I went straight to buy her a ring. Not a fancy one. but a simple one. Didnt have much money then. I was going to propose to her before she could leave me. I was so happy on that day ...until...", Grandpa stopped silent.
The silence was taking a longer time than usual this time. Nikhil had to interupt to break it.

"Until....??", Nikhil enquired.
"...until that phone call. She called me up when I was just getting out of the shop with the ring. She said she wanted to meet me and tell me something urgent. I said the same thing to her. We met in the park. I still remember she was wearing blue. Her favourite color and mine too. She looked so pretty. It was the last time I saw her. That was my last vision of her. We never met after that."

Nikhil wanted to know more about what exactly happened. But seeing the moist eyes of his grandpa, he chose to remain silent. Grandpa sensed that. He understood what Nikhil was thinking and what he wanted to hear. Hence, he continued.

"I made a mistake that day. I let her speak first. She said that she was not very sure where our relationship was heading and that her dad's transfer was a sign to end it. She said she was tired of me keeping her in a dilemna and that she was always waiting for answers from me to her questions. She said that I never understood her. She said....", Grandpa stopped.

Another tear fell down.
"...She said a lot of things...But it was not like that. It was just that sometimes when you love someone so much, its just tough to say it out. And many guys have this problem of expressing their love as easily as girls do. I was no different. But then she said that having loved me was the biggest mistake she ever did. I know she didnt mean it. But she said it. And it hurt then and it is still hurting now. My wounds have once again opened up.", grandpa stopped.

Nikhil was speechless. "Why didnt you tell her then that you loved her too. And what about the ring?", Nikhil asked.

"I couldnt speak anything after that. I just didnt remove the ring out from my pocket. She said what she had to say. It was as if she had thought hard and long about what she was going to tell me that day. It was a fully prepared and planned visit. And she didnt want to look back from that day onwards. She wanted a new beginning ...a new life. She said Goodbye to me and walked off without looking back. I am sure she must have cried. I hope she did. She left me on the bench alone. I stayed there throughout the night just recollecting each and every moment I spent with her. I just sat there cursing destiny of playing with my life. But then, what happened was meant to happen.", Grandpa continued.

"She got married off in a couple of years. I came to know from a common friend. I concentrated on my career, trying hard to forget her and keep looking ahead, which I did. Then I married your grandma, then your dad happend, then you happened!", Grandpa ended with a light smile.
Nikhil returned it back.

"Is she still alive?", Nikhil enquired.
"I do not know. She had moved out of India, that was the last I heard about her. Maybe she is. Maybe not. I am not sure.", Grandpa replied.

"Why dont you try searching for her and telling her what you had planned to do that day?",
Nikhil said. Grandpa smiled.

"Will it change anything? Will it bring back all these years.", he replied.
"No...maybe not. But dont you think she should know it", Nikhil counter questioned.
"She will know it. I will tell her.", Grandpa replied with a sly smile leaving Nikhil confused.

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That night, before he went to sleep, grandpa opened his casket and removed a book, a diary and a small little box. It was a diary filled with her memories. A diary where each and every day spent with her was recorded. A diary where each and every moment captured. The happy times, the sad times, the movies they saw, their trips, their fights.......it contained everything. It also
contained all those things which he wanted to tell her, but couldnt. He flipped through the pages to the last written page. The page which ended it all. He removed a pen and started writing.

"Dear Devika,

Today, after these many years, I am writing to you all because of Nikhil, my grandson. I just wanted to say that ....that...I loved you. I loved you very much. Its just that I was not able to say it at the time you wanted to hear it. And unfortunately, when I decided to
say it, you did not want to hear it. Life can be cruel at times. But then whatever was meant to happen, happened. I accept what destiny had planned for me. I also thank it for making me meet the one I truly truly loved more than anything else and will always will ...till whatever life is left. If I ever get that day back, I will not let you speak first. You will always be special to me Devika. I love you. Will you promise to be with me in our next life."

He kept the pen down. And opened the small box. He removed the ring and then kept it on the book and went to sleep for one last time. The shadow of the ring on the book said all he had to say.