Candle...unlit

"Ok see you at the church", Shaun said over the phone. Shirley hung the phone. She was excited. Today was going to be the day. A day she would like to remember.

She knew Shaun for sometime now. They had first met at the church. Sunday Mass. He was kneeling down in the same row as hers, next to his mother. She noticed him because even after kneeling down, he looked so tall. It was love at first sight for her. She noticed him every Sunday. As luck would have it, their moms started talking and inturn... them. "Thank you Christ", she had said for letting us know each other.

They soon became very good friends. But she had already given her heart to him the first day. She loved him. She had never told him. She thought he loved her too. 'But with guys you can never be sure', she used to think. She used to get so jealous when she found him staring at other girls. That jealousy used to turn to anger when he spoke with them. She used to tell him that she didnt like it. But he used to laugh it off.

Here she was now, standing outside the church, recollecting all the days she had spent with him, going to do something she had never done before. She noticed him, he was standing on the opposite site of the road, buying a candle. He looked as good as ever. He waved to her with a smile crossing the road."I will light an extra candle if he says YES today", she thought.

"Hey, Good morning", he said coming closer. "Someones looking fresh", he said winking. "I am always fresh, But you are the one who is smelling good for a change" , she replied smiling. "By the way, there is something I..... ", "Come lets go inside", he interupted her, laughing.
Inside the choir had already started. A while later, all were on their knees. She was beside him.



She looked at him, he had closed his eyes. "Cmon Shirley, this is it. This is the moment.", she thought to herself. Without thinking much, she moved closer to him, wanting to whisper something in his ears. "I love you", she tried to whisper. But only her lips moved, no sound came out. She smiled and got back to normal position.

After the mass ended, just as they were about to leave, she pulled Shaun aside in the church corner and spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell you something. Hope you dont get angry. I .. I ....", she stopped seeing Micheal who was coming towards them. Micheal, their common friend.
"Hi Shirley.", he said quickly moving his head towards Shaun. "Dude, coming to the ground for cricket, the whole gang is coming.", he said."Yaa....sure...just a second....will join you.", he replied turning towards Shirley again. Micheal left.

Shirley thought to herself. "Maybe I should tell him some other time". "No Shirley NO.....this is the time. You might never have as much courage as you have now. You have to say it NOW.

"Shirley....Shirley", Shaun said snapping his fingers in front of her face. "You were saying something." Without thinking much, Shirley spoke."Shaun, I wanted to tell this for a long time now. I love you. I cannot live without you.", she said in one go. Her hands were trembling. Her eyes were down. She looked up from what seemed like an eternity even though it was not even a second.Shaun was looking at her. His eyebrows had twichted. No reaction on his face. She repeated," Shaun I really love you. I am telling you this in the home of God. I know its not good to swear. But I swear on God, I cant live without you." This time she sounded more confident.

Shaun smiled. "You know something", he spoke. " You should have told me ....""HEY SHAUN. YOU COMING OR WHAT? " , Micheal shouted from the door.
"Gotta go now, meet me at 4 in the evening. Same place.", he shouted and ran out with Micheal, leaving Shirley perplexed.

"You should have told me ..."..what does he mean? Was it a wrong time to tell him? Was it the wrong place? Or was it the wrong thing? But there is no proper time, place where you can tell such a thing. I had to tell it now, or it could have been never. Does he love me too ? Did he not like me saying it? Damn that Micheal !! Damn the game of cricket!! Oh God,
what do I do now. Wait till 4 pm. what will he say then. Oh God , please help me through this. Let me light another candle."

Shaun was at the nearby bus stop now, just around the corner. Micheal was there and so were many of his friends. Everybody was talking about the match day before. The diving catch by Yuvraj, the sixer hit by Dhoni and how Gilchrist was clean bowled by R.P Singh. But Shaun was a non existent listener in the group. He was thinking about what Shirley had said. Her face was coming in front of his eyes. Her eyes that spoke so much. The slight dimple on her cheek. That lovely smile. That ...
"What are you staring at the road and smiling, dude....the bus is here.", Micheal interupted yet again. The bus came, the bus stopped. Micheal was the first to hop in followed by the rest of the crowd. It was Shaun's turn next. He put one foot on the steps of the bus. The conductor
shouted, "Fast fast" ...

"I cant wait till 4. Let me settle this matter right away. Cricket can wait." he stepped down, leaving Micheal shouting "Dude, What the ..." The bus zoomed away.

Shaun began to walk back towards the church. It had started to drizzle now. "Maybe she is still there" . he thought. He came to his senses, when he heard some people running around the corner, towards the church. He overheard someone saying "Someones been hit........A car....A girl..."
Shaun's heartbeat stopped. He started running towards the church with a silent prayer in the head. The rains were getting heavier. He was totally drenched now. As he turned the corner, he saw a group of people surrounding someone.He saw a red car. As he came closer, he saw a body on the road. It was a girl for sure. He pushed people aside.

"Poor girl", someone said.

"Someone call the ambulance."

"Wait I will call the police"

"SO sad."

"She was going to the church with the candle."

Shaun moved closer. It was her. It was Shirley. She was bleeding from the head. She was soaked more in blood than the rain water. He went closer. There was a candle near her body.

"Dont go close to the body", someone shouted. "Let the police come."

Shaun didnt heed. He picked the candle and went on his knees near her. He put the candle in her hand. He was too shocked to cry. His heart had stopped beating. His lips were dry. He
picked her wet body up and hugged her. His eyes soon burst open. Tears were running down his cheeks with full flow.

"...I LOVE YOU TOO..." , he shouted at the top of his voice hugging her as tightly as he could. The sound of the ambulance echoing in the background.

=======================

"Wow, that was ....sad....touching", I said to Jobin as he was lighting the candle in the church.
"This is the very candle. Shirley's candle. Light it after I pass away", was what he had said to me", he continued. "He had kept it with him for these many years." Jobin had tears in his eyes.

"My grandfather used to always tell me. If you love someone, you say it right then and there. At that very moment you feel like saying it. That one chance you get can sometimes be the only because at times God can be cruel and not give you any another chance. Whatever you have to think, think NOW. Whatever you have to say, say NOW. Whatever you have to do , do NOW. If you love someone say it NOW. Dont worry about the outcome." Jobin continued.

"I will miss him", Jobin said wiping his tears. I put my hand on his shoulders. It had started to drizzle outside.

You fill up my senses...I love you till the end...

I had gone to one of my friend's house the other day and he just played a couple of songs in his laptop. When the below song started playing, he asked to me close my eyes and listen to it. I did just that and what I felt cannot be described. It was such a lovely song I had never heard before. He told me that it was his girlfriend's favourite song and now his too. :-)
"Well....its one of mine too now", I had said.
"you can have the song, but not my girl", he had winked.

Anyways..here is the song.

==========================================
You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

INSTRUMENTAL VERSE......Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

---> ANNIE'S SONG (John Denver)
===========================================
Incidentally, this song was written by the singer John Denver for his wife named Annie.
The song became more famous as "Annie's song"!!

Listen to it :
URL : http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/1/annie_s_song/1.html








Well, there was another song I heard that day. It was also pretty good.

I LOVE YOU TILL THE END.... : POGUES
==============================
I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end...
==============================

Incidentally again, I came across this song again when I was seeing a movie "P.S. I Love You" which a friend had asked me to see.
This ones a lovely song too. I like the way it ends.

URL: http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/7/love_you_till_the_end/1.html

Sometimes...life

Sometimes you feel life is like a jigsaw puzzle. Everything you do, everything you want, you need, you desire, you wish etc etc are all scattered around. And all you do throughout your life is to put those pieces, or infact try to put those pieces together. Sometimes you end up putting a few pieces together and then you realize that "no... this one wasn’t meant to be here, it should be somewhere else.". You take decisions. You remove those pieces stuck together and try to adjust different ones in that place, hoping those fit in there. Some do....some dont.

You keep on searching for the right ones. Search , search and search. Search the ones farthest from you, forgetting to look at the near ones first. Sometimes after you have finished looking for the ones farthest away from you, you realize that the one you were looking for is the one closest to you. It has been there with you all this while. You just didn’t look. You ignored it. Well, your whole life goes in searching for those pieces, putting them together and trying to solve the puzzle. Some people manage to put all the pieces together before their time gets over. Some dont.
Their scattered pieces remain scattered all the time. No matter how much they try, they just are not able to solve the puzzle. Unlucky chaps. Sometimes, they wish they were given a different jigsaw puzzle to solve. But you can only wish. Coz what you have been given, is what you have. You cant change, you cant ask. You have no choice. Solve it. Keep trying. Well the puzzle solving goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes you feel life is like a boat. You are the captain. You are in control of the sails. You sail away from the shore out towards the unknown sea. Not because you want to but because you have to. Again a choice you have to make. With the same amount of pain in your heart for leaving the safety zone of the shore is the amount of excitement to look forward for something new. You pull those sails and explore.

You keep on sailing towards the unpredictable sea waiting for you. Speaking of unpredictable, here, sometimes you feel life is like the sea. Life is indeed unpredictable. Also, just like the sea which keeps returning to the shore, no matter how far you go from your loved ones, you just feel like going back to them. Hey, but we were talking about the boat here. You keep moving on, having to face the calmness and the smooth ride sometimes and at other times turbulence and storms. Well the boat sails on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like playing cards. You know what you have and what you dont. With what you have, you have to try to make the most of it and try to win. You may have some good cards, some bad ones, but you cant do anything much. All you have to do is play and you have to make decisions, which ones to play with, and when, at what time. And you have to make those decisions quick.

You have to sometimes keep track of your oppositions, take into account other peoples cards and see what they do with theirs. Its always i, me, myself attitude most of us have which we carry all the time with life. Some people succeed in the game, feeling happy but loosing out the trust of other people on the way. Some people dont. They carry on even if they loose and want to start a new game. Well the game goes on.

Life goes on.

Sometimes life is like ……….aaaahhgg forget it.
What the heck. What is this I am writing?? Don’t I have anything better to do??
Don’t youuuu have anything better to do. All you people reading this, get back to your life.

I need to solve my own jigsaw puzzle, I need to sail out towards the sea and oh shit, its my move next for throwing the playing card. Adios Amigos.

The Shining Star

Sipping his last peg of vodka, Akshay said," Guys, I am in love". What followed was a roar of laughter from his friends.HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

"Dude, guess you are really drunk". one guy said. Another roar followed. This time the decibel levels were even higher.

"Guys, I know I am drunk. But what I am saying is true. 200 %. I swear."

"OK ..dude...we believe you. Whos the girl?", Rob asked.

"Nivedita!" , Akshay replied with a smile on his face.

--------

Next day at the canteen, Rob asked, "Akki, do you know what you said yesterday?"

Rob was Akshay's very good friend. Infact one of the very close friends he had. He knew what was happening in Akki's life and was always there with him in good as well as bad times.

"uhhh....", Akshay tried hard to remember. "Nivedita!!......" Rob replied as if giving a hint.
"Oh Shit!!!! ......Did I really say so ? ...NO way dude.....I was drunk ...It must have slipped....I possible cant....Couldnt....." , Akshay said clearing things.

"Dude, there is a saying --people say the truth when they are drunk. All the secrets from their hearts leak out. And I know you dude, I could see the love in your eyes for her.....Cmon dude....She loves you too..." Rob explained.

"STOP!! Mann...STOP!!" ,Akshay interrupted him. "You know I possibly cant. Not after all that has happened to me."

"Look at me", Rob ordered Akshay. "Now, tell me honestly, DO you love her?"
There was silence. After some time, he replied " YES".

"Well, then cmon dude, why didnt you tell her then when she had proposed to you? And why dont you tell her now, that you do love her!!". Akshay was silent. Rob continued.

"Listen buddy, whatever happened was in the past. Get over it. Look as if its a new
beginning. If you love her, tell her." Rob said.

"No, yaar, I cant....Cmon ..you know what I went through. Its true that I love Nivedita. I know she loves me too. But I dont think I would be able to...you know pull it off this time as well. What do you think Rob? DO you think I can pull this one off? Ahhh ...No...No...No way dude. Its spooky. I dont think I am ready for another relationship. I would prefer being single."

"Listen dude", Rob said. "You know what your problem is. You are so afraid of being hurt that you are going to end up all alone.!! Probably some time in the future, you would realise that you missed a chance. A chance to have forgotten the past. A chance to have started something new with someone who loves you. A chance to be happy for the rest of you life..."

Rob continued with his talk. He could see Akki listening with full alert. He could see the confidence seeping inside him.

===========================

Nivedita was sitting in her balcony. Her roomates were not at home. She was alone. She was on her favourite place there...the swing. She was reading a book. But her concentration was somewhere else. She was thinking about Akshay.
She remembered the day she had proposed to him and how he didnt say a YES, neither did
he say a NO and how all he said was ," I am not ready ".She loved him very much. She just couldnt love anyone else now.

Lost in her thoughts, she got disturbed by her mobile ring. "Akshay Calling".

She gets startled. "Hello", she says.

"Hi Nivi. There is something I wanted to tell you. Will you come down?" , Akshay said.
"Uhh, Down?...where are you? ", she enquired.
"Look below" was the reply leaving Nivedita to peep over the balcony.

She saw Akshay there. "Coming", she said running down.
Akshay had meanwhile started climbling the 3-storeyed building. They met on the stairs. 2nd floor.

"HI", Akshay said. 'HI' was the reply.
"These are for you", Akshay handed the white daisies. Nivedita loved daisies.

She looked up after admiring the flowers. There were a lot of things going on in her head. Questions after questions were popping. Before she could say anything, Akshay spoke.

"I have been thinking about you Nivi. Thinking a lot. No matter how hard I tried to neglect and prevent your thoughts from coming into my head, I just couldnt stop them. Everytime, everyplace, everywhere I go, you are always there right there in my thoughts, my dreams. When you told me the other day that you loved me, I felt very happy, but my past came haunting me. It was not that I didnt love you. It was just that I was afraid. I was not afraid of loving, I was afraid of loosing you."

Nivedita listened with complete calmness.

"I have lost the ones I loved, Nivedita", he started again. "I was so scared of this darkness
in love, that I stopped to search for the stars anymore. And thats why I decided to live my life on my own. Without love, ignorant of the fact that you were shining over me all this while. But now ....I realised that I am not afraid anymore!! I am not scared of getting hurt anymore!!"

"I love you", he ended after a pause.

Nivedita couldnt stop her tears from rolling out. "I love you too", she replied.

"Hmmm...I know" , Akshay winked hugging her.

The Way You Look Tonight

Dosent it happen with you guys too, that you are just sitting doing something or maybe doing nothing at all, and suddenly you remember a song you heard long time ago. And there it is, just pops up in your head. Well. I was doing nothing today at work and out of no where, the below song was what I remembered.
=========
Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you…
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart…
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely … Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
‘Cause I love you … Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.
=========
--by Tony Bennett.

Also FYI, this song featured in the movie " My best friends wedding " . It was here when i heard it first. Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney ,having their last dance on the boat. This was "their" song. The scene was heart touchin and the song lovely.

URL:
http://croonerculture.com/the-way-you-look-tonight-tony-bennett-mp3-and-lyrics/

Dont worry, be happy

Raj sat in the cab ready to go home. He had a busy day at work. He was really tired. He had his worries. But at that moment, with the radio playing some of his favourite songs, all he was thinking was of sleep.

"Sir, take this", said the driver handing him a box of sweets. Surprised, he looked up taking one sweet out of the box. "Thank you", whats this for?", he enquired.
"I got a baby boy", replied the driver."Oh cool, congrats yaar. I am so happy for you" , Raj replied." Thank you sir", he said starting the car.
"What about Arun? I guess even he was expecting a baby. Ooops, I mean his wife was expecting a baby!! ," Raj enquired tounge in cheek, smiling.
"Yes sir, Even Arun had a baby boy last week". "Cool", Raj replied smiling, wondering how proud these guys must be feeling of becoming a dad. And then his thoughts started drifting to a situation where even he would one day be holding his own baby in his hands. But before he could run away with them, his thoughts were intercepted.
"Sir, Arun has gone to his hometown. His baby had some problem.", the driver replied.
"Problem!!...what problem? " Raj replied.
"Not very sure. But the baby cant swallow anything. I mean when they feed her milk or anything, it just comes out from the nose and mouth and everywhere. I guess the baby has a hole in the upper jaw. The doctors said that since the baby is so small, it would not be possible for them to operate her to fix the problem right away. They have asked to wait for 6 months to see and hope the jaw gets filled by itself, naturally. Else, after 6 months the baby would have to undergo an operation." Raj listened to all this with complete calm.
"So how are they feeding the baby? What are they feeding the baby"?, he enquired.
"Dunno sir, prob its on saline. Not very sure" was the reply. "Hmmm. Sad", was the only thing Raj would say. Raj was lost in his thoughts when he realised that he had reached his house. "Thanks", he said getting out of the cab.

Same day, Raj spoke to his cousin studying medicine. He came to know that the condition the baby had was called CLEFT PALATE!! A congenital deformity caused by abnormal facial development. Such conditions occur somewhere between 1 in 800 births!! The good thing is that it can be successfully treated with surgery.

A few days late, Arun came to pick him up. Raj wanted to enquire about his son and tell him how sad he felt for him. But before he could say anything, Arun spoke, "Raj sir, did you see yesterdays match", he started. He went on talking about it with the normal excitement he shows every other day.
Later...
"You know sir, the petrol rates are going to change soon. There was this huge line at the petrol pump. I was in the line from 10. My turn came at 1." , he said smiling.

Raj thought to himself. This guy seems happy but inside he must be feeling very sad. He wondered what must be going on with Arun and his family. He had known him since 15 months and had never seen him without a smile on his face. He seemed the most cheerful person around. No one would guess that he had problems going on. Speaking of problems. Everyone of us has problems, dont we, but then some of us just cant stop cribbing about them and then let others get affected by them. While there are others, like Arun, who just dont let them come and interfere in their professional life. Wish it was possible for everyone to be like him.

Raj wondered why God sometimes just cant see people happy. Why does he have to put in troubles in the life of a person who chooses to be happy under any situation, come what may. Raj felt his troubles were nothing in comparison to what Arun must be going through. He kept mum till he was dropped off to office. He didnt want to change Arun's attitude.
"Maybe six months later would be a right time to enquire about the baby. ", he thought.
He promised to himself to pray for the little baby.
========================
Hope you guys reading this will pray for the baby too.
Cheers.

dark...till the very end...

He was trapped. He didnt know where. He didnt know why. He tried to remember where he was.

What he was doing. But he couldnt, even after trying so hard. But he had to. He had to try. He closed his eyes. Didnt make a difference as it was already pitch dark. Then he remembered. He remembered her. He felt the room getting filled with brightness as soon as he remembered her. He felt free. He felt happy. He saw her image standing there right in front of him. He saw her face. He noticed a smile on her face. He felt a breeze creep in from nowhere and blow her hair. She was looking so pretty. Her smile was as lovely as ever. He stretched his hand towards her, but she was not within reach. He felt tied up. He tried to break free. But he couldnt. He asked her to come close to him. But she did not. Maybe she couldnt. Maybe she tried but couldnt. Maybe she didnt try and hence couldnt. He didnt know what was going on in her head. He tried very hard, used up all his strength to reach her, but he couldnt. He didnt want to give up. He called out her name. Please, please come. Help me. But she couldnt. He tried to see the expression on her face but he couldnt. Was she still smiling? Why was she still smiling? Did she not hear his voice? Did she not hear his calls? He didnt get any answers. The more he tried to go towards her, the more she kept moving away from him. And before he could realise her image suddenly vanished, leaving him in darkness yet again. There was silence. Absolute silence. He could hear nothing. No, he could hear something. It was his heart. It beating very fast. He could hear his breath. He was quiet. Moment passed. Suddenly, he felt a pain. He felt something piercing his heart. He felt as if someone had put a dagger straight into him. The pain was terrible. He felt the blood ooze out. He felt his tears roll out as if trying to compete which one would drain out faster. He opened his eyes. There was still darkness around. He couldnt feel anything. He felt his body becoming empty. He felt the emptiness inside. He felt the hollow inside. He felt he was getting cold. Very cold. But yet he was thinking about her. He felt weak. Suddenly, memories which he felt had been wiped out, came back. He felt scared. They were haunting him. He shouted. He screamed. He screamed so loud that he felt one of his vein burst. But no one heard him. No one could hear him. He was alone. He was tired. He felt the sweat on his face. He felt his body getting wet, making him feel more cold. He felt his hands get numb. He felt he couldnt move his legs. He felt his brain going hazy. His heartbeat was slowing down. Her vision again appeared in front of his eyes. He felt happy and he felt sad both at the same time. It was a strange feeling. Slowly, steadily, the heartbeat dropped. His eyes were closing. He didnt want to close. He wanted her vision to be there till the very end. He didnt want to loose it. He didnt want to loose her. But the eye lids seemed to be very heavy. He tried his best to keep them open. His brain was now numb. He gave out one last gasp of air.
His hearbeat stopped.
His body was still.
But his eyes were open.
He kept them open.
He kept them open till the very end...till the very end.