LAST Day in NOC

Today , Oct 31 2011, will be in my memory as the last working day in the BT NOC. The project I worked for the past 5 and a half years of my life.

It was in March 2006 that I first entered NOC. Coming from Mysore after the initial training, I had not idea wat a project and working in office would be like. But the day I entered the NOC and my mouth just went "wow". When i looked at those screens, filled with colors ( which later i came to know were alarms ) i knew str8 away that yes this was the project I want to work in.

I had never imagined that I would last so long in the project to be the senior most in the team when the project leaves.

Over the past 5.5 years, infosys, work, life etc had all one meaning - NOC. My whole life revolved around it. In these years....there have been so many twist and turn....ups and down...both personally and professionally in my life. It sure was a roller coaster ride.

Entering NOC as Level 1, new to the work culture, learning how to speak to people from different countries with different accents. Handling tickets, escalations, sending mails, calls, alarms, packet drops, erros on link, primary secondary backups.....etc etc etc...phew !



Then as time passed by, new batches started coming. I became senior. Then more batches came.
I became duty manager. Then more batches came. I moved to the SCB/CLSA team.
Then for the past 1.5 years. working as a TEAM LEAD for the SCB/CLSA team has been an honour indeed.

Right now infact..... when i look back and think about last 5.5 years.
I just close my eyes and think .....MY MY MY ...there are soooooo many memories...
So so many memories......that cant even describe all of them.

And over the years, I have changed so much.
I look at myself in the mirror now and compare with the Sudhanshu 5 years back.
Not only have i changed in looks, size and all. But also as an individual. As a professional.
From being the bindaas, free spirited, flirty Sudhanshu to a more responsible, quieter and composed Sudhanshu, NOC has taught me everything.

Life has taught me so many lessons. Some good. Some bad.
It gave me so much happiness, also gave me equal amount of pain.
But then life is such. My life is such.
There have been so so so many wonderful and ever lasting cherishable memories with the people I loved.
So many people came in my life. So many people left.
Some will always remain special. Some will be remembered as names.
All those talks, chats on IM, those night shifts, those Food court visits, those strolls around the campus, the games in NOC, the work too .... those parties, the dances, the small fights, the bitching about others, the smiles, the laughters, the weekend shifts, the conference calls, the movie watching , the listening to songs, the breaks, the talks and more talks.
...uffff.......so many memories.

I am getting so overwhelmed with emotion right now.
Sadly no one to share them with. Hence i felt the blogs the best place to jot them down.

All the people around me, all my friends either left the company, got onsite etc etc.
NOC and work were the only things keeping me going.
I really wonder ....

that tomorrow , when i step foot inside the Infosys campus, where will i be going ?
For the past 5.5 years the only place i headed to was the NOC. But tomorrow will be different.
Not only will I be lonely, I will have no place to sit. :-) eat Breakfast and Lunches alone, and really dont know what to do.

Perhaps its good things, Perhaps this is the time for change.
Perhaps I should change myself now for the good. Perhaps I should again be that free spirited bindaas Sudhanshu. Or Should I be more responsible. I want to change myself.
But I am tired of changes. The changes which I feel are good dont last forever.

Really confused as to where life is going to take me from tomorrow.
Not sure wat else to write. Running short of words.


I just thank NOC from the bottom of my heart.
I thank life and pray that instead of beinfg cruel, it should support me.
I thank all the people who have come in my life, for being there with me for supporting me till whatever time they could. Thanks to all the special persons.
Love them all.

With a smile on my face. Tears in my eyes.
And imaginery shoulders to cry on. Imaginery hands to hold.
I Look forward to a new life tomorrow. I hope and pray its good.

Dear Readers,

I am sure most of you out there might have logged to my blog to see if i have written anything new. :-)

Today being diwali, I really wanted to write something related to that. However I was not really able to find the right scenario or context. Hence couldnt.

All i wanted to say was that, I have got lot of good stories in my head. And I promise most of them will be happy ones. :-) The ones celebrating life, the ones celebrating hope and the ones celebrating love.

I write coz I got such faithful readers in you. So thank you.

Happy Diwali to you all.
God bless you with all the real happiness this year.

Lots of love,
HeartFelt

Redemption - Part 2

Akshay drove his bike like a maniac. Speeding past the traffic signals, lucky not to get caught.
Clearly he was in a hurry. He reached the place.

"uhh .. hi, i need to see Dr. Zahira right now" , Akshay said to the receptionist.

"Dr. Zahira is busy with another patient. You will have to wait.", came the reply.

"No..no...no .. you dont understand. I NEED TO SPEAK TO HER RIGHT NOW", Akshay said banging the desk.

"Sir, i am afraid this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated, you will have to wait....". Just as she was about to complete the sentence, the patient inside came out.

Akshay did not waste any time and dashed to Dr. Zahira's cabin.

"Hi doc, sorry to bust in like this, but i really needed to speak to u", Akshay said gasping for breath.

"Cool down Akshay. Here have this glass of water. Sit down. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Then speak"., Dr. Zahira spoke in her calm voice as always.

After taking about a couple of minutes to settle down Akshay spoke.

"She called me today. After a very long time." Akshay said with a smile on his face and a bit of sadness in his heart.

Then he fell silent staring at the empty space.

"Yes Akshay go on. I am listening. What did she say ?" , Dr. Zahira tried breaking his silence.

"Felt so good to hear her voice doc. Even if it is for a couple of seconds. Feels good to hear her sweet voice. It was my birthday yesterday. She called to wish me. She said I need to marry before my next bday." Akshay replied calmly.

Dr. Zahira was a bit worried now. Akshay was still staring at emptiness.

"She also said that its all over now. And that nothing is going to happen now. And that we have to accept fate and move on. She said that i need to understand. Then the line got disconnected." Akshay smirked.

"And did u understand Akshay?", Dr. Zahira asked.

"No not at first. I was in the mindset and false hope that she will come back to me. And then we will marry each other. I was ready to accept her anytime back. Coz i love her so much. All i needed to live this life was her. I would not mind what people would say. And when she said that i need to marry someone else, I thought to myself, how can i do that. I am waiting for her so that i can marry her. But then i looked at her pics again. The ones with her husband. She seemed happy doc. I guess she has moved on with her life. I guess she has accepted what fate had written for us.". Akshay said all this in one breath.

Dr Zahira was feeling a bit relaxed now.

"Go on Akshay.", she said.

"Well.. doc. I think i have decided to move on now. Come out of my dreamland and face the reality. She was right. Nothing is going to happen now. So i guess i need to tell her that i am ready to accept her decision. If she is happy with her new life, i do not want to ruin it by forcing her out of it. All i need is her to be happy and smiling as always. Oh doc she has the most amazing laughter. You know doc, when she laughs a lot, her eyes usually close. i just loved to make her laugh doc.", Akshay said smiling himself.


Dr Zahira was happy to see a smile on his face after a long time.

"Doc. i just ... i mean i can never ever forget her. I just needed to know from her that she will never forget me. I just needed to know whether she will remember that there was a guy called Akshay in her life who loved her so so so much. Thats all i need to know. Thats all i need to continue living. But doc, i wont be giving up hope about being with her one day. Perhaps when we are old. When situations are such that we both would be alone that time. Perhaps our respective spouses have died or something like that. I just need to know from her that when that day comes, she will want to be with me. When that day comes, she will choose me. When that day comes, we will be together. I dont think I can wait for next life. I want her in this life, perhaps later in my life will also be ok.", Akshay continued.

Dr Zahira was getting emotional. She had never seen anyone love anyone else so much before.

"You know wat doc. I just have this one wish. That before i die, All i want is Aditi to be next to me and I would show her all the letters I have been writing for her. All the collection of pics I have made. And I would want to kiss her forehead and hug her and tell her that I loved her so so much. And a promise from her that in the next life, she will choose me." Akshay ended.

Dr zahira had tears in her eyes.

"Oh doc, i am sorry. here take this tissue", said AKshay handing the box.

"Akshay, seeing the love u have for her. I wish and pray with all my heart that one day whatever you wish for will come true. Your love for Aditi is divine. She should consider herself lucky to have got you in her life for whatever duration. And you should consider yourself lucky that you were able to find and recognise true love in her. Love which comes from the soul. Very few people in this world are as lucky as you and Aditi.", Dr Zahira said wiping her tears.

"Thanks doc for hearing me out. I will leave now. Guess I wont need to see you again.". Akshay said.
"Yes. I hope the same too". Dr Zahira said smiling.


Akshay then drove off on his bike.
The air brushing against his face made him feel lighter in some strange way.


" Be happy Aditi. God bless you. " he thought to himself.

I Love You...

When U Were Only 5 Yrs Old, I Said I... Love U...
U Asked Me: "What Is It?"

When U Were 15 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Blushed.. U Look Down And Smile..

When U Were 20 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Put Ur Head On My Shoulder And Hold My Hand.. Afraid That I Might Dissapear..

When U Were 25 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Prepare Breakfast And Serve It In Front Of Me, And Kiss My Forhead N
Said : "U Better Be Quick, Is’s Gonna Be Late.."

When U Were 30 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Said: "If U Really Love Me, Please Come Back Early After Work.."

When U Were 40 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Were Cleaning The Dining Table And Said: "Ok Dear, But It’s Time For U To Help Our Child With His/Her Revision.."

When U Were 50 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Were Knitting And U Laugh At Me..

When U Were 60 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....
U Smile At Me..

When U Were 70 Yrs Old. I Said I Love U....
We Sitting On The Rocking Chair With Our Glasses On.. I’m Reading Your Love Letter That U Sent To Me 50 Yrs Ago..With Our Hand Crossing Together..

When U Were 80 Yrs Old, U Said U Love Me!
I Didn’t Say Anything But Cried.

We may not express it but when we say "I Love You" we want our partner also to say the same... there are many ways of expressing love but nothing can play the same magic that these 3 words can play when said in return. :-)


God bless you all.

Redemption....

Akshay washed his face and stared at the mirror.
Drops of waters trickling down his face.
He was staring at his own eyes. They had cried a lot for years now.
Was this the right thing to do ? Should i really go there ? he asked himself.

30min later he was at the place.
"Dr. Zahira Khan". The board outside read.

He went inside. There were hardly any people inside.
Mr. Akshay ? , the receptionist asked.
Yes., he replied.
Please go inside. Madam is expecting you.

Hands trembling, he went inside.

"Akshay ??right ? . Come, have a seat" , Dr. Zahira spoke.
The voice was calm soothing. People in her profession need to have that kind of a voice.
"Thanks doc for seeing me in such short notice", Akshay replied.

"No problem, make yourself comfortable. We have a lot to talk", she said.

Akshay had been going through some very bad days. He was not getting sleep, his work was getting affected, he had lost clarity of thoughts, he always wanted to be in isolation.
The separation from his beloved was getting to him in worse possible ways. It was then that his friend suggested he should visit Dr. Zahira, hopefully to get his life back in order. So here he was. Not sure what to say or do. He sat patiently looking at the doc.

"Okayy .." said Dr. Zahira as she was scanning through some papers.
"So tell me Akshay, what is it thats bothering you."

Akshay seemed puzzled. " uhh .where should i start? " , he replied.
"Just speak your heart out Akshay,' , Dr Zahira smiled.

Akshay took one sip from the glass of water kept on the table and then took a deep breath and began.

" Its been 5 years now ever since we got separated." , he started.
"We ? " , doc replied.



" Me and Aditi. We were so madly in love. We are soul mates. we had planned so much for life. We had imagined so many things. Oh we loved each other so much doc. It was magical. We dreamt so many things but then fate just had other plans. Somehow things started going wrong. Everything seemed to fall apart. I tried my best to hold on to her. But she had to choose. It was her choice. And she did not choose me.", Akshay said in one go.

"Do you blame her? ", Dr. Zahira enquired.

"No...never.. I would never blame my baby. I loved her so much. I still do. You know wat doc its been 5 years and i have tried my best to move on in life. To try to forget her. To try to wipe her memories off, but nothing seems to be working. There is not a single moment when i dont think about her. No matter what i do, i end up thinking about her. Worse part is that even when i am asleep, i get dreams about her. Almost every single day doc. Oh Doc, the visions in the dreams, her face is so clear, so distinct. The touch of her hand on my hand in my dream seems so real even to this day. I really dont know what do to. I try my best to convince myself thats its all over. But deep inside i know that my heart will always have a hole. My life will always be incomplete without her.", Akshay burst into tears.

Dr. Zahira handed him the tissue paper asking " So are you both still in touch ?"

"No ..she has not called for a long time now. I keep dying to hear her voice. So i listen to the recording we once took. I keep looking at her pics when i miss her and most often than not, tears and pain always come. I always wonder how life would have been with her. The thing is doc, i really dont know whom to blame. Should i blame myself, her or god or fate. Whom should i go asking for the answer to my Q. The Q being ... why why did all this happen to us. When we were meant to be together, then why are we separated like this".

"Do you have her pic Akshay?", the doc asked.

Akshay removed his wallet, and showed the doc her pic.
"I was there with her when she took this pic in the studio. And i have been carrying it
in my wallet ever since. I talk to this pic when i feel like talking to her. I kiss this pic good night before i go to bed. This pic is the only thing which makes me be closer to her. I know its madness, but then this is how it is."

Dr. Zahira paused and looked at Akshay staring at Aditi's pic in his hand.

"Akshay, have u tried going out, seeing other girls. getting into another relationship, marriage perhaps. Doing things to make you not think about her.." she asked.

"Huh ..doc..i already told u.... i try and keep myself busy with work or other activities, but i end up thinking about her. If i talk with other girls, i feel a guilty feeling that i am cheating on her. Being into another relationship is just not possible with Aditi still in my heart. Marriage... huh .. my parents are forcing me for long time now. But i keep refusing them coz i know that Aditi will come back to me one day. I just know it deep inside my heart that we will be together soon." , Akshay smiled.

Dr. Zahira had a worried look on her face now. She knew this was a tough case.
She was sitting in front of a patient who just didnt want to let go. She was sitting in front of a patient who was living in a fantasy world he has created for himself and was living in the past. Afraid to see the truth. But she had to show him the truth.

"Do you know Akshay that Aditi is married now.?". Dr. Zahira asked.

"Yes i know. But i also know that no matter what one day she will..."

"Akshay Akshay ..." the doc interuptted. " I got to show you some thing."

She removed some pics from her file and placed in the table in front of Akshay.
Pics of Aditi and her husband. Akshay was stunned looking at them. He felt heartbroken once again. Seeing Aditi holding hands with someone else, seeing their faces close to each other, he was devastated. Anger seemed to be quickly rushing through. He stood up and banged his hands on the table.

" NOooooooooooooo" , he said and threw the pics on the ground.

Dr. Zahira did not utter a word. She gave him time to calm down.

Akshay sat down again holding his head in this hands and crying profusely.
Then after 5min, he started smiling and then laughing.

"Doc...dont think i am crazy or something. I am fine. I know the reality. I just want to ask my baby whether she has moved on. I want to hear from her that she has moved on. I want to know if she is happy. I want to know from her that she is living the life fate has given to her, but i want to know that she will never forget me. I want to know if she thinks about me. I want to know if she sheds tears thinking about me. Coz i have been crying every single day since we were separated. Every god damned single day. About the pics which you just showed me. Pics can be deceptive. They dont always show the real feelings inside. I know when my baby smiles. I Know when she pretends to smile. She is pretending to smile in all these pics. Its like sometimes you dont want to, but you have to". Akshay said.

"Yes Akshay. Perhaps you are right. perhaps she is pretending to be happy with her new life.
But she has moved on unlike u. She has accepted the decision of fate with a heavy heart perhaps. But she has and thats what important. Perhaps she is sad. Perhaps she too might be thinking about u every now and then. Perhaps she too might be shedding some tears when your thoughts come. Perhaps she too worries about u. But what you have to see is that she has decided to move on with her new life, but i am sure she would never forget u and the time you both had when you were together. I am sure she will treasure that time as long as she is alive. But you have to be practical Akshay. I know you love her so much and will always do. but this is how life is.
You do not always get what you want. You have to think about your parents too. You have to make sure they are happy too. You said she decided not to choose you when she had a choice, coz perhaps she cared for her parents too. And now you have to do it too." , Dr Zahira spoke.

"But doc, wat is the point. Its a fake life I would be living. Its a fake life she is living too. Its like you have someone else in your heart but have to live with some other person. what point of living a life like that."



"Sometimes Akshay, your life has many other people dependent on you. And you have no other choice but to live your life for others happiness. Trust me AKshay, Aditi will not want you to waste your life like this. She would want you to marry someone else and find love again and move on."

"Ahhgg...doc....you dont know anything. You do not know how much we prayed to be together. We always wanted to be together. If somehow we would get to go back to that time when we had to make a decision, i am sure we would choose each other. Even now, suppose somehow it was possible that i had one wish. I am sure that one wish would be to be together with Aditi again. Huh. I know doc, i understand what you are trying to say. Trust me. I know it. I know i have to move on. But i still feel that hoping that one day she will come back is the thing that keeps me alive. I miss her so much doc." , Akshay burst into tears again.

"Akshay. You have to gather yourself. Its not wrong in hoping or wishing that one day you will be together. But till that day comes, you need to move on with what life has planned for you. You have to be happy that you were able to get true love in your life. Not many are able to find that. Even though you are not together now, whatever time you had with each other was special and you both know it and you both should treasure it. And dont worry seeing the love you both have for each other, I am sure that one day will def come, that you both will be together.
But do not waste your life till that day." , Dr. Zahira smiled.

Akshay left the place, went back home. It was late.
He washed his face, looked at himself in the mirror and smiled.
He knew all along what he had to know and what he had to do. Its just that he had to hear it from someone else. He knew he had to move on. He knew that his life was always going to incomplete no matter what he did. But he was never going to give up hope of being together with Aditi one day. He will be waiting for her. One day will def come.

He smiled.
Removed his wallet. Removed Aditi's pic.
Kissed her good night and went to sleep.

Then Again...

Then again... the thoughts come to their head

that dig out the wounds and the fears ahead

try as they might to make the mind to hop

the bloody tears just dont seem to stop.

Then again... they wonder why it all ended

if it had begun, why it could not be mended

lots of questions, sadly answers none

they had lost someone special, they had lost the one.

Then again... the road seems dark and lonely

They know they can tread it with their, their-only

life seems like a hole, an emptiness, a void

fighting with themselves and their thoughts to avoid

Then again... they put a brave face, an ocassional smile

But back home they cry, oh... they cry a river nile

They sink in the pain, their hearts do shrink

everytime their memories come and make them think.

Then again... they console themselves, wipes their own tears

Talk themselves out of it, to overcome their fears

They try hard to accept their destiny, their goal

But deep inside they know, their hearts will always have a hole

Then again... they wait for one another, they make a wish

long for another surprise, for fate to unleash

for their souls once again to be brought closer

only this time to bring them together forever

then again... to bring them together forever.....

Till Death Do Us Part

Years have sped by, time has flown.

To forget you, that is what I had sworn.

To wipe off your memories from my heart,

To live on, knowing that we are poles apart.

But often on silent, lonely nights,

When the moon is shining bright,

Your thoughts come stealthing to my mind,

And prod other memories left far behind.

Of times we had, both good and bad

Of tears we shared and fun we had.

But what went wrong, I have no clue,

But as long as it lasted, I know it was true.

With your memories, the mood changes gears

A smile a laughter and lots of tears

Thinking about life together we had seen

Thinking about things which could have been

You have touched my life in many ways,

I try explaning but just cannot say

Have you moved on? and so should I?

Must I accept the truth, though with a sigh?

I ask to myself will this all be really over

the love we had and the memories we savour

No. comes the answer it never will be

Want to open my heart, the love for you to see

Time heals all wounds, but not this one,

The scar remains, the harm is done.

Memories are to be treasured, or so they say,

Thats why you remain in my heart

to this very day....

Yet i live in hope and I pray and wait.

For you to come back sooner than late.

A silent wish will always live in my heart

To bring us together till death do us part.